Missy
8th April
So… a week on. Well…. almost a week on. Close enough to a week on, right? The Awards were Friday, and today’s the following Thursday. Sorry, I’ve just been really losing track of dates recently. Revision stress, celebrations, interviews, the case.
It's all been pretty hard to keep up with.
Today, I officially begin a mini mock season. Well, not exactly mini, but it's what they are calling it… aha… a checkpoint procedure, so teachers can assess where we really need to brush up our knowledge, in preparation for the exam. I know, stupid, right? I mean isn’t that the whole point of November and March’s Exams. To predict where we are. Not to serve as a set of pointless grades, that they look at once and then never again.
“What lessons do you have today?” Harvey asked, as I stood up to eat breakfast.
“Why are you even interested? Anyway, don’t you and Leila have an agency to run?”
“Yes, but that’s not the point. I asked you a question, and you didn’t answer. What lessons do you have-”
“Like I said, why are you even interested?” Anyway,” I looked around. No sign of Leila. “Where is your other half?”
“Oh, she had to head out early. Meeting with her manager.” Harvey gloated, cringely.
“Ah….. right. Anyway…. I better head off soon, things to do, lessons to sit through, exams to revise for.”
“Do you now? Surely you can do it here at home?”
“Do it, here? Look, I know you don’t like me going to school Harvey, but at the end of the day, I’m studying for GCSEs. You know, those exams that you sit, at the end of Year 11. The ones you spend three years preparing for. The ones you spend months, and months learning and memorising the content-”
“Alright, alright, I’m not stupid. I was just thinking, well tell a lie, me and Leila were thinking the other day that you seem to be spending an awful lot of time revising recently and not much time doing what you want to do. Am I right or am I right?”
Here we go again. Time for another conversation about how school isn’t important.
“No. God, how many more times do we need to come here, Harvey? Yes, I don’t like school. Yes, it’s tiring. But at the end of the day, I only just wanna get a good set of grades. I mean, is that too much to ask now?”
“No, of course it isn’t. But tell me, when you’re going to need any of these subjects that you’re learning? I mean look at me…. I didn’t get any decent exam results. I failed everything but Music, Maths and English. My point is, that exams do not define your life. You shouldn’t feel obliged to spend all your time into some numbers on a bit of paper, alright? At the end of the day, you only get one life. You should spend it how you want. You should be doing the things you love. Like music-”
“Music? So, what are you saying? I should just abandon my education altogether, and turn out like you? Become some egotistical, big headed, ridiculously rich person?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Leila said that you could be a great extra for the band, you know.”
Do you see why I get irritated, now?
“Extra? Like a bit on the side then? Someone to clean up the mess, when you’re bored. Someone to bring in extra revenue when things take a bit of a nosedive. I’m sorry to break this to you Harvey, but I’m a human being. A teenage human being, who just so happens to be your daughter. I have dreams of my own, you know. Dreams that you should be supporting, not downgrading. Dreams that you should be helping me with, not laughing at. Dreams that should actually mean something to you. You know, I should be your number one priority, not Leila. Leila is a fully grown woman, who is more than capable of looking after herself. She shouldn’t be relying on you all the time, for money, clothes, attention or clients. She should be doing that on her own. She should be standing on her own two feet, not falling back onto you when everything goes wrong. Leila is using you. Always has, and always will do. But no. You will not accept it will you?”
“Accept what, what is there to accept? Everything you’re saying is wrong. You do not understand Leila in the slightest-”
No, I think it’s you who doesn’t understand her in the slightest. But you won’t listen to me, will you?
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
As usual, you have nailed it. time for a few mistakes,
really seems redundant here. consider removing it.
i think now will be know.
me will be I
put a 'the' before school
comma after course
into will be on
hyphen between big and headed
enough mistakes editing. i reviewed most of your chapters picking all your grammatical mistakes. do you like this type of reviewing or I should just tell how the story is
Yes, it has been helpful but I would also appreciate if you could give some critique on the plot, characters, dialogue and language?
ok. i would give a detailed review on those from the next time. in short, those are actually awesome.
hey, can you pls review the chapters of my novel? especially the recent chapters
HELLO, HELLO, YOU WONDERFUL AUTHOR! I decided to review the next part of this novel since I reviewed a precious part yesterday! c: Super excited to see what kind of things the narrator gets up to this time xD
Ooh! I love the timeline choice, and it really does contribute to the journal feel you have going on ^_^
The list of things really emphasizes how she has so many things to keep up with. It's also super interesting how she says "sorry" - it really makes me feel like I'm in this story :p
I would put a question mark at the end of this - I think it would make more sense :)
The transition from Missy's thoughts to dialogue is a bit abrupt - I'm not really sure where the characters are right now and where she is standing up from. Was she sitting down before and where/on what? Just some thoughts for you to consider to make a smoother transition c:
I'm also a bit confused in which tense we are in xD You mentioned "Today, I officially begin..." but then switch to past during dialogue. I would take a second look at that to make sure all of your verbs agree c:
OKAY WELL GOOD ON MISSY FOR REVISING :D but I do hope she's also taking time off for herself <3
Ooh so I get what Harvey is saying, especially about the part that exams don't define your life and you only get one shot. That's pretty true! But on the other hand, I don't think he should be discouraging Missy from studying! :O If she has a strong drive to make good grades, that's great! Let her do her, Harvey xD
I really like this conversation you have here <3 it brings up a lot of neat points to consider!!
oh dear it's getting heated 0.0 (the dialogue is super realistic, by the way!!)
OH HE'S HER FATHER this whole time I thought they were siblings xD (not your fault, it's because I haven't read the other chapters) I'm assuming they are not that close, if she calls her dad by his name?
Aww </3 it seems that Harvey is so in love with Leila, that he doesn't realize she's taking advantage of him and using him :/ I can understand Missy's frustration - she only wants what's best for her dad, but he's not seeing it. That's tough
My main suggestion for this chapter would be to add description! I'm having a bit of a hard time visualizing the place in my head. I'm assuming they're at home, but I have no idea what it looks like. Or since it's breakfast time, you could describe certain smells too. And during the dialogue;ogue, I would love to know facial features to understand how the characters are feeling! For example, when Missy goes off on her dad, does Harvey look sad? worried? upset? angry? mad? And does Missy look fired up?
I also don't have a good sense of what the characters look like, so I think that would be something else to consider, too! What colour hair do they have? You don't have to say it directly like, "Harvey has black hair," but you could do something like "Harvey sighed and swept back his messy, dark hair" or something like that. You could even describe what they're wearing and sneak it in subtly.
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter! ^_^ I think your dialogue seemed pretty realistic, and I could totally imagine it being a real life conversation. The emotions were definitely here, and I could feel Missy's frustration with her father. I really liked how in this chapter, we got a peek into her home-life, instead of school-life c: I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! ^_^ <3
Hi, thank you so much for this review! To be honest the setting imagery isn't really something that I'm intending to zoom in on - I'm kind of leaving that to reader intepretation (you know they're rich, so they're gonna live in a big and modernly decorated home), description is mentioned but I haven't really shown it with the excerpts that I've posted. Facial expressions, is something I could add but to be honest, I like the flow of the book as it is - its more of a character/dialogue driven rather than imagery necessarily