NB: This is a synopsis poem for a spin off WIP I am in the process of working on - exploring Liv (Missy's best friend from The Other Side) backstory. The poem is told from her perspective - feedback is very welcome :)
Once there were four of us,
A inseparable family,
Bonded by love,
Living in a house so free,
Running through the fields,
Our life was so carefree,
Me and Lola had never been so happy,
However one day,
Came this cloud of change,
Threatening our happiness,
Silencing our laughter,
Breaking us apart,
It was time for a brand new start,
The moment we’d been hiding from,
It finally dawned,
Time to say goodbye,
But who knew for how long,
Mum took us away to the estate,
A two bedroom space,
We felt so tucked away,
Money became the top of the priorities,
Making ends meet,
She’d have to work longer than a seven hour day,
We saw her less,
But she’s still the best,
Clinging to the veil of promise,
Life has changed so much to be honest,
Never take these moments for granted,
Staring out in the shadows,
We’ll look at what we really had,
Read our story if you want to see,
How life changed for a girl like me,
This life, this world, I fall through,
Because who I am is forgotten.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
I like the Poem. it is emotional, tragic and true for many people.
I like how how it stated as nicely and very positive. But the further you go down it speaks the reality for many peoples situation in the real world. And it makes it even more tragic when it says "Clinging to the veil of promise". The use of describing words for many of the sentences is very well done.
Overall a really great poem.
This is a good start to narrative poetry. Have you considered adding more flower / philosophical language to it, to push it toward the poetry side?
Just like the other poem, I adored the emotion in this. It really does express how life changes from one thing to another. There is already so much story in this poem, and really does lure the reader. I can imagine a boxset of your books all from the different perspectives of each person.
I also like your rhyming structure, it's a little off- beat but in an effective way, perhaps even adding to the controversial tale of her life.
I think that 'a inseparable family' should be 'an inseparable family', however it doesn't take away the meaning from the story. Additionally, I loved the line 'because who I am is forgotten' since it's very appealing and stays with you, however it does not rhyme with any other lines. Could you add a couple more before this phrase that rhymes with forgotten? Just so that it syncs up, and also because that is a very effective last line that would be super awesome if it joined with a few others.
I enjoyed reading this poem.