When I was young, I thought that not even rain could spoil a day,
But now this pouring rain is wearing me away.
The water rises around me, I'm drowning.
The hope for survival, I'm doubting.
The sunshine is gone, the clouds are foreboding.
Everything surrounding me seems to be revoking.
I fall into the water, and it covers my face.
Darkness seems a comfort and feels like an embrace.
I look up as I fall deeper, the sunlight's dim rays darken.
Every support crumbles in the rain, and I am laden with a heavy burden.
Wait! A cloud moves away and light shines through.
It reflects off the water like morning's dew.
The clouds vanish and the suns warmth drives the water away.
The sky is of pure, brilliant blue, no longer grey.
So let the rain come with the extravagant rainbow and let the sun leave,
For there there is a promise in the brilliant colors after the storm and no reason to grieve.
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hiya there! Reppin da west!!! Anywayss, here's a review for you.
So, I really like the idea of this poem, and I enjoyed the way you used the metaphor of the rain to mirror the narrators inner feelings. The thematic value of this poem was awesome well done!
Now, for the less awesome stuff. I won't be nitpicking about grammar and spelling, just cause I feel that does a disservice to the writers in this site. However, I did finish the poem wanting more insight ino the character of the narrator. What's changed? What caused the way they see the rain? It's possible you left these questions open on ourpose. If so, that was a clever move. However, if you didn't, I'd suggest giving the reader a little more of the narrators personality. Aside from that, I didn't find anything else on here that I didn't like and I enjoyed the poem for the most part, so good job! Keep writing!
-azulafanboy
Gummy here to review! I love the whole raincloud motif you have going around here. Usually rain is used to express sadness, but in your case, it expresses hope! Anyway, the grammar, form, etc. is pristine, and I commend you for it! Keep on writing, and have fun! Take care, Gummy~
I loved this. It was beautiful, and typically I like rain. But I also love how you contrasted the light with the rain so it wasn't so depressing.
I loved that you use couplets. The only thing that really bugged me was this: Not all the couplets are couplets. For example:
In stanza two, "drowning" and "doubting" work together since the have the same number of syllables and start with the same letter, but they don't rhyme. Same with the next stanza and "foreboding" and "revoking". They work, but don't rhyme. And again with stanza five, "darken" and "burden" work, but don't rhyme. I love the inconsistency. I think it's great, I'm just drawing your attention to it.
I loved this poem. I loved that it started out serious and emotional but then towards the end, the narrator is legitimately seeing the light and becomes a little more happy and content. Since poetry is often dark and brooding, I found this refreshing and truly wonderful to see. So thank you for writing this poem, it rocked.
Keep Writing!
-Gravity
Hello, blimeylimey217!
This is a beautiful piece you've written here! The only thing I noticed was this:
I feel this last phrase here is a little unnatural. I feel that it is not common to say that someone is "doubting hope." Perhaps something more like this?
Just my two cents. ^_^
Otherwise, this is perfect. I especially love these lines here:
Throughout this poem you did very well at creating an air of darkness and depression, only to turn it around at the end with optimism. Love it.
Keep writing.
Thank you so much!
hi there blimelimey this was a beautiful and harmonic piece ....the rhythm, the words i enjoyed
reading every part of it .
so keep writing
Thank you so much!
Hi there!
Let me review the poem stanza by stanza so I can describe what I have to say about the poem as it progresses:
In the third line, how about "the water rises around me". Do you think it would be a better expression for the scene you are depicting here, of pouring rain flooding the whole place.
We're doing fine.
The second line - don't you think "security" is too heavy a word for what you're trying to say here. How about 'support' or something like that.
Don't you think that an appropriate line break would make the last line sound better when read. It's no big deal, I mean lines can be as short as one word or as long as two lines put together, that's a poet's personal choice, but you see - here it doesn't quite click.
You should write more, I feel like you really use poetry as a tool to express yourself, this sounds like a natural poem that just occurred to you, and that's great! Just keep working at it, you can do better!
I hope this helps, take care
Thanks! This helps immensely! Thanks for the encouragement and instruction! I will take all you said into effect!
Hi.
I like the poem in general.
"I fall into the water, and it covers my face.
Darkness seems a comfort and feels like an embrace." worked as the best line for me.
Keep writing!
I like the meaning of this poem and I feel a lot of people could relate to it.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Beautiful. Good job!
Aww! Thank you!