A Need for Hope

Hellooo Tiny here!

I've pointed out all my favorite parts of the poem because I couldn't seem to find any problems so heres the good stuff.

"Is there still reason to wait through the night
When there's still twelve hours until morning's first light?"
----Her hopeless words will forever ring through my head.----
I remember it was the same night she said she wished she was dead.

Oh! Where is the hope to guide her through the rocky terrain?
Who will tell her ----it's still worth living in the midst of the pouring rain?
When she stumbles and trips to find herself face down on the ground,----
Who will extend a helping hand and tell her "True life has been found"?

She searches in the ----midst of serpents of truest of true love,----
But all she can find is someone who tears her apart like a fragile dove.
Will anyone reveal to her the light from God's unconditional sacrifice?
She's longing, can anyone see, for some true, sage advice.

She debates over the meaning of life,
While her entire ----essence aches from the strife.----
Is time to give up or time to press on?
She constantly tells me, "I'm already gone!"

This pitiful, helpless girl, whose voice wanders in my mind,
Is simply the result of combined thoughts, anything but kind.
A question lingers: ----"Is there a glimmer of hope upon the horizon,
Or is it simply a figment of my warped imagination?"----

Stay classy

Hi!

This is actually pretty good! And, because we all love lists, I will tell you what I liked about it!

1. It uses vivid imagery that includes characterization and environment. You don't just babble on about Christ helping people get out of the wilderness... you take us on a journey with a girl who does not have Christ and take us with her through that wilderness.

2. You use tangible descriptions that describe your heroine's ordeal. There is the image of her stumbling over the rocky terrain. You have her soaked to the bone. You have her looking through serpent and having voices wandering in her.

3. It rhymes and follows some sort of structure. The older I get, the more I lose my mind, so the more I like structure. Structure = good thing. And the rhyming is pretty cook too!

4. It reminds me of this song:



And trust me. I love Mumford & Sons.

So yeah! Hopefully this review helped? If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and don't stop writing!

Hey, Blimey!

To start off, this was well-written. Your rhyming was great, and I didn't see any grammatical errors. I think it flowed well, too.

Now, on to the content. I read this with an idea that a friend of yours told you that she was suicidal and had given up hope, that no one seemed to notice or care that she was struggling. Then, you throw in the last stanza.

"This pitiful, helpless girl, whose voice wanders in my mind,
Is simply the result of combined thoughts, anything but kind.
A question lingers: "Is there a glimmer of hope upon the horizon,
Or is it simply a figment of my warped imagination?" "

Maybe it's just my overtired brain, but I couldn't quite figure this out. I wasn't sure if she had taken her life, if you thought she had but wasn't sure, or if this girl wasn't really a friend, but just someone you created in your mind. (Perhaps as a picture of yourself in your situation?) I, as the reader, would like to know.

I can connect well to this poem, as I have had many friends go through depression. Some of them made it through, but others took their life. I often feared that I was too late to reach out, or that I had found out too late. Only once has that been true, though. If this is a friend who is suicidal but has not taken action, I would encourage you to talk with her. Be sure to have another person with you, or to back you up. It is a very hard burden to bear for someone else, and you will need support so that you don't fall into it. If she has taken her life, then I am so very sorry and can truly say that I know how it feels. Either way, I'm here if you need me. *hugs* If I'm overreacting to this, then I'm relieved to hear that! I find, though, that poems (of this sort) usually come from emotions or scenarios that are current and real.

~Ongoeslife

Wow. This was really good. The rhming was particularly amazing. I find it incredibly hard to rhym withe words like sacrifice and horizon, both of which you used. I didn't find many errors except in the second line of the fourth stanza you put:

"While her whole entire essence aches from the strife."

I love this line and the concept put across but I find that "whole entire" is a little wordy. It may help the line flow better by simply putting "while her whole essence" or "while her entire essence."

Other than that, great job and keep writing!