Let me explain myself really quick... This is the first poem I have written.....ever. My grandfather died last year and I've gone through so much pain: depression, heartache, loneliness.. No one has understood it yet, but I'm learning to trust God... My grandpa was my best friend and the only one I could really talk to... Here it goes....
It has been a year,
And yet the pain is still here.
How long will it last?
This chasm is too vast.
My relationships are dying...
Should I even continue trying?
I see stars of hope in the sky,
But I know it's still night.
How long does it take for the sun to rise?
I don't want to fall into the lies.
When depression draws near, I will say nope!
For I know I still have the hope to hope to hope!
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello!
I love this poem very much. The same feeling happened to me when i lost my aunt. Sometimes you cant express what you feel so its better to write it down than to keep it there and not do anything. This poem is mighty fine and i really really like it.
For me there are no errors or corrections needed.
Im hoping for more. Anyways, good luck and keep on writing!
Hi, blimeylimey! I know how you must feel, and that you are going through very hard, tough times. My greatest regards to you.
Moving on to the story...
I love how you didn't force out the rhyme. You kept it simple, and you made it flow without losing the original meaning. The only part that bothered me about the force was -
The second line looks like you added to hope to hope in order to match other line's syllables, which, really, is forced.
Now to the meanings:
What do you mean about your relationships dying? I understand the second line, but the first still confuses me.
All in all, it was great. It was realistic, so that's why you added the "realistic" genre, which I don't show any bad feelings about.
Thank you for sharing this with YWS. I wont ask you to let it pass. Keep the memory. I wish, sometimes, that things don't happen, but they have to.
Aw, now you're bringing me to tears!
Keep *sniffle* writing!
~Kitty
Hi
Sorry about your loss. I can only imagine your feelings.
But the poem is great. The rhyming certainly adds much color to it. I liked the ideas. Keep it up!
BiancaLU
Thank you so much! It's my first poem, but I like poetry! Thanks for the encouragement!
This was a really sweet poem, and I loved it. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Sorry for your loss.
Anyways, it's the first poem I think I've read on Young Writer's Society that rhymes, and I'm glad for that. It gave the poem a lighter tone. You’re language is perfect, a step above logical, a step down from artsy. You’re formatting is good for an AB poem, and I like the fact that you’re asking questions in the poem, giving the reader something to think about one the poem is over.
Second of all, there were a few things I didn’t like. First, your ending. I thought it was a bit of a queer way to end your poem, saying “the hope to hope to hope!” You should try to wrap it back to the overcoming of the pain, making it less superficial. Also,
“How long does it take for the sun to rise? I don't want to fall into the lies.”
Is also a bit out of rhythm. Aside from that, it was a great poem that really made me feel for you.
Alex out!
Thank you so much for your review! I will take everything that you have said into consideration and look forward to reading some of your works!
Hai! I'm the AlexSushiDog! I'm here to review your work today!
Very nice poem, sorry about your granddad
I really like the nice rhyming pattern, it gives a nice flow to the poem. However section 4 breaks the pattern and seems to stick out a bit as sky does not rhyme with night.
I really like the exit as well "For I know I still have the hope to hope to hope! "
Overall your spelling is very good except for drepession is spelt depression but you can probably see that now. Also I don't get "I see stars of hop in the sky," but maybe I am just to tired right now
Overall, this is a very nice short poem and will definitely make your granddad happy
See ya!
Oh! Thank you so much! Depression was just a typo, and it was supposed to be hope! Haha! Thank you so much!
You're welcome! And if its not rude, could you read either "Listen" or "Birthday Makeover" they don't have many reviews. Anyways, I can't wait to read some of your other work!
I will definitely read them!