She lay in the cold bed,
Her back towards the door.
Her heart lacks emotion;
It is ripped up and worn.
The night is unbearably silent,
Whispers float in the wind.
They tell her she is a failure,
Unable to ever succeed or win.
In the midst of desolate darkness
The menacing whispers grow.
They threaten to destroy her,
In a way no must ever know.
Her thoughts and emotions
Are all locked up inside.
No one can have the key,
They must stay and hide.
Suddenly, her fate now lays
In the hands of the whispers.
She caves in to the urge:
She listens and begins to whither.
She is gentle and fragile,
But no one ever understands
That her life hangs by a thread
Breaking with each strand.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
this great but the line "no must ever know" doesn't make much sense i think you were trying to say '"none would notice" at least that's what i would say but i'm know expert by any means just my opion for whats worth which isn't much and i'm sure you worked hard on it and for that i say good job.
Thanks! The reason I wrote know is to rhyme! But thank you so much!
"She is gentle and fragile,
But no one ever understands
That her life hangs by a thread
Breaking with each strand."
How true this must be for so many people. How sad, but a very sweet poem. It appeals to my better nature and makes me stop and think.
"Suddenly, her fate now lays
In the hands of the whispers.
She caves in to the urge:
She listens and begins to whither."
Here I can picture all of her peers gathered around in groups, talking about her and all of it bringing her down. I like that you didn't just come out and say, "And she is hurt by other peoples' words." You have a good blend of fairly descriptive explanations about what is going through her heart and her mind. You've made it interesting enough to read, but I'm not sitting in my chair, my eyes twitching, trying to figure out what in the world you are talking about.
You've also covered a very used and abused subject that many, many people have written about, over and over and over. That deterred me a little from liking it, but while it holds the same values and morals, it's not dark and gruesome like so many other things, and, even in its classic feel, there is enough of you, enough originality put into it that I don't get the sense that I've read this a million times. The flow is good and your rhymes are good, so that's a plus
Over all, I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you blimeylimey217!
Hey there..!
Okay so now on with the review..I like this poem. I think the idea you had in your mind while writing it shines quite clearly through the poem. It is written simply, the writing style could have been a little more complex, but it works. The simplicity of words makes it much more heartfelt and realistic, which is apparently the genre you were going for. The last stanza is my favorite. I can relate to the girl in the poem, so it speaks to me on a personal level.
All- in- all, great work.