I was running away from a brown colored flamingo? I ran faster and faster until I thought it is safe to stop. I looked around I was in my house, my bed was above me I could go up right now and all this. This nonsense that I was sure was happening, will stop. Will it really be that easy? Will everything go back to normal if I just stay here and never get out?
I sighed loudly. “OMG! Did you really just think that, LAME.” I gasped wondering who said that. “it is me off course”. I was positive I did not say that out loud so why did that mysterious spooky person know what I was thinking. “ummm. You my friend are like really stupid. I am assigned as your inner guide.”
“my inner what?” I said out loud this time. “your inner guide stupid. I am supposed to like monitor your dreams so they like don’t wander off to certain places.” I was really not getting what this girl was saying so I let it pass and tried not to think anything and guess what I could actually completely blank my mind and think of nothing. The inner guide had nothing to say about this. I was now suddenly in a new landscape. It kind of looked like a very nasty version of grand canyon, it showed me bad things. Really bad things that I would rather not say. A spicy shiver went down my back and I felt that someone was standing behind me I turned around and was about to see it’s face when I suddenly woke up holding my breath.
David was still sitting in the same chair he was when I had fallen asleep. I astonishingly wasn’t in as bad of a mood as I had slept in. He seemed to notice that. “I had weird dreams” I said. “I know” he replied. ‘what?’ I thought. “I spoke to your inner guide she told me a lot of things about you kiara” he spoke. I asked him “good or bad?” “both” he replied.
I didn’t know what to say so I just said something like “so umm, now what?” “now” he replied “ you just got yourself a lot of unnecessary problems. Follow me please.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay.......I think I like this chapter best of all. I do think that you've kept the pace of this story too fast, but that's fine. There are a few things that could be fixed:
You wrote " a spicy shiver" in the middle of a paragraph. I don't think SPICY is the right word, you could replace it with " cold" or "eerie".
The beginning of this chapter was nice.
The punctuations still needs work, but overall, it's fine. Carry on!
Mysticalxx
oops! Sorry i didn't see that when i was drafting. Thanks for the review.
Hi Siya! DrFeelGood here to review your story!
I had reviewed your first 2 chapters so I have a decent idea about the plot. This review however shall focus more on the technical aspect of your writing and how you can improve your narration. So let us begin.
Like your first two chapters, you have kept the pacing incrediblely fast. There is a nice mix of dialogues and imagery. The images you paint aren't quite profound but you use them in a way that one can imagine the scene in one's mind. What I like about this piece is, it keeps you hooked right till the end. I do have serious reservations with your non-linear grammatical usage. Basing rules of grammar aren't foolowed here, yet you manage to hold my attention.
That being said, grammar errors act as speed bumps, more often that not, breaking the rhythm of your story. Here's a quick example of how you should break up dialogues.
My only advise here is, you have a tremendous ability to hook the reader. You really know how to engage your readers and strike a fine balance between showing and telling. What you need is crisp editing. Typos, run-on, punctuation should be delt with some strictness and you really need to look into the technical aspect of writing in detail.
Apart from that, you're an ingenious writer! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for this wonderful review. Now that you point them out, i realoze my mistakes. I will keep these details in mind next time.
Hey, Siya. I'm going to drop off a quick review to this - good on you, getting this new chapter up.
So, the first thing that I want to make sure is that this follows directly on from the last chapter, where she was drugged. Due to the dream stuff, I assume it is, but other readers might not, so be careful.
I am really intrigued by this dream guide, and the fact that it's a brown flamingo. Will we see more of her, because that could be another unique thing from your novel? I love how I never know what I'm going to get next from you.... It makes me glad I am invested in this story.
Your paragraphing has definitely improved, which is a great step forward. Bravo
Okay, nitpick time....You, my friend, need to watch your dialogue. In fact, I suggest that you make it your mission to work on that next.
I noticed that: a) you don't use capital letters at the start of what the characters say, and b) you don't put a new line for every new speaker. Your story could be incredibly difficult and tedious to read if you don't sort out the little things (I know that this probably seems mean, but it's true. Believe me.) Oh, and don't forget punctuation at the end of the speech!
Also, capital letters for names. It's Kiara! Have I also told you that when you directly address someone, you write it with a comma before the name?
I can't wait to see more of this novel, and to watch it improve upon itself every chapter. Keep up the good work, Siya!
I'll be back when you post chapter six...