For the second time in the same day I woke up in a weird room except this time I saw that David is sitting on a chair in the same room. Looking at his face I remembered what had happened to Nick and then the way I fell down. My poor brother Nick. Tears started streaming from my eyes. This can’t be happening and what test was he even talking about?
I finally decided that I will ask him what the hades was going on. “which test are you talking about ?” I finally asked him. I am strong girl I said to myself as I was asking david about that stupid test. He thought something for a second and then said “The test I was talking about is the test that tells us if you are a tutores or not. And nick apparently wasn’t. I am sorry he said once again.” I was still trying hard not to break down since I have always been strong and avoid telling everyone my emotions. I then slowly asked him “what kind of a test are you talking about? And what do you mean by tootorees.” He very calmly replied “you remember how you got stabbed in the heart after nick did, well that was the test. If you survive you are a tutores if you don’t then you are not. And tutores mean guardians in Spanish. That’s what we are guardians. I am again just going to say that there is no need to feel bad your brother is in a better place now.” I was now majorly pissed I am trying hard to not think about nick but this guy just won’t stop reminding me of him. So I suddenly blurted out through a lot of tears “what is your problem? Can you just stop talking about nick and all that ‘he is in a better place now’ nonsense.” He very calmly replied “he really is in a better place now like there is really a place called ‘the better place’ and that is where nick is so… oh and take this” and he handed me an olive green capsule. “what is this” I asked annoyed from his lies while taking the capsule. “oh. That is just a medicine which will make your senses dull till you get over nick.” He replied. I just said ‘oh’ still kind of pissed. I took the capsule and swallowed it. Bumchikaduooma . wahhhhht. I really feel good right now. Hmm this is funny. I suddenly felt sleepy so I slept again.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! I liked this, since we seem to be getting in the heart of the story now. I like the concept of the "Better Place", but something confuses me. First, the test is a bit weird, because Kiara's mom had said that they both were tutores, so why would Nick die? I think it's a little plot hole you didn't notice. Don't worry :p these kind of things happen all the time.
Second, I think you need to add more expression to the story. I mean, it doesn't just have to go on with simple explanations for everything, and dialogue. Add a little EXTRA, a little flair, to interest the readers. It's your choice, really.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
hey...the stories are quite interesting. anyway, the only piece of advice id like to give is- try to take care of the sentence making and arranging way... See to it that the sentences are grammatically arranged.
is there going to be a chapter 5?
Thanks for reading my story. There will definitely be more chapter ahead.
Hey, Siya! Adrian here to review another chapter of your novel.
This is a good chapter! The reader now sort of knows what is going on. The main character is a part of this 'guardians' thing, whatever that is. We know for sure what happened to Nick (I'm hoping that he's still alive somehow, but I know he isn't.) David's character seems to be showing through. (He's very calm in tense situations, high authority, knowlegable.)
The first thing I notice while reading this is not about the story itself, but the length of the second paragraph. Things like that might make the reader not read the story because how difficult it is to read it while it is in one big chunk. There is a sort of helpful hint to remember when to make a new paragraph! It's called TIP TOP. Time (when the time has changed in the story), Place (the characters have gone somewhere else), Topic (when the topic has changed), and Person (when someone new is talking).
That helps the reader be able to read the story without straining or losing their place!
I would like to note that is a very odd test. Also, Kiara's mother had said, “You both are tutores and I am very sorry.” Now we are told that Nick wasn't? How did the mother even know that they were tutores? How did Nick not survive? Hopefully these questions will be asnwered later on, because I am very interested.
Another thing, since we were told that 'tutores' means 'guardians' in Spanish, will that play an important role? Will this talk about Spanish culture?
I actually like the use of 'Hades' there! It gives the character some sort of voice. Kiara doesn't swear, she uses 'Hades' instead. It's not even her monitering what she says aloud, she uses something else in her thoughts. Which also raises the question whether the Greek gods are going to be a part of this. Because her using the word 'Hades' could be foreshadowing.
I would use 'what' instead of 'which'.
Perhaps use italics for her thoughts? That would help for telling apart the thoughts from everything else. However, that doesn't have to be changed if you do not want it to be.
I am very proud of this, and I hope that you will keep on writing!
~Adri
Thanks a lot again, Adrian. I am really happy you liked it. Questions will be answered in the later chapters ( hopefully). Since i am not a good enough writer for my age i tend to forget points here and there( like that one about Nick you pointed out ). I will try to not do things like that ahead but since this is already done i will cover up for it later.
You are an amazing author, Siya. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
Hey, Siya! It's me again...
So, this was an interesting chapter. This storyline just keeps getting better! I'm glad you explained what tutores are.... I really can't wait to see where this goes.
Okay, onto what could be improved. I'll try to keep my points short, as it's not the nicest thing to read, is it?
Er, I don't know if you've noticed this, but you forgot your capital letters sometimes. Names must always have capital letters at the beginning, for example. Just check your sentence openers and make sure they're capitalised. So, "nick" is actually "Nick". Also, I tend to start direct speech (inside the speech marks) with a capital letter, so you may want to look into that.
I think you put the speech marks here in the wrong place by accident. Also, there is no need for the extra "a" in there. This is just a minor typo thing, though.
I feel like this ending could be improved. Firstly, I'm asking what the first word means (I would call it a nonsense word), and why it's there. Sometimes the idea of made up words works, but it has no real relevance here.
Also, your writing is normally better than the last sentence. Not that it doesn't make sense, but it just seems kind of weak. Wording could be something to pay attention to in future, so as not to lose the reader's interest in your awesome story.
I also want to advise you on tenses. In this chapter, you have present tense (including "feels" and "is"), and past tense (including "started" - any words generally ending in "ed" - and also words like "took"). Stories are only written in one tense or the other because both would be confusing.
The last thing I'll say to you is to take in the advice that I and others have given you in reviews. We are all here to help, and it will really benefit your writing. I must stress that this point is one of the most important in my review, because it will make the most difference in the long run.
Until next chapter...
Hi bella. I just realised my no capitals mistake. Yeah, now that i read this again i see your point. ' Bumchikaduooma' basically just indicates that she is feeling funny and everything has gone light and her thoughts are now stupid and random it is not a made up word with meaning or something. Thanks a lot. I will try harder next time.
A suggestion: why not say about her brain has gone light etc.? It would make for a much more powerful ending and it would be easier to understand.... Can you see how the reader might not get what the word (I can't even spell it) means?
Don't forget to capitalise Nick!
Yeah! Got it. Thanks