Happy endings are overrated. Hi I am Kiara Dawson and I turned 13 years old just today. Honestly I do not know who I am now so I think that is all I can tell you about me. How I ended up in this state you ask? Then here’s your answer-
3 years ago on my 10th birthday my life is just as normal as it could be. I woke up late, ate waffles for breakfast after being wished by everyone in my house that is my mom lily Dawson and dad James Dawson and of course my younger brother nick he was 7. I had a birthday bash at my house at 5 and it was just 12 right now so lots of time to burn, so I do what anyone would. Go shopping. I was going to get a lot of clothes for myself today since I have a thing for making some birthdays extra special like 10 years is special since I have been alive for a decade now and also because it’s a round number and also because it’s my first 2 digit age . So you get what I mean I hope.
My mom was out in the lawn playing with nick when I came and told her my plan to go shopping and I asked her if she could come with me. She said yes so we changed. I wore a pair of skinny jeans my boots and a blue t-shirt and jumped in the car. Time went by really fast in the mall I got god knows how many clothes before I saw my watch and realized it 4 already so we rushed back home. Thankfully my dad had already done all the decorations and had ordered the food. I went to my room changed into my black leather dress (author’s note –if you are reading this Yastika then let me tell you it is your dress I am talking about) and a pair of black wedges.
I got down and heard my mom’s voice and she seemed angry about something as she talked to my dad. Naturally I got suspicious since my mom is hardly ever angry so I get back up and eavesdrop. I heard my mom say, “No James they can’t do something. Any day but today please. Can we stall them in some way?” my dad immediately replied, “ I know you are upset lily but there is nothing we can do we have to tell the kids now or they will be here. I am sorry”. Ok now I am very confused what are they talking about? What will they tell us? And who will come here? Whoever those people were I was not willing to meet them. After a long silence my mom shouted so everyone could here, “Kiara , Nick can you both come down for a minute I need to tell you both something”. I shouted “just a second” I yelled as I came down pretending nothing happened and I didn’t hear anything. I sat down on the couch and after a few seconds even nick came down. We looked at our parents expectantly. They didn’t say anything and then slowly my mom said “you both are tutores and I am very sorry”. Then she stood up walked over to nick got a knife out and stabbed him in his heart. I screamed.
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Hello, siyasingh! I'm Adrian, and I'm here to deliver a review to you. Now, before we begin I would like to warn you that I do have a tendency to be a bit harsh. So, sorry in advance. However, on with the review!
The first paragraph is rather cliche. With Kiara introducing her name and age in the beginning. Nothing exciting, nothing to draw me in. It's just... boring. The overall first paragraph feels like it's trying to hook the reader in, but just ultimately failing. It's trying to add in mystery with the: "Honestly I do not know who I am now..." However, that doesn't really add anything to it. Like a boring start to a YA novel where the main character is left in a situation where they found out that their whole life was a complete lie.
Also, from this:
The story seems like it's about a teen narrator with a horrible life. Either the ending will be un-happy, or happy with contradict the beginning. So a lot has been told to the reader, whether intended or not. Frankly, I don't feel the need to read on after the first part.
If I understand it correctly, numbers should be written out. 1 is one, 2 is two, 3 is three, and so forth. So there's that.
Also, "my life is just as normal..." Well, Kiara is talking about the past, so why is the present tense being used. That makes it very confusing and hard to follow along.
Is that information really needed? Will it add anything to the plot or overall outcome. It's just described so briefly.
What was being wished? I assume it was happy birthday, but the reader is not told. So, how do we know?
Perhaps re-word the whole sentence. "After eating breakfast, my mom, dad, and brother Nick wished me a happy birthday." That would take care of the unnecessary information and just flows better. Also, does the reader seriously need to know Kiara's mom and dad's names? Will it help later? Or can that be introduced another way? Same for Nick's age: can it be told to the reader somehow else?
The third paragraph doesn't seem to have anything that would make me want to read either. The main character went shopping for clothing and had a lot of clothes. So what? What is supposed to make me care? Also, where is some of the description? This is just an overview of what's happening! Even though this is the past, it can still be described in some detail!
Well, that ending was a unexpected. Just stabbing a seven year old in the heart? That's a little harsh. By the way, will the "tutores" be explained in later chapters? Or something like that, because I'm a little bit interested in that. I also hope the stabbing will be explained. >.< That was sudden. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing!
~Adrian
It is all fine with me adrian i get a lot of harsh reviews here and there. I am sorry at i disappointed you here and there but in my defense this is my first time writing a story. Thank you for reviewing, it helped me a lot. Yes i will explaininf everything in the next chapter.
Hi! Here to review
Thanks for the time! ~CardSouth
First of all, I love your opening sentence. It's so hard to create a good, orginal opener that really grabs the readers attention, and if usually if the piece doesn't catch my eye in the first 2-3 sentences I stop reading. Good job!!
Little picky punctuation rule is set the introduction/greeting apart with a comma. In this case, it would read, "Hi, my name is Kiara Dawson, and I just turned thirteen today." (Other rules include the compound sentence needs a comma and always spell out any number ninety-nine or less! This helps to polish your piece and makes it come off more professional.)
You've changed your verb tense in the second paragraph. When you say "Three years ago...", you are creating a flashback-like scenerio because it was three years ago. It already happened, and now you're going to tell the story of what happened. You should do this in past tense, whereas you've stayed in present. This can confuse the reader regarding the setting of the scene, and all in all, this creates a more organized, easier to follow timeline. You've already switched to past tense within the second sentence, but I would definitely change the first.
You had a few run on sentences in the second paragraph as well.
Whoa. Nice plot twist. This is a really good story that can be made great just with a few rereading and revising some sentences to form more complete thoughts. Remember, show don't tell and be conscious of what verb tense you're in! Well done and I look forward to reading more from you, there will be a chapter two I hope?
There will definitely be a chapter 2. Thanks for the feedback. I have always been kind of bad with punctuation so i will try to keep this in mind.