I screamed loudly and then slowly my mom advanced towards me and I knew what was coming. I looked at my dad expecting him to jump up and rescue me…but no. he just stood there and looked expectantly at my mom. Oh my gods I can’t believe this my parents just murdered my brother and now they were going to do the same with me. No I thought I can’t let them do this to me. I ran off the couch and I would love to say that I like a super heroine zoomed out of the house and saved myself but my mom was already expecting me to do this and I didn’t know this up until then but my mom was darn fast. She caught me and before I could do anything I felt the piercing pain of the dagger going through my heart.
I suddenly woke up and realized it was dark outside so it was probably night. Hmm…….. I can’t remember what happened much. I was having fuzzy and funny thoughts something about my mom being a psycho killer.huh stupid me. What the Hades happened over here, everywhere I looked there was broken furniture or glass and basically it looked like a tornado had passed by this place. Wait. This isn’t my house I realized as I looked around the place. I was in a small cottage room I realized by the looks of this place no one has come here in centuries because some of the only few things that were not broken were buried under dust. i looked down where my heart is supposed to be only to see a blood soaked shirt and something that looked mysteriously like silver metal. On that weird note I got up and started walking towards a door opposite to the side on which I was on. I started walking towards the door and surprisingly I felt no pain. I opened the door and it lead to a very funny room. Everything in the room was blue and I mean everything. There were 2 people sitting there one of them was tall and had blonde hair the other one looked Spanish and had raven black hair. They were talking in hushed tones when I had entered but when they saw me they stopped talking. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds but then the blonde guy spoke up. Hi my name is David and welcome to the land of the guardian angels.
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139,055 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
So, I was glad to find a second part to this story. I thought it had ended there
. However, you still need to fix punctuation and grammatical errors. Look, commas are important. That's because there are pauses in human speech, right? When you write stuff without punctuation marks, it gives the sense that the people are all speaking in one breath.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Thanks once again.
Hello, siyasingh - BellaRoma (I also answer to Bella or Bells) here to review your novel. Loving your avatar.
I have read the first chapter and this with interest. By the way, the title is amazing.
Your premise gripped me so much, that I thought I'd offer my expertise (okay, maybe I'm no expert XD). I think this is a very creative idea of yours and there`s nothing I`d change about your actual plot. In fact, I must commend you for fitting so much into such a short piece of writing. The presentation just needs some polishing...
Here are my first thoughts on how to make you story easier to read:
1) Commas
People have already said about run on sentences in this work. The main issue I had was that you can't read them all in one breath. Do you really talk like that? No - there are natural pauses in human speech.... Whenever we have one of these pauses, we put a comma to break up the sentence. I have been doing it naturally during this review. For an example, it often goes before a connective, as you're starting a new part of the sentence.
The best thing to do is to read what you have aloud, and put a comma wherever you need to pause.
I can't tell you all the grammatical ins and outs, but this site has some great articles on punctuation which I recommend you look around for *embarrassed to admit I know where any of them are*.
When you have commas in your sentences, they won`t be so difficult to read.
2) Dialogue
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. This right here was my worst nightmare when I was new to the site. You already know about adding the speech marks, so I won‘t bug you about that. The main thing is the punctuating of it (precisely my initial problem).
At the end of each person`s line, you have a punctuation mark. That`s your question marks, exclamation marks, and ellipses. Most commonly, there`s a comma to link in the tag. All of these must go inside the quotation marks.
If this isn`t helping, then there are also articles/tutorials here on all the rules of dialogue.
Finally, when you have direct speech, don`t forget a new line for every new speaker. This will help space out your work for readers as well.
I hope I have helped you out here. Keep writing - you`re doing great! Definitely give me a shout if you post chapter 3!
@siyasingh, I hope this advice helps improve the clarity of your writing.
I am really happy to know you like my story. Punctuation is a nightmare to me, but i will certainly try to focus on it.and this helped a lot. Thanks
I have the same issue. The other writers here have really helped, though. You'll pick things up.
I hope i do.
Do you all want me to countinue the story? I will be posting the 3rd chapter soon
It would be lovely if you continued your story!
Please do!
Okey dokey
Hello, siyasingh! I reviewed your last chapter, so I thought I would review this one! As I have said, I do have a tendency to be harsh, so I apologize. Enough with the banter, on with the review!
So, a lot of things happened this chapter. Kiara almost gets killed, and then she doesn't. Or is she killed? The main character is in the land of guardian angels. Is she one herself? Did her angel save her life, and now does she have to repay them? In the first chapter, she stated that she did not know who she was. So I'm guessing that she is actually an angel. If she is one, what will happen to her? Is there some sort of training Kiara will have to go through? Because either way, whatever happens to the poor main characrer, this book is going to be interesting.
A... dagger pierced her heart. There is no way that Kiara would be alive, right now. Unless there was some magical healing going on. Actually, I have a question. Was her heart replaced with the silver metal that was briefly mentioned? Or is the metal some sort of bandage to heal her? That should probably be added onto at some point in time, just to fill the reader in. Because I am very confused.
There only needs to be three periods. Not eight. (Three forms an ellipsis. The rest are completely unnecessary, and don't need to be there.)
One thing I would like to say is that there needs to be more description! I can't seem to see much of what's going on. While some things are said in the passing, there isn't really enough for me to get a grasp on the world. Like, right here: "Everything in the room was blue and I mean everything." I understand everything in the room was blue, but what type of blue? Did the shades vary, or was it all one type? What's in the room anyway. because what I am currently seeing is blue walls and blue floors. Is there a table? Some books? Some bookshelves for the books? I need to know!
There needs to be a space between the period and "huh." The H in "huh" also needs to be capitalized, since it's the start of a sentence.
This whole chapter is two paragraphs. Two big paragraphs which makes it hard to read! Perhaps split it up just a little bit? (If you need any help on that, I'll link an article.)
The "I" needs to be capitalized. Also, her shirt is blood soaked. Wouldn't there be a stronger reaction to seeing her own blood? Because seems like she is brushing it off. Maybe a moment of shock, a bit of dizziness, trying to calm herself down? This whole situation is rather traumatizing, but she seems chill about it.
Also, her brother literally died. Wouldn't Kiara be just a little upset over that? Her emotions right now do not seem to make that much sense. Perhaps a little mourning over Nick later? (Or was he saved by a guardian angel too?
As I have said, I like where this is going. This is a very interesting story and I hope that you will keep on writing!
~Adri
Thanks a lot adrian. I apologize for the wrong punctuation since i am not that good at it. You have asked me a lot of things and i can't answer all of them because i will reveal those things later. The reason she is not seeming as sad as she should be because she is not able to process what happend and is happening. Thanks a lot.
Hey there! I didn't read the first chapter to this (though I will when I'm done here), But I think this is very interesting so far.
Some correction suggestions:
"I screamed loudly and then slowly my mom advanced towards me and I knew what was coming." This sentence is the very first, and it should be just enough to draw the readers in. I feel like it is a tad bit too run-on. So, instead, you could change it to: "I knew what was coming when my loud screams drew my mother's attention." Or something of that sort.
"No I thought I can’t let them do this to me." needs some commas, to give the sentence more structure (it's proper grammar, and sorry if this is more of a nit-pick). So, that would be like: "No, I thought. I can't let them do this to me." or "No, I thought, I can't let them do this to me."
I'm only going to point out one more, and that's this sentence: "I ran off the couch and I would love to say that I like a super heroine zoomed out of the house and saved myself but my mom was already expecting me to do this and I didn’t know this up until then but my mom was darn fast"
Way way way too long. Major run-on sentence. xD
So, my suggestion would be to change it to: "I wish I could say that I ran out of the house with super-(human/heroine/hero) speed, but my Mother was expecting me to run. Much to my surprise, she was faster than I was."
I'd like to point out a few more things. You didn't use quotations around speech(Hi my name is David and welcome to the land of the guardian angels.), which makes it difficult to separate the speech from the rest of the story. It would help the readers and the overall structure of your story to add those. You tend to have run-on sentences(we are all guilty of that. It happens.), which can be easily corrected by separating them into more than one sentence. I don't see any other errors that are in need of correcting. You can choose to take my suggestions, or leave them. That is completely up to you as a writer.
Overall, I really like your story! It's interesting how the mother killed her kids, and the father just watched! I'm gonna read the first story to this, to see if I can fill in any gaps.
Keep Writing,
~Nora
Anks a lot nora. Yeah i just realized i completely forgot to use quotations. My bad. I will surely keep your suggestions in mind next rime
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