Young Writers Society

Alright...........I was DEFINITELY not expecting this! One up to you for surprising me. There are a few things, though, that need work.

1. You really need to work on punctuation,as you've barely added commas or colons in the story and sometimes, even the names (such as Nick) are left uncapitalized). Please correct this, as punctaution is very vital for good impression on the readers.

2. In the second paragraph, you've put a lot of numbers. A tip: If you mention your character's ages and personal stuff right in the beginning, it takes some of the interest out of reading. Try to mention the dates gradually instead of just right out saying that Kiara was ten and Nick was......you know what I mean.

The ending is good, but it woud be even better with punctuation marks and all the stuff I mentioned above. I don't mean to offend you with all this. I hope this helped. Overall, it's a good theme.

Keep it up!


Mysticalxx

Wow. Just-I wasn't really sure what to expect. When I saw the title , I thought this might actually have to do with a dream, or at least something of that sort, but just-I don't even have words to explain. This is really good, and I can't wait to see more in the future. I see you already have more parts out, so I'll read them after this review.
I really liked your story idea, it seemed rather original. However, there were a few problems I found:
There are a few run-on sentences in the story. Some could use some commas and others need periods, but I think the main problem is commas. If you need help with using commas, I'd be glad to help you.

Just a couple of the words aren't capitalized, such as a few times you mention Nick's name, which should always be capitalized because, well, it's a name.

The ending, though I really like and is very abrupt (which I love in stories and in writing), is a little too sudden and should be just a tad bit descriptive.

I apologize if I hurt some feelings, and you don't have to take my advice if you don't want, but I thought I'd just make some notes that you could take into consideration. Even though there were some mistakes, I really liked this and I can't wait to see more! Keep writing this!
~Prez. T

Hi there Siya, DrFeelGood here to talk about your story.

Alright this is a fascinating idea to start with. Now let's begin the review.

Happy endings are overrated. Hi I am Kiara Dawson and I turned 13 years old just today. Honestly I do not know who I am now so I think that is all I can tell you about me. How I ended up in this state you ask? Then here’s your answer-

This has potential. It certainly has all the elements of a good story. But... there are a few things that might need some work.

1. Starting off a story with a name and an age often turns away readers. You have to keep your readers guessing. They want a treasure hunt for the name of the character. It doesn't excite people when you hand it to them.

2. I enjoy the first person view, but tell it like it's happening right in front of you. By telling it in past tense, you give hints. You know that Keira lives through this scene, because she's telling you the story. However, if she's telling the story like it's happening right now, like she's describing a movie scene to someone, it's a shock to the readers. Is she going to run? Is she going to try to work it out with her parents?

3. You have to be careful about the way you describe eating or dressing or doing the everyday stuff all people do. I struggle with this myself as a writer. You want to make your character relateable, but you want to do it so it's exciting.

Maybe she's in a rush to go to the mall. Maybe she notices her mom or dad is acting weird. She can eat waffles and put on clothes, but something needs to be distinctly different. Because so far, your story is about a girl who has her brother murdered in front of her. Definately not an everyday average story...

Here's an example for how I would start it:

oknot bad

sorry guys this was a story not lyrics