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E - Everyone

And then the dream comes true.........not

by siyasingh

Happy endings are overrated. Hi I am Kiara Dawson and I turned 13 years old just today. Honestly I do not know who I am now so I think that is all I can tell you about me. How I ended up in this state you ask? Then here’s your answer-

3 years ago on my 10th birthday my life is just as normal as it could be. I woke up late, ate waffles for breakfast after being wished by everyone in my house that is my mom lily Dawson and dad James Dawson and of course my younger brother nick he was 7. I had a birthday bash at my house at 5 and it was just 12 right now so lots of time to burn, so I do what anyone would. Go shopping. I was going to get a lot of clothes for myself today since I have a thing for making some birthdays extra special like 10 years is special since I have been alive for a decade now and also because it’s a round number and also because it’s my first 2 digit age . So you get what I mean I hope.

My mom was out in the lawn playing with nick when I came and told her my plan to go shopping and I asked her if she could come with me. She said yes so we changed. I wore a pair of skinny jeans my boots and a blue t-shirt and jumped in the car. Time went by really fast in the mall I got god knows how many clothes before I saw my watch and realized it 4 already so we rushed back home. Thankfully my dad had already done all the decorations and had ordered the food. I went to my room changed into my black leather dress (author’s note –if you are reading this Yastika then let me tell you it is your dress I am talking about) and a pair of black wedges.

I got down and heard my mom’s voice and she seemed angry about something as she talked to my dad. Naturally I got suspicious since my mom is hardly ever angry so I get back up and eavesdrop. I heard my mom say, “No James they can’t do something. Any day but today please. Can we stall them in some way?” my dad immediately replied, “ I know you are upset lily but there is nothing we can do we have to tell the kids now or they will be here. I am sorry”. Ok now I am very confused what are they talking about? What will they tell us? And who will come here? Whoever those people were I was not willing to meet them. After a long silence my mom shouted so everyone could here, “Kiara , Nick can you both come down for a minute I need to tell you both something”. I shouted “just a second” I yelled as I came down pretending nothing happened and I didn’t hear anything. I sat down on the couch and after a few seconds even nick came down. We looked at our parents expectantly. They didn’t say anything and then slowly my mom said “you both are tutores and I am very sorry”. Then she stood up walked over to nick got a knife out and stabbed him in his heart. I screamed.

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163 Reviews

Points: 5016
Reviews: 163

Tue Aug 11, 2015 9:20 am
Mysticalxx wrote a review...

Alright...........I was DEFINITELY not expecting this! One up to you for surprising me. There are a few things, though, that need work.

1. You really need to work on punctuation,as you've barely added commas or colons in the story and sometimes, even the names (such as Nick) are left uncapitalized). Please correct this, as punctaution is very vital for good impression on the readers.

2. In the second paragraph, you've put a lot of numbers. A tip: If you mention your character's ages and personal stuff right in the beginning, it takes some of the interest out of reading. Try to mention the dates gradually instead of just right out saying that Kiara was ten and Nick know what I mean.

The ending is good, but it woud be even better with punctuation marks and all the stuff I mentioned above. I don't mean to offend you with all this. I hope this helped. Overall, it's a good theme.

Keep it up!


siyasingh says...

Thanks for reviewing. I will surely start paying more attention to the points you have mentioned above while writing.

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79 Reviews

Points: 3665
Reviews: 79

Sun Feb 01, 2015 1:27 am
XPresidentTurtlesX wrote a review...

Wow. Just-I wasn't really sure what to expect. When I saw the title , I thought this might actually have to do with a dream, or at least something of that sort, but just-I don't even have words to explain. This is really good, and I can't wait to see more in the future. I see you already have more parts out, so I'll read them after this review.
I really liked your story idea, it seemed rather original. However, there were a few problems I found:
There are a few run-on sentences in the story. Some could use some commas and others need periods, but I think the main problem is commas. If you need help with using commas, I'd be glad to help you.

Just a couple of the words aren't capitalized, such as a few times you mention Nick's name, which should always be capitalized because, well, it's a name.

The ending, though I really like and is very abrupt (which I love in stories and in writing), is a little too sudden and should be just a tad bit descriptive.

I apologize if I hurt some feelings, and you don't have to take my advice if you don't want, but I thought I'd just make some notes that you could take into consideration. Even though there were some mistakes, I really liked this and I can't wait to see more! Keep writing this!
~Prez. T

siyasingh says...

I am very happy you liked it . yes i know about my run on sentwnces as many people have told me that in reviews. I will try to work on it. Thanks. Countinue reviewing.

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134 Reviews

Points: 474
Reviews: 134

Sun Jan 25, 2015 3:54 pm
DrFeelGood wrote a review...

Hi there Siya, DrFeelGood here to talk about your story.

Alright this is a fascinating idea to start with. Now let's begin the review.

Happy endings are overrated. Hi I am Kiara Dawson and I turned 13 years old just today. Honestly I do not know who I am now so I think that is all I can tell you about me. How I ended up in this state you ask? Then here’s your answer-

Now that's a remarkable opening sentence. Haven't ever seen a piece which says happy ending is overrated, so it is very original and unique in itself. But hang on, it is also a major spoilsport.
I mean, this is just the beginning of your story and you are giving away a crucial twist so lightly, and though fresh in thinking, that opening sentence needs to changed because you gave me the twist even before you began the story.

Another point in this opening is, "Then here's your answer-" looks more like an answer to a science/history question rather than a story, you have to format in a different way.

The pacing is super fast here giving me no time to think or even evaluate what is happening and while many people feel mystery should be descriptive, slow and steady, I actually like your pacing. It is so fast that things take place even before I sense it. However if you're planning to make it a very big story you need to slow down.

I have to admit though, that twist in the end was totally unpredictable and while I got a subtle hint from your opening line that things won't be all good, I never expected Nick to get stabbed. I am now going to check you chapter 2 because here you really managed to get me hooked. Overall, this has a strong potential. Waiting to see how you take this forward!

siyasingh says...

Thanks a lot. I will definitely keep these ings in mind next time.

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18 Reviews

Points: 1173
Reviews: 18

Wed Jan 14, 2015 6:27 pm
kymorhens wrote a review...

This has potential. It certainly has all the elements of a good story. But... there are a few things that might need some work.

1. Starting off a story with a name and an age often turns away readers. You have to keep your readers guessing. They want a treasure hunt for the name of the character. It doesn't excite people when you hand it to them.

2. I enjoy the first person view, but tell it like it's happening right in front of you. By telling it in past tense, you give hints. You know that Keira lives through this scene, because she's telling you the story. However, if she's telling the story like it's happening right now, like she's describing a movie scene to someone, it's a shock to the readers. Is she going to run? Is she going to try to work it out with her parents?

3. You have to be careful about the way you describe eating or dressing or doing the everyday stuff all people do. I struggle with this myself as a writer. You want to make your character relateable, but you want to do it so it's exciting.

Maybe she's in a rush to go to the mall. Maybe she notices her mom or dad is acting weird. She can eat waffles and put on clothes, but something needs to be distinctly different. Because so far, your story is about a girl who has her brother murdered in front of her. Definately not an everyday average story...

Here's an example for how I would start it:

Spoiler! :
I've had normal birthdays for the longest time. I'm ready for excitement. Ready for something unexpected and exciting. Thirteen is an important age. I'm basically a teenager now... anything could happen...

When she's at the mall with her mom, maybe something like this could happen:
Spoiler! :
"Mom, which do you like? The blue shirt or the orange one?"

She stares at the ground, her lips move as if she's talking under her breath. "Mom?" I repeat, slightly worried for her.

She looks up, but her eyes are still vacant. "Yes, dear?"

"I was wondering which you liked better..." I hold them up, so she can see them both.

"Definately blue," she mutters, as she looks around the shop. I look around as well.

"Are you looking for someone? Are you feeling well?" I ask. I hope she's not sick. That would make it a bad birthday for me.

She returns her focus to me, brushing my hair behind my hair to reassure me. "It's just...your birthday. I hope everything works out well for us."

"It will be great. Dad has everything planned out. Don't worry." She nods, but doesn't look much happier. I put the orange shirt back on the rack.

I would be happy to help you more with your story. It sounds like you have something really cool planned for it. The way her mom said that last line was really creepy good.

I WANT MORE! Good luck, and i'm willing to help in any way I can.

<3 KY

siyasingh says...

Wow. Thannks a lot. It really helped and i really liked your spoilers. The reason i used past tense is because we will come back to the present in 2-3 days and then the story will countinue from there.

kymorhens says...

Ok. That makes sense! :) Excited to read more.

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57 Reviews

Points: 1298
Reviews: 57

Wed Jan 14, 2015 5:37 am
Tay01 says...

oknot bad

siyasingh says...

Do you think i should countinue it?

Tay01 says...

i dont know

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24 Reviews

Points: 449
Reviews: 24

Tue Jan 13, 2015 1:01 pm
siyasingh says...

sorry guys this was a story not lyrics

I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content