Previously, Jason and Edwards came to know that the mysterious old man was a scientist who was involved in creation of a virtual world for game lovers.The world allowed humans to enter into it but in order to return back, they needed a demorpher device.Since they had no such device they needed to cross three levels or phases to make a successful exit from the virtual digital world.The old man who introduced himself as Evian proposed to join in their quest of escape from the virtual world.
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A zombie soldier was disturbed by by the clamor made in the cell.
Zombie soldier said,"Quiet! Prisoners.Fear the rage of Lord Destiny! You will be severely punished else"
Jason started making faces and weird gestures.Meanwhile Edwards started crying and howling.Evian picked up some heavy metal in his hand and was ready to attack.
The zombie soldier could no longer bear the disturbance in the cell and opened the door of the cell and shoved Jason.He warned them.Evian came forward and hit the zombie soldier hard with the heavy metal piece on its head.Jason and Edwards violently attacked it, kicked and punched it until it was no longer able to move at all.
Jason said,"I had collected some golden water in his container"
At this Evian said,"That golden water is actually most purified form of data as only pure uncorrupted bits of data can only flow in the golden river.Now Jason,quickly sprinkle some golden water on the zombie soldier.It is made of corrupt data and I am sure the golden liquid will neutralize it"
Jason quickly sprinkled some drops of golden liquid on the zombie soldier and to their astonishment they found it to quickly disintegrate into bits of information and it vanished in no time"
Jason and Edwards looked excited after discovering the power of the golden water and how it can demolish evil.
Jason,Edwards and Evian emerged out of the cell and quickly started moving towards the main hall.
Jason said,"We must find the sword of the decoder"
Several zombie soldiers tried stopping them but all of them were demolished by sprinkling drops of golden water.They realized it represents victory of truth against evil.
The destiny's child was resting in its cradle.
At a point in the chamber the container containing golden water started to glow even brighter.
Evian said,"I think it is trying to indicate something very important.Perhaps,something that is pure and strong.Is it trying to indicate that the sword of decoder is in our close proximity?"
Edwards said,"Hey,Jason sprinkle drops of golden water all around the hall.There must be something we can find."
Jason did so and suddenly the walls of the halls started shaking and a door appeared on the wall which was not visible in usual circumstances.
Evian said,"Jason, I think the sword of decoder is hidden in that secret chamber.The destiny's child must have utilized his evil powers to conceal it such that no one is able to reach it.It is the only way we can annihilate the evil child"
Jason ran towards the door and opened it.He found a secret chamber with lot of weapons and it was difficult for him to identify the sword of the decoder.
Meanwhile,the destiny's child rose u and appeared in front of them.He was looking really angry and picked up his weapons which were in the form of dangerous toys and started shooting at Edwards and Evian.
Edwards and Evian were able to dodge it and quickly hid behind some furniture in the hall.The destiny's child was furious and started screamingly angrily.All the zombie soldiers were demolished and there were no more hindrance apart from the evil baby.
Edwards screamed,"Hurry up Jason!"
Inside the secret chamber Jason sprinkled drops of golden water in the weapons.Only one weapon glowed and rose above and all the weapons created by illusion disappeared.He again sprinkled drops of golden water to the sword hanging above and it came down and Jason acquired possession of the sword.
Jason came out.This sight made the destiny's child furious and he attacked Jason with a laser shot from his toy gun but it did not affect him in any way as he was holding the sword of the decoder.Edwards and Evian were now elated with joy as they can sense this is the end of the wicked child.
The child was trying to run but Edwards and Evian closed all the exit doors.
Jason said,"Your evil deeds cannot be pardoned and you must be wiped out for good"
Edwards said,"Do not waste your time Jason, finish it"
Edwards and Evian started cheering for Jason.
Jason looked in rage and started running and hit the destiny's child with a single blow from the sword"
The destiny's child started glowing and disintegrating.In no time it disintegrated.After that another door appeared and it opened.Jason and Edwards were expecting some evil fore to emerge.To their surprise it was a pink fairy.She was very beautiful.
The fairy said,"Bravo, you have completed the level-1.Your mission was not to annihilate the destiny's child but to free me.Since you are a brave man,I shall let you keep the sword of decoder as an instrument to battle any evil henceforth in this digital world.
Now your next mission is to complete level-2 which is to acquire a magical mirror called the mirror of fate.You need it use it defeat Myra,an evil sorceress.Your mission is to release message of love in this digital world.By her magic,Myra created a virtual barrier which which peace and love vanished from this world.On defeating her you shall be able to release the energy that will make this world look bright and beautiful and hence that will complete the mission. Myra has an army of wicked magicians and soldiers under her in her valley of unknown."
Edwards said,'What is that supposed to be?"
The fairy said,"The valley of unknown is where the castle of Myra is located.You need to move out of the castle and walk towards the purple mountain,pass by the village of the innocents and the city of the elephant men. Try and gather as much knowledge about the valley of unknown from them and march ahead with minimum fear. I wish all all the very best and prosperity"
After the the fairy bade goodbye and she disappeared.
Jason,Edwards and Evian walked out with castle with the sword of Decoder and marched towards purple mountain.
They must pass by village of the innocents and the city of the elephant men before reaching the valley of unknown where new adventures and challenges awaits them.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello rikkidas, Wolf here for a review.
First some nitpicks:
This part seems a little repetitive, since you repeat 'the cell' twice. Personally, I don't think the first one is nessecary since it is still understandable what you are trying to convey without it.
So some minor issues to point out here. I think the sentence would flow better if you put the tag at the end of a sentence. Also, even though the quotation mark shows the end of the dialogue, you still need a period to finish it off. Finally, what container? The text never said anything about Jason picking up a container.
So there are other little spots with a lot of repetition (for example: "At a point in the chamber the container containing...") and sometimes I will notice a random quotation mark instead of a period when there was no dialogue.
So some little technique things; I will see that this piece has a lot of sentences starting with pronouns. They to spice things up a bit, for it gets boring reading 'He did this. They do that. He went there.' See what I mean? I'm also not saying you can't do this at all, just try to do that less. And don't worry many people struggle with this, including me.
Finally I notice when the characters speak you only use the tag before the sentence, when it would better fit after, and you only use the word said. Try to expand your vocabulary to meet it interesting!
Overall this wa very interesting and unique. I love this idea and your writing shows a lot of potential! Keep working and you'll be fantabulous! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hi there rikkidas! Niteowl here to review for the Ultramarines this fine Review Day!
Destiny's Child was a famous girl group in the late 90's/00's, so most of your readers have at least heard of them and will probably make that association. I might consider "Child of Destiny" or even give it a name of some sort.
).
Now, I absolutely love how creative this is. It's this bizarrely awesome fusion of science fiction, fantasy and videogames. This is really action-packed and I think it would be a great movie.
There's also a lot of original ideas, which is great, but some of your names are a bit odd. When I read the description about "the Destiny's Child", I thought you were going to kill off Beyonce.
Another one I would highly recommend changing is the "golden water". A lot of people are going to think of urine when they read that. I would change the color of this liquid, perhaps to silver or a special shade of blue (like ultramarine
Evian's name was kind of weird, as that always makes me think of the expensive water, but I guess it is a legit name.
Jason and Edwards' reaction seems a little off to me. It seems more like little girls than brave adventurers. I might expect them to jump from the noise, especially if it's been quiet, but not crying or making faces.
One question: If Jason didn't know what the water was, why did he collect it? Also how did he sneak it into a prison cell? Perhaps that question is answered in prior chapters, but it seems odd to me.
Another question: How old is this "destiny's child"? He's described both as a baby and as a walking toddler.
One last quibble. Normally people put a space after a punctuation mark, so like this,not this. It makes things easier to read.
This seems like an interesting story. Keep writing!
You can get answers to many a question of yours in Episode 10