Our heroes who had an unpleasant conversation with Dr.Kirchoff had to indulge themselves in his crazy and fanatic idea and somehow found themselves to be a part of his conspiracy against the World Government.
Our heroes set out to undertake the journey from Articus Base 1 to Articus Base 2. Dr.Kirchoff provided them with a chip each that stores the map of the entire Articus City and fitted it in their cellular communication device.
One the way , Jason said , ”We had been warned by Mr.Stevens not to do anything which is considered illegal in the book of law. Oh shit, if we accomplish the task handed out to us by the crazy doctor , I see both of us in police custody soon once we reach surface world.”
Edwards replied,”How does it matter.We have a permit of five days now to stay at Articus. One day’s time will be wasted in our journey to Base 3. Remember Articus Base2 is a gigantic city and is a visitor’s paradise. Once our permit is exhausted ,we would be considered trespassers and would be forced to vacate.”
Jason said,”I am a bit concerned about Jane’s condition. I wonder what that nasty evil Kirchoff might have done to her.”
They walked for almost a mile when Jason caught sight of a sign-board welcoming them to the Articus Base2. The Articus Base2 was better than any metropolis on the surface world. It had tall skylines, technologically very advanced, very large shopping complexes which were better than surface malls, excellent medical treatment centers and filled with smart and good-looking people all around.
Edwards and Jason walked for another half a mile when Jason uttered that he was feeling hungry.
There was no restaurant or any hotel nearby.
Edwards asked a passerby,” Excuse me, it would be kind of you to let us know if there is any restaurant or inn nearby”.
Passerby replied,” Well I fear youngman that there isn’t any . Most of the top notch restaurants are situated in the center of the city which is around fifteen to twenty miles from this point but there is a very high profile casino here which is operated by Kevin Starks, who was a robber at Vegas and had set up a casino here. Thousands of people gather here who come from all the corners of Articus and the surface world. I have been there couple of times. I can tell you that you would find all sorts of alcoholic beverages with seafood, a pub and most importantly the grand casino where people are lured into making some quick money.”
Jason,” Thanks for the information. We would take over the situation from here on.”
Passerby said,” But beware Kevin Starks is not a honest person and will go to any extent to ensure no one leaves with a very large sum of fortune. You are not aware of his treacherous ways.”
Jason said,” Relax man, we have beaten the hell out of bad guys and we can repeat our performance again. Thanks for the information. Bye! Bye!”
Standing at the entrance of the casino Edwards said,” Wow! This looks so stunning. I am eager to earn some money.”
Jason said,” Let me have something to eat first. I am feeling hungry and glad we came out of that smelly laboratory. I think Articus is full of escaped criminals from our world.”
Jason ordered a cold beer and two glasses of rum. Meanwhile Edwards started playing and betting big and was winning money. They paid their bill with that money. As they were winning more games and earning more money they were quickly marching towards the grand prize of five hundred million Articus shells. They came in the notice of Mr. Kevin Starks. He was informed of the same by Miss Julie Fernandez, the secretary of Kevin Starks.
Miss Julie said,” Boss, the two surface dwellers are making quick money. They have been betting high and winning even higher. We must do something fast”
Kevin Starks said ,” Be Quiet Miss Julie. I am fully aware of it. But I am the creator of this casino and I am the undisputed champion of gambling. No one can vanquish me.”
Mr. Kevin Starks descended from his cabin and came in front of the two men.
Kevin Starks said with a cunning smile,” Hello surface dwellers. Very seldom do I get such an honor to be talking to such talented people who can make money in my casino that fast. I see that you have already made hundred million Articus shells and left with five more rounds before you make a total of five hundred million Articus shells. So let me offer you a deal which is hard to put down. How about we have a game of cards. If you beat me you would directly receive an amount of five hundred million Articus shells. Does not it sound interesting? So what do you say”.
Jason said,” Sounds fantastic. But if we lose”
Kevin Starks,” Well not much gentlemen,if you lose you will just have to beat me in a human simulated video game. That’s it and you can leave. This is the only term and condition. It is so simple”
Edwards whispered to Jason,”Why would he challenge us to a video game fight if we lose instead of asking us to pay him money. This sounds fishy. I doubt this man now. He has something up his sleeves.I am receiving negative vibes from this freak.”
Jason said ,” Relax Edwards. No risks ,no gain.”
Jason asked Mr.Kevin Starks to start the game.
Kevin Starks said,” Ok Mr.Jason ! It will be a match between you and me. You can seek for advice or any counsel from your friend Mr.Edward. I would be assisted by my very beautiful secretary Miss Julie Fernandez. Let the match begin”
Quickly Miss Julie distributed the cards equally between both parties. Mr.Kevin Starks send off a wicked smile glancing at his cards.
The match went halfway through and both the parties look in strong position. Neither of them was willing to give up.
Edwards said,” Jason, my friend I think we can earn victory and claim the prize of half a billion Articus shells. It would be a tight slap on the face of the rude and crude Mr.Owner Kevin.”
Kevin whispered to Julie Fernandez,” This is my world and my game. I cannot lose to an outsider. Lets use some old tricks from our dirty book of tricks. Miss Julie pull out some extra Aces and remove some low value cards from my pack quickly.”
Quickly Miss.Julie did whatever was asked of her and she managed to do it without attracting any attention.
At the end when final cards were revealed Mr.Kevin Starks emerged out a clear winner.
Kevin Starks said,” Ha Ha! I won like I always do. No surface dweller or Artician can beat me. There is only one undisputed leader of gambling and you are looking at him. Now I give you an opportunity to choose one out of two options . Either return all the money you earned here,put your tails between your legs and walk away with heads bowed down or defeat me in a video game in which I excel.”
Edwards said," Let us return the money and get the hell out of here. I do not want any more trouble.”
Jason said, ”Wait Edwards, let’s teach this greedy bastard that this time he messed up with a wrong guy.”
Jason spoke out loud,” Where we came from, we had been taught to be brave and courageous. I accept your challenge. It is time to kick some rich butt.”
Kevin Starks shouted,” We shall see you overconfident moron. We shall definitely see. Ha! Ha!”
Mr .Kevin Starks took them to a secret isolated chamber which had two glass chambers which had a helmet with wires and two uniforms with wires attached to transfer them to the virtual world of combat. Mr.Kevin Starks announced that he and Jason will go first. They will combat in a zombie-land match first.
Quickly Mr.Kevin and Jason got suited up in their gears and both were transmitted to zombie-land for a battle. The spectators were Edwards and Miss Julie Fernandez.
Jason and Kevin started battling. They exchanged punches and blows. Kevin was very good at offense but Jason’s defense was rock solid. He seemed less affected but Kevin seemed to tire down.But Miss Julie who knew the gaming system so well pressed a button on the controls that energized up Kevin and drove his energy levels to maximum. Ultimately ,Jason was defeated and Kevin jumped in joy.
Miss Julie spoke to Edwards,” Your friend lost to my boss Kevin Starks and he will not be able to come out of the system. However if you beat Mr.Kevin Starks in the next round of combat, you and your friend came go home safety.’
Edwards said ,”I don’t trust you bitch.”
Miss Julie said,” You have no choice. Anyways you lost your money as the money you won has been seized and are you saying that you are giving up your best friend?”
Edwards said,” Ok then put me in. I will put my boots to your boss’ ass.”
Then Edwards got transmitted to the zombie-land. Very cleverly Mr.Kevin Starks utilized all his energy and hit him with a very powerful blow on the back of his head. Edwards fell unconscious. Miss Julie Fernandez ejected Kevin Starks from the virtual world of gaming with Jason and Edwards both trapped within it. Mr.Kevin Starks lifted Miss Julie Fernandez to his luxurious cabin and who knows what happened in private in that room.
Can our heroes survive the zombie-land or will they fall victims to the unknown powers of the mystery world?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Rikki!
Returning to this series one last time to take a look at what is so far your final chapter.
As I said when I originally began reviewing this series, it seemed interesting to go through it all because the standard of your first chapter and this last chapter was quite polarizing. And it has been neat to see you improve as you wrote these.
Alright, I'll comment as I go through it:
Try changing the narrative from this into something that flows better.
You also began two sentences in a row with it. Mix it up.
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Does this guy have an insider track, or does everyone know they are being conned?
Huh? This sounds like the FBI taking over a situation from the local PD.
Their friend Jane is still captured, right? Why are none of them concerned? They seem more concerned about gambling and eating.
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Swapped these words.
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One thing you keep doing is using everybody full name all the time. Differentiate a bit and use other phrases. He took them to a secret chamber, she did what she was told et cetera.
That's pretty much what I'll cover in this chapter. It was a lot of writing to go through, but in the end it was quite rewarding to review this series.
The ending of this part actually takes a really interesting turn, as both our characters are trapped inside this virtual place. It turned very sci-fi.
Though you have a lot of work to do and improvements to make, you still write a lot. As I said in an earlier chapter, if you only wrote the entire thing properly, it would be a pretty neat piece.
Keep it up Rikki!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious review day!
Technical:
This could use some commas, and is an extremely long sentence. The "who had an unpleasant...Kirchoff" could use some commas separating it from the rest of the sentence. Otherwise it makes it sound like a run-on (even though it's not). And then when you transition with the "and somehow", I felt like that should have started a new sentence. As is, it feels like you're trying to say that entire sentence in one breath. (That's how it read.)
Okay, I could tolerate the "tell" of the previous quote because my mind said 'Eh, possible literary version of TV's "Previously on...", so okay.' (Side note: if that's what you're going for, I'd recommend italicizing.)
But two back to back "Our heroes..." feels extremely distant, not to mention the unintentional implication that you haven't said everything you wanted to say to get us 'back on track.' And it sound...cliche? trite?...maybe even a little cheesy to use that phrase period. You could easily substitute "the group" or even "they" when appropriate. Give us a little more relative closeness to the characters.
With "...provided them with a chip each...", I'd recommend moving the "each" in front of "them" and add an "of, so it reads "provided each of them with a chip."
Your dialogue is sort of shallow. The characters just don't feel very real. For example, how many people do you know that talk like "We had been warned by Mr.Stevens not to do anything which is considered illegal in the book of law."? That's perfect grammar, but I feel like there should be some contractions, maybe a "have" instead of "had". When you write like this, it comes across extremely formal, and the characters sound like they're reading a script, perhaps even with a mocking expression on their face. Make them a little more real. It's okay for characters to butcher the English language with their speech.
Also, watch your dialogue patters. Yous start every dialogue-containing paragraph with the speaker's name and then either "said" or "asked." Now, there's nothing wrong with using those words (and I like it when "said" isn't getting replaced every time it could be used), but if you don't give your writing a little variety, it starts to get monotonous.
On the same note, you start almost every paragraph with a character's name. If not, then it's the next word coming. (There are only four exceptions in this entire piece.)
And "Passerby" isn't a very good character tag. I'd give them a generic name, or at the very least change "Passerby" to something still descriptive, but not as a name tag. Even "The passerby" would work.
Well, that's enough to start the revision process. Hope this helps!
Alright, a few quick tips for the general writing style. First thing first, most of the time commas are put at the end of the last word, with a space after them, not before, like periods. In this section:
you have a lot of issues which I see continuing in your writing.'One the way' is a misspelling. simple fix. 'On the way'.
There should be a space between Mr. and Stevens.
"Book of law" sounds awkward in English. "....considered illegal in the legal books" or "...eyes of the law." would be more popular English phrases. There's also simply adding "book of the law." the to the sentence which could improve it. There's also "We had been" which is also awkward. "We were warned..." is closer to my vernacular.
Having him "see" them both in police custody as soon as they reach the world's surface sounds kind of like he has had a premonition. You could use other phrasing to make it less awkward, such as "We will probably be..." or "I can bet we will be..."
The use of soon and once right next to one another also is very awkward in the written word. Limit it down to one: "as soon as we are...", or "once we are...".
Overall this reads sort of like a game more than a story with the characters going through the motions and having cut scenes explain the plot, which isn't a bad thing, or a good thing, it's just something I've observed. If you want it one way or another, that's up to you to decide. If you want to go more book, and less game, try adding more descriptive language to your writing. Instead of saying very technological, describe the weird sounds and strange look of things. Give things color and shape.
Is this the only paragraph which is a cause of concern for you?
No, but I feel that with the example you should be able to expound the issues I've pointed out and apply them to the other instances. If you'd like me to go through and add the other spots in particular I can. Just tell me what you would like me to do.
haha I love it! creative
Thanks, do read other chapters