Previously, our heroes were attacked by a Giant Squid.
The squid damaged the outer glass-fiber structure of the Gallian pipe. A hole was created inside the pipe and so the entire pipe structure was de-attached.
In the mean time Edwards summoned the Bubblemarine which was a last hope of their safety.
The two men were under the ocean dressed in their ocean suits. The temperature down there was pretty low. They started attacking the giant squid which laser blasters in hydro-mode.The attack did not bother the squid much as it was aggressively approaching towards Jason and Edwards.
Suddenly they noticed an object approaching towards them.It was getting brighter and brighter.
Jason: Hey Edwards, look up. Something is approaching towards us at high speed.
What is it?
Edwards: I am receiving a strong signal in my BubbleCommander device. I think it is Bubblemarine. The bright objects are actually the headlights of the machine. I think we shall be safe soon.
Jason: Lets enter the Bubblemarine from the top very cautiously. Let us not allow any water to run into its interiors.
Edwards: You are right. Here it comes.
Edwards pressed a button in his BubbleCommander device and the Bubblemarine stopped and its
top entrance opened so that our heroes can enter.
Both entered into the device.Edwards was in pilot's seat and Jason was sitting beside him.
Jason took charge of the weapon controls of the Bubblemarine. Edwards was responsible for navigationof the Bubblemarine.
Edwards: I am switching connection mode from auto-pilot to manual. It is in my hands now.
Jason: I am targetting this giant menace. I am waiting it to be closer such that it is in my range and I can hit it with my best shot.
Edwards: I am navigating the Bubblemarine closer to the squid. I know it is risky but the monster spoiled my mood. I t has to pay for it.
Jason: Right Bro, I can lock it now. I am firing a blaster torpedo.
In 5..4..3..2..1 . I launched it.
The torpedo did not have much affect on the squid.The squid was abnormal one mainly due to mutation but biological waste dumped under the sea. It make the squid more angry.
It attacked the Bubblemarine with its tentacles. Jason started firing hydro adaptable bullets . The squid screamed. It swam away but was again approaching towards them for another attack.
Edwards: We do not have much weapons left. This Bubblemarine is not a combat submarine, it
was designed for deep sea navigation.
Jason: Its put up or shut up time. The last weapon we have is the balastic net with electro-shocker.Let me use this with more power. If I am not wrong this attack will paralyze the sea beast.
When the Squid approached nearer, Jason fired the ballistic net and the squid got trapped.
Now he activated the electro-shocker and started sending strong currents throughout the net.
It did not have much affect on the squid.
Edwards: Oops, Jason this squid is not giving up. Do something.
Jason: I am increasing the intensity of the elctro-shock. The elctro-shocker is not producing enough voltage to paralyze the squid. I am bypassing the connection from the electro-shocker to the main battery of the machine. It will produce close to five thousand volts enough to paralyze giants.
The trick worked and the squid was paralyzed by such a high voltage shock but at a cost.
The battery of the Bubblemarine was drained and only fifteen percent was remaining.
Edwards shouted in excitement,"Black Hawk down".
Edwards: Your last attack costed us much of our energy. We can utilize our remaining energy to travel till Articus main entrance.
As they reached near Articus, they found the entrance door locked.
Jason: Victor, why is the Articus main entrance locked. I am trying to ping the Articus base administrtors to open the dor yet no reply.
Victor(on radio): Yes, I know Jason. The door is locked due to emergency. It has attained a sudden death-lock. Since the Gallian pipe was withdrawn forcefully, the entrance gate will open on connection of another Gallian pipe.
Jason: The Gallian pipe was damaged and will take several days to be repaired . I do not have that much time. Any alternative solution?
Victor: The solution I am going to tell you will require all your coding expertise along with the knowledge of Edwards, Victor and the technical administrators at Articus base.You need to decode the death-lock of the Articus base using Hybrid proc language along with error detection and death-lock release.It is not so easy.
Jason: We do not have so much time. Our batteries are drained to such an extent that the Bubblemarine has only fifteen percent energy left.
Victor: This is not a pleasant news, my friend. It looks like we need to initiate forceful release of death-lock through programming.I am praying to Almighty that this works otherwise you do not have enough energy to come back to surface. You can only travel to Articus base and recharge the submarine cell's.
Jason: Need to start programming right away.
Edwards: We are now in a battle of codes and logic. Let's win this one too.
What will our heroes do. Can they decode the code.Find out in our next episode.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Rikki!
This could use some more explanation. No idea how this pipe works or what is going on.Back for Chapter seven and part two of the voyage.
Just like before, I won't mention every recurring error and I'll be heading straight into it:
Okay, like in the previous chapter you continue using little to no scene descriptions and write dialogue wrong. But I guess the story is still exciting. Though some of this technology could use some explainations.
Alright:
They were already wearing their suits.
Edit
As with so many other things within the story, nearly everything. This needs some scene descriptions. Suddenly they are in this vehicle, how do we picture this? Show, don't tell.
Edit
Edit
Does Edwards have a death wish? Geez.
I'll try writing a quick suggestion of how to write this:
Jason fiddled with the buttons in front of him, several of them lighting up as he pushed them. From the view of the window, he could make out the gigantic shape of the monster rushing towards them again. Seconds before it enveloped them whole, two missiles were launched from the small vehicle and hit the creature head on, sending it crushing backwards away from them.
This is a quick expansion to a single one of your sentences. Your story is pretty long and interesting, imagine how good it would be if you wrote it properly.
Edit
Again using small choppy senteces. Recurring often, just as with run on sentences. Also, the squid screamed? No.
Edit
Why would he shout in excitement when he seems aggresive towards Jason right after this?
Edit
Yeah, not easy. This is hard to understand.
Suggestion
Alright, that's also it for Chapter six. I'll move on to the last chapters soon.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Timmyjake here to write you a short review!!
Ok, very first thing I noticed was how you have your characters talk.
[quote] Jason: Need to start programming right away. [quote]
At the end, you mention episode. Is it a screen play? If it is, then I can understand the weird way for your character talking. If not, then I think you need to make it more of a story. Jason said. Edward exclaimed, etc...
The thing lacking in this is thought. Is detail. I want to have a vivid picture of what is happening, and I can't have that, unless you give me a description. Having the character say it helps, but doesn't do it justice in my opinion.
Of course, if this is a screenplay, then everything I have just mentioned doesn't come into play, but I hope it was helpful.
All in all, I enjoyed this a lot! Those were just my little nitpicks. Keep writing!!
~Timmyjake
Please read all episodes, may be it helps you understanding with a bit more clearity.
Will do! Sorry!
Hey Rikk!
Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble
I was riding on the autobus the other day and saw a temporarily displaced citizen digging through the industrial garbage disposal bins. Or rather, I was on the bus and saw a hobo rummaging through a big bin.
In my head I imagine after a while 'I am receiving a strong signal in my BubbleCommander device. I think it is Bubblemarine...' would turn into something like 'I am receiving a strong signal in my B-com, I think it is Marine...' or something like that. It seems strange to always use the longer words, because we tend to naturally shorten them.
Direction and indication
You need a bit more formatting on this. It's hard to read because the only difference between action and dialogue is the character name. Even something small like putting the action in brackets or using a hyphen before speech will make it clearer.
Plot
I really, really like the plot! I'm a huge fan of episodic fiction anyway. There's a lot going on and the structure is well done, with the build up and the climax being perfectly timed.
Overall
I would say the ideas behind this are good! But you have to remember that when you put it out for others to read they're not going to see it in the same way you do, so you have to take more care making it easy to read- especially with a style like yours.
Keep writing, I expect more good things from you =]