In the near future, year 3000 A.D ,though it may not be claimed as the age of 'RISE OF MACHINES' but technologically far developed. Our story rolls back to Jason, the main protagonist , who was working as a Chief Operating scientist at CLIMAX Labs, New York City.
(Fictitious lab, in this prose depicted as successor of NASA and highly advanced). The human's need to explore the extra-terrestrial saw no stones left unturned. Jason's close friend was edward, who assisted him in his frankestien type experiments..sounds intersting.
Jason: Edwards, how is it going, lets test if the VENUS probe can be propelled towards mars,
many super earths being discovered, but in far away solar systems, diificult to reach buddy.
Edward: Yeah jason, i am aware of that, i was running a probe program to discover a worm-hole which was reported to exist,didnot catch sight of any.
Jason: its hard to find buddy, after under water city, complete outer space colonisation may be the next big thing. The closest habitable planet looks to be mars.
Edward; the red planet sure looks promising, but i think a part of it is artificially colonised by cyborgs. Humans could stay but only for a few weeks, lets work out to get rid of that limitation.
Jason: Why don't we visit the underwater city of Arcticus(in Arctic ocean).The gallian pipe
is certain to take us to that depth.(Gallian pipe is a long extendible pipe with elevator system ,designed for deep sea connectivity)
Edward: yeah , that is what i was talking about. The 11th wonder of the world is a truly scientific phenomenon. Heard ,nightlife is great in there, so lets plan our weekend.
we may eventually have a bash, haha (laughed out loud).
Its being long, i haven't met my cousin, Jane(female protagonist), i wonder she might be busy with extending the artificial life support system throughout the Arcticus.
Jason: wow, she must be wonderful(blused a bit).
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Rikki!
First off, a somewhat belated welcome to YWS. I hope you've found yourself at home here.
Now, I obviously missed this and all your other chapters when you posted them, but today, I noticed a work of yours. You published your 9th chapter today, and I read it and thought it was decent. Then I returned to read through the rest of your chapters, and I marveled at how much you have improved since publishing this first chapter.
So I though I would review all your chapters, as I keep up with the progress of your writing, as well as your story. I take my time when I review works, so don't expect them all quickly.
Now, you open this first chapter by giving an introduction to your story and if you want to include that in it, that is, to an extent, fine. However, you should seperate and change it from the format of the rest of the writing. I'll include a suggestion below.
When writing dialogue, always present them in quoatation marks. Write more scene descriptions and explain more of what is going on, to go along with the dialogue. Include character descriptions, how they look like, what their personalities are and what they are doing, other than talking to each other.
The year 3000 seems rather far off, instead of near future.
It would be better if you just wrote this without the brackets. Though you can use brackets, I'd avoid it. I really dislike it, and it's hard to use them without distracting the reader.
There are also a few problems with your line spacing, and there are some grammatical errors here and there.
I'll finish with a suggestion on how to clear it up.
After the introduction, you only use dialogue, so I'll add little, if any at all.
Suggestion
Spoiler
In the story, CLIMAX Labs is the successor to NASA, and mankind’s need to explore the extraterrestrial has greatly heightened. We join Jason as he is conducting experiments with his close friend, Edward.
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Jason entered the lab he shared with Edward, finding him there, sitting by a computer.
“Edward, how is it going? How about we test if the VENUS probe can be propelled towards Mars. With many super earths being discovered, though in far off solar systems, they’ll be difficult to reach, buddy.” He sat down next to him.
“Yeah Jason, I’m aware of that. I was running a probe program to discover a wormhole which was reported to exist, but I didn’t catch any sight of any.” He shifted on his chair towards Jason, gesturing with his hands.
“It’s hard to find, buddy. After underwater cities, complete outer space colonization may be the next big step. Our closest habitable planet looks to be Mars.”
“The red planet sure looks promising, but I think a part of it would be artificially colonized by cyborgs. Humans could stay but only for a few weeks, although our work could get rid of that limitation.”
Jason stood up. “Why don’t we visit the underwater city Arcticus? The gallian pipe is certain to take us to that depth.”
Beside him, Edward quickly gathered a few stacks of papers from the desk. “Yeah, that is what I was talking about. The 11th wonder of the world is a truly scientific phenomenon. I heard the nightlife there is great, so let’s plan our weekend. We might even have quite a bash.”
They both chuckled.
“It’s been a long time since I met my cousin, Jane. She’s been busy extending the artificial life support system throughout Arcticus, and I wonder how her work is going.”
Jason was slightly blushing, “Oh yeah, Jane. I always thought she was wonderful.”
Though this chapter is extremely short and has a lot of major issues, it still has some interesting science fiction ideas. Colonization, both underwater and in space are very interesting.
Initially I didn't get the title of your story, as I couldn't picture Jason and Edward 'honeymooning' on Mars. But I realize now that Jason and Jane is obviously the endgame here.
Lastly, as I said, I'm checking your works out because it was such a contrast between the quality in before and later chapters. An interesting development. Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Good Afternoon! I'm here to review for the Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto this fine review day! Yes, that really is our name
I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you. I tend to get muddled up otherwise
Here goes!
1. There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes in your opening paragraphs but that can be easily fixed by going through your work with a fine tooth comb
2. I'm not really sure what layout this is supposed to be?! Radio play? Movie script? You need to outline exactly where you are going with this and define it for us too.
3. I like where you're trying to take this. It has bags of potential as I haven't really seen anything spacey on here for a while!
4. Remember that the first chapter/episode is what NEEDS to DRAG and HOLD your reader in! There needs to be a special something to make us want to read more. Give us something to sink our teeth into.
Good luck and do not give up! I look forward to reading some more of your work soon
Olive <3
Hm, I don't have anything prepared for a deluge like this so I will just go with the flow I guess, this seems set as a stage play but expresses itself more like a radio play. Which is rather interesting but, sorry to say falls flat. Cliché is what I would phrase a few of these things sadly, not to say that is a bad thing, they are cliché because ultimately a lot of people like them, but this is so short and spends so much time explaining these clichés that it just sort-of.....drifts about in a monotone in my head.
Spelling and grammar, granted what I am writing now is probably littered with errors, but this, needs a lot of fixing up so much that I think just running it through a spell check is the best solution.
Hm, you need to rework this. First I need to ask you, what is the goal, where are they going, what are they doing? When you answer try to imply as much as you can without directly saying, see how much information you can give without exposition.
Then I need you to remove every () in this and try to think of a way to describe the event in a meaningful way, or as a simple addition. Like replacing (laughed out loud) with "We may eventually have a bash" Edward said, laughing.
I am trying to be honest as possible thus, I have to say, re-work, this can't really stand as it is, as a play you need to describe every movement, twitch, and proper, as a radio play movement would not matter, as a story this is as far removed from a short story as you can get and still call it a story without clear movement and narrative.
Hoped I help, and sorry but I am being as helpful and honest as I can be. Re-work this and I am sure you can create something amazing in that brain of yours, paint a world for the readers to gaze at.
Hello there, here for a review.
Well, let me start by saying that I was not expecting it to be written in this format. Instead of it being a story, you made it some kind of theater scene or movie scene, which I find interesting. Also, I was interested in how you described life in a millennium, and the kind of technology and population (like the cyborgs) that there will be.
However I find that this story has a lot of mistakes, and it seems to me that you didn't spend any time rereading or correcting yourself, so I will do it for you. First of all, "i" is always capitalized (when your first-person narrator is talking about himself). Also, proper nouns are always capitalized as well, so you should capitalize the names "Jason", "Edward", and other names that don't have to be people's like "the Gallian Pipe".
Also, since the story is practically a dialogue and only the beginning is a description, you could do something to differentiate them like putting the first part in italics. Apart from that there are only a few spelling and grammatical mistakes that need to be fixed but your story has a lot of potential and I am looking forward to reading the continuation.
I hope this helped! Good job and keep on writing.
-Alfonso