Hey Rikki!
Soon done now, we're at Chapter eight. And after this many chapters, your format is finally starting to take form. The dialogue is written decently, the pacing is better and there are no line breaks anywhere. Fantastic! I know you don't go back on this in your last chapter, so I hope this stuck. You've come a long way from your first chapter.
However, this is still riddled with problems though. Not an excess of grammatical errors anymore, but rather plot elements. Hopefully I won't have to break out my red pen too often.
I'll comment as I go along:
Well, I guess the first thing I should comment on is the picture. While including a picture can give a good view of how you want the location to look, I personally don't like it.
In this case, including this specific photo also made me realize that this entire story is a Bioshock ripoff. The photo is even from Bioshock!
Anyhow, I guess using Rapture as a backdrop for a story is at least interesting. I'm just hoping for some originality after this.
Moving on:
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Shortly after, they were welcomed by the Base security force.
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They seemed to suspect the two men as intruders
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Quotation marks! Looks so much better already.“Who are you? Are you guys spies from the surface world?”, asked one of the guards.
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Past, present tense.One of the guards says that he thinks the two men are spies from the surface world
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and wavered their IDs.
Well that escalated quickly.As they were marching through the roads of Articus, a strange pack of men caught them. They beat them down and kidnapped them.
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As a doctor myself (Dr. Birkhoff) I can relate to this crazy guy and his awesome name.Actually, it was the laboratory ofacrazy scientist Dr. Zan Kirchoff.
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The goons kicked both menand threw themout of the vehicle.
Suggestion
said Dr.Kirchoff, his face curled up in a cunning smile.
He explained that the undiscovered city of Articus
Undiscovered? But everyone outside of Articus is talking about it.
Base2- which serves more of a tourist attraction
A tourist attraction? How can there be a tourist attraction when it's so damn secret?!
Kirchoff had no idea that these guys were coming, right? So how could he prepare a video recording of her to persuede these specific people to help him, before even knowing they were the right men for the 'job'?He showed them a footage that Jane is trapped within a chamber and it seemed that she needed help.
He said that he would like them to steal Plutonium
Whoa Doc, do you mean to tell me this sucker is nuclear?!
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Jason toldthatthe doctor that he is a fanatic and a bastard
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and eventually kill Jane if they did not cooperate.
footage that was shown to them was from a DVD
If you want your story to be more timeless and futuristic, try to not reference specific brands. So instead of DVD, just say video footage or something similar.
Alright, that was the eight Chapter. This was a lot better than all your other chapters. Your writing has improved a lot and its easier to follow the story.
I'll be back for the final chapter soon. Fahrvergnügen
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
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