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Honeymoon in Mars-Episode8(The conspiracy at Articus Base 1)

by rikkidas


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Jason and Edwards seemed relaxed after stepping on Articus Base.

Shortly they were welcomed by the Base security force.They seemed to doubt the two men as intruders and treated it as a part of security breach.

One of the guards questioned them as to how they managed to connect the Gallian system to the the entrance base as it was reported earlier that the Gallian pipe was damaged by a sudden attack by a mutated giant squid.

“Who are you? Are you guys spy from the surface world?”, said one of the guards.

They took out their weapon and asked the two men to put their hands behind their head and follow them.They took Jason and Edwards to the Chief Security Officer’s building.

One of the guards said that he thinks the two men are spy from the surface world and established a forceful connection of the Gallian system to the Articus Base.

“Silent!”, screamed officer Ingram.

“I wish to see your letter of permit to visit the Articus city”, said CSO Ingram.

Jason told what their names were and added that they obtained letter of permit from the Governor of Global Sea Operation,Mr. Stevens and mentioned their IDs.

Mr.Ingram checked those and verified them to be authentic. He told that they must follow all rules and regulations of the city and that their permit was for seven days only and they are left with only five days now.He ordered the guards to release them and let them go.

Edwards thanked Mr. Ingram, picked up his backpack and left the building after that.

Jason whispered that the CSO was indeed an asshole. Edwards asked Jason to be quiet.

As they were marching through the roads of Articus, a strange pack of men caught them. They beat them down and kidnapped them. They put the two men in their vehicle and drove off to a strange building somewhere in the outskirts of the city.

Actually, it was the laboratory of a crazy scientist Dr. Zan Kirchoff.

The goons kicked both men and threw them out of the vehicle.

“Welcome, surface dwellers”,said Dr.Kirchoff with a cunning smile.

He told that they are hold under his custody at the Articus Base 1 . He explained that the undiscovered city of Articus is larger than they thought it was. It has three divisions- Base1 which is visitor’s base, Base2- which serves more of a tourist attraction with a very rich facility and Base3, which is the core of science and technology in Articus.

“I was really amazed to see how both of you established a forceful Gallian connection which I believe no ordinary man could do and it serves as an evidence that you are a perfect fit for this mission”, said Dr.Zan Kirchoff.

Edwards quickly remembered who the crazy scientist was and told Jason that he was a fanatic. He was kicked out of New York science academy where he worked as senior professor for his crazy and destructive experiments. He mentioned that Jane ,his cousin was also a student of that institute when she was pursuing her post graduation in Hydrology and Genetics.

“Ahh, Miss.Jane Stewart! I must admit she had a bright mind. She even assisted me in my work at Articus.Perhaps she believed that whatever I was doing was for the benefit of humans living in this city until the day she got to knew my true intentions, poor lady.Since then she went missing”,said Dr.Kirchoff.

“What did you do to her”,screamed Edwards.

“Calm down gentleman, I know where she is”, said Dr.Kirchoff.

He showed them a footage that Jane is trapped within a chamber and it seemed that she needed help.

“Let go off her,you crazy son of a bitch”, shouted Jason.

Dr.Kirchoff said that he had no personal issues either with any one of them nor with Jane.He is ready to release Jane if they help him in his mission. He said that he would like them to steal Plutonium from Articus Base3 and deliver them to him in good condition or else they may not even get close to meet Jane again.

“Why do you want those”, asked Edwards.

Dr.Kirchoff explained that he demanded a huge sum of money from the United Nations but he was turned down as his ideas were received to be irrational by the Council. He threatened to melt the glaciers and sink the surface world but he would require huge energy for that and hence he want the two of them to fulfill his needs.

Jason told that the doctor is a fanatic and a bastard and they would never be a part of his murderous mission which would put the lives of millions of surface dwellers at stake.

Dr.Kirchoff threatened to torture and eventually kill Jane if they did not co-operate.

“Calm down Jason, let us help this freak. Do we have any options? I fear we don’t”, said Edwards.

Dr.Kirchoff said that Articus Base3 is a scientific innovation and development facility at the Articus. It supplies unlimited power to the entire city. No ordinary humans are permitted within the territory of Base3 and hence you will have to disguise as Chief power engineers from the surface world who came there to enhance power production at the Base. Dr.Kirchoff added that they have only five days left in their permit and must accomplish their task within three days. His men will escort them to the border of the Base1 and they must travel to Base3 through Base2. Travelling through Base2 will take them around a day as the place is meant for tourists and very vast. He instructed that once they steal the plutonium they must reach Base1 bypassing base2 by special Articus Interbase metro system. He wished them the very best for this task.

“How can we be assured that once you get your hands on the plutonium, Jane will be released”,asked Jason.

Dr.Kirchoff explained that the footage that was shown to them was from a DVD he played which contains all the information regarding the whereabouts of Jane. He showed them only a quarter of the entire footage. He assured that once he gets the plutonium he wanted, he would hand over the DVD to Jason.

Dr.Zan Kirchoff’s goons escorted them to the border of Articus and now our heroes must undertake a unwanted journey to do something they never ever dreamed of doing.


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212 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:14 pm
birk wrote a review...



Hey Rikki!

Soon done now, we're at Chapter eight. And after this many chapters, your format is finally starting to take form. The dialogue is written decently, the pacing is better and there are no line breaks anywhere. Fantastic! I know you don't go back on this in your last chapter, so I hope this stuck. You've come a long way from your first chapter.

However, this is still riddled with problems though. Not an excess of grammatical errors anymore, but rather plot elements. Hopefully I won't have to break out my red pen too often.

I'll comment as I go along:

Well, I guess the first thing I should comment on is the picture. While including a picture can give a good view of how you want the location to look, I personally don't like it.

In this case, including this specific photo also made me realize that this entire story is a Bioshock ripoff. The photo is even from Bioshock!

Anyhow, I guess using Rapture as a backdrop for a story is at least interesting. I'm just hoping for some originality after this.

Moving on:

Edit

Shortly after, they were welcomed by the Base security force.


Edit
They seemed to suspect the two men as intruders


Edit
“Who are you? Are you guys spies from the surface world?”, asked one of the guards.
Quotation marks! Looks so much better already.

Edit
One of the guards says that he thinks the two men are spies from the surface world
Past, present tense.

Edit
and wavered their IDs.


As they were marching through the roads of Articus, a strange pack of men caught them. They beat them down and kidnapped them.
Well that escalated quickly.

Edit
Actually, it was the laboratory of a crazy scientist Dr. Zan Kirchoff.
As a doctor myself (Dr. Birkhoff) I can relate to this crazy guy and his awesome name.

Edit
The goons kicked both men and threw them out of the vehicle.


Suggestion
said Dr.Kirchoff, his face curled up in a cunning smile.


He explained that the undiscovered city of Articus

Undiscovered? But everyone outside of Articus is talking about it.

Base2- which serves more of a tourist attraction

A tourist attraction? How can there be a tourist attraction when it's so damn secret?!

He showed them a footage that Jane is trapped within a chamber and it seemed that she needed help.
Kirchoff had no idea that these guys were coming, right? So how could he prepare a video recording of her to persuede these specific people to help him, before even knowing they were the right men for the 'job'?

He said that he would like them to steal Plutonium

Whoa Doc, do you mean to tell me this sucker is nuclear?!

Edit
Jason told that the doctor that he is a fanatic and a bastard


Edit
and eventually kill Jane if they did not cooperate.


footage that was shown to them was from a DVD

If you want your story to be more timeless and futuristic, try to not reference specific brands. So instead of DVD, just say video footage or something similar.

Alright, that was the eight Chapter. This was a lot better than all your other chapters. Your writing has improved a lot and its easier to follow the story.

I'll be back for the final chapter soon. Fahrvergnügen

Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff




rikkidas says...


Thanks Birkhoff for reviewing the entire series and taking so much pain, I knew the writing was not upto the standards that you were expecting but I am not a professional writer. It is just my hobby. I agree with your honest reviews and look forward to improving myself and hone my skills, but in one of the reviews you mentioned that I didnot knew coding which I cannot agree upon and considered that statement as your act of igronance.



birk says...


Well, we're all here to learn, buddy.

That was real coding? Huh, I guess I am a bit ignorant ;)
I don't know coding at all.

Still, the reader has no interest in extensive coding during any fiction.



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:00 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey there, rikkidas~
I've reviewed one of your chapters, but I don't think it's the most recent, so forgive me if I get confused.

One of the guards said that he thinks the two men are spy from the surface world and established a forceful connection of the Gallian system to the Articus Base.

Be careful about your tenses. Even in this one sentence it changes. To fix this one instance, change thinks to thought, but if one has tense issues, it's normally a problem throughout the piece. That's just the nature of the beast, so a in depth read through should iron that out for you.
Also, I'm wondering with Roach why you didn't just let the guard say what he thinks instead of narrating.

Jason whispered that the CSO was indeed an asshole. Edwards asked Jason to be quiet

This made me smile, but it could really be funny if you added some actions with the dialogue here.

As they were marching through the roads of Articus, a strange pack of men caught them. They beat them down and kidnapped them. They put the two men in their vehicle and drove off to a strange building somewhere in the outskirts of the city.

These two can't catch a break, can they?
It's a little strange that they were kidnapped with no provocation though. Perhaps you can make a reason for them to be targeted?

He mentioned that Jane ,his cousin was also a student of that institute when she was pursuing her post graduation in Hydrology and Genetics.

This seems a little unbelievable because it's almost like he's making small talk. Perhaps add some dialogue leading up to this to give it a little more context.

Dr.Kirchoff added that they have only five days left in their permit and must accomplish their task within three days

They're already doing something illegal. What does the permit matter?

He assured that once he gets the plutonium he wanted, he would hand over the DVD to Jason

How does a DVD help them?

So, I have to agree with Roach. This chapter is greatly improved from the last one I reviewed! I'm really impressed. I'm loving the cliffhanger you had at the end. It makes me want to jump to the next chapter!

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me.
Keep writing,
Megs~




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Thu Dec 26, 2013 8:34 am
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RoachRedford! wrote a review...



Hey there, I definitely think this is a massive improvement in style compared to the pieces that precede this one in this series. It's much more pleasing to read and flows way better, bravo! There's a few things I want to touch on that would really bring this piece up to scratch.

You are still tending to info-dump. By that I mean you have written these paragraphs like the ones in which you explain where you explain things about Dr. Kirchoff and where you detail the layout of the city. This piece is short, especially for a chapter, it has plenty of room to elaborate in more descriptive detail what you wish to convey to the audience.

There's also still a very strange quirk to the way you write dialogue. This piece is much easier to follow than the one I reviewed previously, but there is still a problem with the flow of speech in the piece. When you include direct speech, read over it like you're acting out a script. If you find that the words you've written don't really match up with the way people would normally talk, try to find a way that sounds natural. I would recommend reviewing the structure of your direct speech in this piece. Also, there is a lot of passive speech in this segment of the story. For instance;

Dr.Kirchoff said that he had no personal issues either with any one of them nor with Jane.He is ready to release Jane if they help him in his mission. He said that he would like them to steal Plutonium from Articus Base3 and deliver those of them in good condition or else they may not even get close to meet Jane again.


Why have you decided to tell the reader what the doctor is saying, as opposed to having him actually say it? There is so much room for description when it comes to the meeting with Dr. Kirchoff, the piece would only benefit from having direct speech in most of the places where you have chosen passive speech.

A last point. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the saying, "That escalated quickly!" but I found myself thinking it a lot throughout your piece. The guards question the validity of the protagonists' visit and then a second later draw weapons on them. Also, twice in the piece you mention people 'screaming' and 'shouting' right off the bat when conversations begin. The two main characters are also bashed with little to no warning or explanation of what happens. I think these are all good examples of your eagerness to inject action into the piece, but it needs to make sense and crescendo before falling away, as opposed to just being there as an isolated and elevated level of intensity.

It's super impressive to see such an improvement between two pieces of writing, and you should be proud because this chapter engaged me far more than any of your others. If I could sum up all my advice it would be to be more descriptive. This chapter is short and would benefit greatly from expansion. I feel like you rushed through what should have been an amazing first look at Articus because you're keen to get to the action. So are your readers, but they want to see the world around the action too!

Keep on writing.




rikkidas says...


ok,thanks




"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour