As our heroes were stepping up to undertake an never in the lifetime voyage, the weather in the beautiful city of Miami just got terrible, it was around 7:30 P.M in the evening. The sky just got darker and darker. Wind started blowing at high speeds accompanied by severe thunder and lightening. It was the commencement of a horrible thunderstorm.
There was an instance of a short power-cut . It probably might be due to the fact that one of the power cables from the city power-station broke off . Fortunately, the back-up system was utilised to power up the Techno-Base.
"It is dangerous for both of you to commence your journey now, the journey time is approx 35 minutes to anything goes wrong with the back up power supply,I fear you would be stuck in the Gallian elevator midway in the oceans", uttered Victor.
Victor showed signs of concern for the youngmen.
Jason quoted,"Already,we are late. It seems the time we have before midnight is going to go waste. Stupid weather!!!"
"I think what Victor said is right",said Edwards. He further added that it was not worth taking more risks and that they should start in the morning.
Meanwhile, Victor happily arranged something for dinner for the two men.
He brought roasted lamb, king crabs, prawns and large bottles of alcoholic drinks.
Jason looked upset, more so because it has delayed his meeting with Jane, and not much because of Articus.
Jason looked like he was going to consume all alcohol in agony.
Edwards and Victor started tasting the lambs,crabs and prawns.
Jason was sipping glasses of beer and rum, one after the other.
"Stop it Jason,you will ruin your health", uttered Victor.
Edwards said that Victor was perhaps right.
Edwards yelled,"Don't behave like a spoiled brat,Jason. Eat something,buddy. Do not consume too much of those hard drinks. You have no idea what are you doing,friend".
Jason looked drunk and Victor advised him to go to sleep in the resting chamber at the Techno-Base. Jason started yelling dirty slang words to both men.
Then,he looked sleepy and before going to take a nap, he uttered a stupid poetry which expressed his feelings more than anything.
We are in the wonderful city of Miami,
Everything is so pleasant and nothing seems uncanny.
We made so far cruising through in the Exosphere vessel,
The folks here are so kind and friendly,and none so stupid to wrestle.
We are at Techno-Base,no wonder this is the hub of technology,
Its wonderful to imagine how much we advanced in scientific chronology.
Oh! for sure I loved the city girls with glossy lips,
I fell head over heels for those with admirable slender hips.
One day I shall definitely travel to mars,
But right now, I shall enjoy my rides on flying cars.
I was a musician with my favourite instrument as Guitar,
I wished someday I could be a star,
But now I am cool and calm, filled my mouth with a Cigar.
It was then when I was in Newyork,
I dranked a lot and feasted on roasted pork.
I was energetic, raced away with my vehicles at high gears,
Enjoyed the city music which soothed my ears.
Travelling underwater should be a whole lot of fun,
What has been done cannot be undone.
We walked through the heat of the sun and forgot to take our gun,
When we put in our underwater gear and boots on, we are ready to run.
We are in a world which evolved tremendously after invention of Abacus,
Henceforth, we are in a mission and should not lose our focus,
Lets cheers buddy, finally we are travelling to Articus.
Then, Jason fell asleep. Victor and Edwards helped him to the resting chamber.
Soon after that Edwards too felt asleep. The temperature inside the room was perfectly conditioned such that the two men slept peacefully.
Victor said,"Good Night, Sweet Dreams."
We are waiting for the next day to see if our heroes can really undertake their journey without any more glitches.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Rikki!
Continuing where I left off at chapter three, and I can already tell that chapter four is quite an improvement.
In this chapter you have finally shed your old way of writing dialogue and have adopted the usual style. This is a vast improvement. Everything already looks more clean and neat.
However, there are still a bunch of issues you need to work out. All the sentences are still very choppy, the dialogue itself doesn't feel real and in this specific chapter there is a poem which takes up more then half of the lenght, halting any progress to the story even further.
Still, the piece looks a lot better and neat now, which makes it easier to review.
I'll comment as I go along:
Edit
Edit
F
Edit
Tricky one, but this is British rather than American grammar.
Try spelling out the numbers instead of writing them down bluntly. Anywho, this is finally some decent looking dialogue. It is a lot easier to read.
Edit
There are many places where you forget a space between words. A simple proofreading will remove many of these.
Edit
This entire scene reads very weird. It doesn't feel natural, is overly dramatic and is more funny than it is dramatic. It reminds me, and this line in particular, of cult movie 'The Room'. Very hokey dialogue and unnatural feel to it all.
I'm not going to comment on the poem he utters itself, but I am going to say it is really weird, and extremely funny. Not sure if that was intentional.
All capital letters, why?
Okay, and that's it for chapter four. It is a big improvement from the previous chapters and I'm going to assume it's going to get even better from here on.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
This seams like a play do to the way they are speaking. It needs some editing. Let's look at some nitpicks shall we?
1. 'He uttered a stupid poetry'
Don't you mean he utter a stupid poem? Stupid poetry doesn't sound right in this term.
2. 'Edwards too felt asleep'
There is two mistakes there. The first mistake I keep noticing. You said 'Edwards' when it should be 'Edward'. The second is 'felt'. Surely you mean 'fell' right?
3. Some commas have no spacing between the words. Quick fix. Also period don't need to be spaced out from last word, just the first word of the next sentence.
4. In contrary to your spaced out punctuation, you have the period too close for comfort on some of them. I know I said not to space that much but you still space.
~lost
Hello!
I'm not sure if this is an issue of the formatting on my tablet or if this is in your piece, but whenever I came across a comma it wasn't followed by a space before the next word. If this is in your piece, it's a quick fix. If not, then it's an issue with my tablet.
With a little editing, this piece will be awesome
Next, commas should always go inside quotes. "I think what Victor said is right", should be "I think what Victor said is right," Again, an easy fix.
Also, this line didn't really makes since: "He further added that it was north worth taking more risks..." Did you mean it was worth taking more risks?
I found the poem at the end very amusing. From my experience, drunk people do act similarly. Jason's going to regret that one later XD
Overall, nice job!
please read all the four episodes.