Hey Rikki!
Back for chapter three. As with previous chapters I'll just jump straight into it:
Well, it seems like this might be the last chapter where you write dialogue this way, which is fantastic, as it's really hard to read.
Again, there is also no scenery going on during any of the dialogue which makes it hard for the reader to picture what is going on. Especially in dialogue heavy pieces as this. And as before, conveying actions, emotions et cetera in brackets is not acceptable.
Alright, I'll write down some comments as I read through it again, though as before, I won't cover everything as there are a lot of repeating errors.
Last night both Edwards and Jason had a nice sleep.
None of your chapters open interesting, there is very little that makes the reader want to continue past these openers. The sentences are also very short and choppy, leaving no impression and gives nothing to the reader. And then it's right into dialogue, still reading very much like a script, despite not being one.
Edwards still seemed to be asleep,Meanwhile Jason got up.
Though they both are 'in their respective homes', this line makes it seem like they are both in the same place.
Jason: Good Morning,wake up buddy, its a big day buddy, rise up.
Try not repeating words throughout a sentence, buddy. And remember a space after commas.
Edwards: zzzzzzZZZZZZZZ!!!
Just write that he is still sleeping, or if half awake.
Edit
Edwards:(kind of sleepy)"Yeah, good morning, Jason" Edwards yawned sleepily.
Edit
breakfast of cereals
Edit
and protein juice for him.
A lot of quick grammatical errors.
playstation console
Playstation. I approve.
Mr.Collins was in charge of the great GALLIAN.
One thing I'm noticing now is that your chapters are pretty predictable. Jason and Edwards plan something, talk a bit then go meet another character. Stevens in the previous chapter and Collins in this one. Wonder if this continues.
Edit
Moments, later Jason and Edwards
Why is there a comma here?
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we have a written permit from Mr.Stevens.
we are into space research and not production and maintainence.
Wait, they are into space research? But they are doing underwater research..
There is a lot of dialogue coming up now and for the most part it is okay. It is of course not written like regular dialogue and there is a lot of references to this world that the reader won't get, but otherwise ok.
Edit
the last hope for you is to access the
A couple of quick errors again.
Edit
Damn it, that's quite far.
Somehow ,they managed to get a ticket of the exosphere Vessel
Mind telling us how? And maybe elaborate of this vessel? It sounds neat.
Suggestion
Victor: Jason, finally seeing you after such a long time, this is a great surprise. How are you doing?
Edit
take you wherever you want within it's reach.
I would like to know more about these tunnels. They seem to be a big part of the story and backdrop, yet we know very little of them.
Suggestion
He asked a question here, he didn't quote anyone.Jason forgot the access point code. He turned to Edwards beside him: "Edwards, do you remember?"
Alright, that's chapter three. I guess the plot moves forward quite a bit, but I'm interested in seeing how the next chapter takes form from here on. Chapter four seems to be where the writing style takes more form.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
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