Last night both Edwards and Jason had a nice sleep.
They were greeted by the bright sunshine.
Edwards still seemed to be asleep,Meanwhile Jason got up.
He called up Edwards via video call.
Jason: Good Morning,wake up buddy, its a big day buddy, rise up.
Edwards: zzzzzzZZZZZZZZ!!!
Jason: Get up, whats up with you, are you freaking crazy, try and realize the importance of this day, we need to investigate if the Gallian pipe is properly functioning or not.
Edwards(kind of sleepy): Yeah, Good Morning, Jason.
Perhaps you are right,man. The proper functioning of the Gallian tube has to be ensured.
Jason enjoyed a packeted breakfast of cerials and oats that he bought the last night. Warmed it in his microwave chamber and was ready for the day.
Meanwhile,Edwards order his Robo-maid to prepare some nice sandwiches and protien juice for him.He enjoyed his food and spent around half an hour in his own gymnasium.
Jason was busy playing games on his advanced playstation console which apparantly were in 3D. He was an out and out gaming freak.
Jason drove to Edwards' residence in his metro car and together they drove off to New York linking road leading to tunnel of great GALLIAN(it is a technology hub station that could project the Gallian pipe towards a particular hop. Articus was one out of hundreds of underwater cities , but was certainly the largest and most advanced,it has an Gallian access point of: 'AGP01' – Articus-Gallian-Pipe-01).
Mr.Collins was in charge of the great GALLIAN.
Moments,later Jason and Edwards arrived at the spot.They entered into it after the lenghty verification process.
Collins: Welcome, Are you scientists at the Gordon Manufacturing labs(The lab which maintains the worldwide operations of the Gallian pipe).
Jason: Excuse me, we are not what you assume we are.
Edwards: Wait a minute, we have a written permitfrom Mr.Stevens.We have the authority to visit Articus. We need Gallian elevator support to help us reach the giant underwater city.
That is why we are here.
We work for CLIMAX labs , we are into space research and not production and maintainence.
Collins: Well forgive me for my ignorance, I happened to find that the access point AGP01 is not responding well. In this circumstance, connectivity to Articus looks like near to impossible.Troubleshooting the problem and debugging will take more than a month.
Jason: Oh shit,we have permitted access to Articus only for a week. Waiting for a month is not feasible. If we lose this oppurtunity, I fear the shrewd Stevens will never renew the permit.Can Bubblemarine provide us some relief at this stage.
Edwards: Bubblemarine is in development stage and is just a prototype.It is our back up option and not truly the best way to travel around 10 miles under the water. The security at Articus may consider Bubblemarine to be a foreign entity and may not lead us in.
Collins; Well, I fear gentlemen, the last hope for you is ti access the Master Gallian pipe, the most successful gallian pipe deployment in the history of States.But its far,it is in Miami.
Jason: Dame it, its quite far. We need to utilise day-1 for completing our voyage to Articus. The metro car is not a viable option to travel so far. Moreover it is not that fast.
The Stratosphere passenger jets can take us there for sure.
Edwards: Not good enough at this time, it will be a bit slower due to heavy air traffic, since it is quite cheap , there will be a heavy rush and getting an air-ticket will be difficult. The only option seems to be the expensive Exosphere-Vessel which bypasses all the low flying air traffic and it is incredibly fast. We can reach there within half an eartly hour.
Somehow ,they managed to get a ticket of the exosphere Vessel which flew at round 400 miles above the earth's surface.First time ,they were excited to undertake such a journey.
It flew close to 10000 km/hr.
Finally they landed at Miami Interplanet space base (like airports but 10 times larger).
They hired a metro car for the day and drove to Techno-Base, the main house of the master Gallian pipe.
Jason: Oh yeah, it looks awesome, the city is terrific.
Edwards: Luckily I brought our under water back up suits just to address any emergency, I had an extra one ,so this one is for you.
Jason: Thanks, a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Both laughed out loud.
They reached the Techno-Base. Edwards kept his fingers crossed , hoping this time around everything will be fine and that thay don't have to face any further unnecessary delays.
The person in-charge of the Gallian pipe at Techno-Base was Mr.Victor.
Personally,Jason knew Victor from his school-days.
They entered the Techno-Base, Victor was greeted by Jason.
Victor: Jason , seeing you after a long time. What a great surprise, whats up friend.
Jason: We are on our way to Articus,We wanted a NY-Art (NewYork-Articus) coonectivity but due to some technical glitches, we flew to Miami and need to take the MIA-Art connectivity.
Victor: This is the Master Gallian pipe, it never faces any problems. It is well maintained and is ready to take you wherever you want within it sreach. I need to know the destination Access Point.
Jason forgot the access point code. He quoted: "Edwards, do you remember?"
Edwards: Oh ,yes. I think it is 'AGP01'
Victor ,please check and confirm.
Victor: I checked. I am glad to inform you Jason that you friend is correct. It is the correct Access Point code. The Gallian pipe responded positively towards this Access-Point.
You both are set to go. Gear up ,Guys.
Jason: Thats wonderful. Thanks,Victor.
They both put on their emergency underwater gear and looked rock solid, ready to run.
Victor connected the destination port of the Gallian pipe to 'AGP01' and led them to the entrance of Gallian elevator service.
"Have a nice journey", Victor shouted.
Our heroes set out for the journey that they wanted to undertake and lets see what obstacles they have to overcome in future.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Rikki!
Back for chapter three. As with previous chapters I'll just jump straight into it:
Well, it seems like this might be the last chapter where you write dialogue this way, which is fantastic, as it's really hard to read.
Again, there is also no scenery going on during any of the dialogue which makes it hard for the reader to picture what is going on. Especially in dialogue heavy pieces as this. And as before, conveying actions, emotions et cetera in brackets is not acceptable.
Alright, I'll write down some comments as I read through it again, though as before, I won't cover everything as there are a lot of repeating errors.
None of your chapters open interesting, there is very little that makes the reader want to continue past these openers. The sentences are also very short and choppy, leaving no impression and gives nothing to the reader. And then it's right into dialogue, still reading very much like a script, despite not being one.
Though they both are 'in their respective homes', this line makes it seem like they are both in the same place.
Try not repeating words throughout a sentence, buddy. And remember a space after commas.
Just write that he is still sleeping, or if half awake.
Edit
Edit
Edit
A lot of quick grammatical errors.
Playstation. I approve.
One thing I'm noticing now is that your chapters are pretty predictable. Jason and Edwards plan something, talk a bit then go meet another character. Stevens in the previous chapter and Collins in this one. Wonder if this continues.
Edit
Why is there a comma here?
Edit
Wait, they are into space research? But they are doing underwater research..
There is a lot of dialogue coming up now and for the most part it is okay. It is of course not written like regular dialogue and there is a lot of references to this world that the reader won't get, but otherwise ok.
Edit
A couple of quick errors again.
Edit
Mind telling us how? And maybe elaborate of this vessel? It sounds neat.
Suggestion
Edit
I would like to know more about these tunnels. They seem to be a big part of the story and backdrop, yet we know very little of them.
Suggestion
He asked a question here, he didn't quote anyone.
Alright, that's chapter three. I guess the plot moves forward quite a bit, but I'm interested in seeing how the next chapter takes form from here on. Chapter four seems to be where the writing style takes more form.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Still kind of confusing like the last one I reviewed from you, but now it actually looks like a stage play, perfect something I can work with.
Now I am going to set up about a quarter of this in red ink, prepare.
Now you have to stop preparing.
Okay go.
First thing I look for-
Meat: What do I mean by meat? I mean it feels empty, or there is not quite enough to make me imagine that I am there, no switch in mood even though I know there should be. It needs..more! Kind of spots.
I know most of this is just the base line stuff but THIS is the opening, its the start on the chapter, you need a hook, treat each opening like it is a new story that needs a brand new main attraction, sort of like how theme parks not only hook you in at the entrance but at the beginning of each ride. Something interesting has to be happening, or it needs to start happening very soon. However, I don't see much attraction going further down, nothing to keep a hook close enough to the beginning.
Now there is more you should have sort of hook on each paragraph but for something like this the beginning is the most important part of a stage play. So lets look into something else I like to list.
De-Still: Rather then pushing on said mood, you add an extra word or a whole sentence. The sentence or phrase ruining or weakening what ever feeling the words would have impressed. It's actually important that reviewers mention this because the mood you put into a story can make or break even the best writing far more then anything mentioned so far, this is more important then grammar.
That is rather...interesting usage to say the least, you are pushing a frantic, lazy, and robotic mood, not at the same time from a specific type of character but a sudden shift. If you are going to press on with that sense of urgency do it, otherwise it just feels like an empty and confusing switch in pace.
That's about it, there is more but I just am telling you to draw your attention to it, so that if you ever decide to edit you have a idea where to look, and with that, lets point out some errors in grammar that are super obvious.
Quoted? I thought he was asking.
This all over the place, yes see how I am using it, I am not using it quite as much or as little as it should be, but it's important to know that the "," only goes next to a word like I am using it. Anywhere else is just wrong.
Never, ever, ever use numbers in written plot, as tempting as it is, that switch to numbers distracts from the story, while the distraction is tiny, it can build and causes more problems then helps.
That's all, hope I helped, and have fun.
Thank You for your valuable comments and you are Great,Sir.
Hey, Doug (Lastsilverh3r0) here to review you, mainly because I saw that no one else did, which I find weird..
So, I really liked the whole play-type writing. The only thing I would say to fix is the amount of description that you put into your setting, I just didn't feel like it was very much, but that might just be me. There were a few parts I was getting a little hazy on, such as towards the middle when it began to get a little choppy. I also felt like the dialogue of the characters changed part of the way through, and it was a bit distracting. I don't know if you intended to do that on purpose or not, but if so maybe a bit of clarification would do? Other than that, I thought that it was a really interesting peice, and I look forward to reading others that you have! Thank you for postin this, and get back to me when you have new things!
Its not a stage-drama, wait i shall be posting more interesting episodes and in the mean time ,if you please can read the remaining two episodes.