“STARBOARD!” The threatening call came from across the water. Anya tugged in the sail urgently and called to her crew, “Ready about!” She turned the tiller, “Hard to lee!” She jumped to the other side of he boat. The boat behind them, who had been so haughty about having right of way watched aghast as Anya rounded the windward mark ahead of them.
“In ya face!” Anya screamed at them, smiling like Pac Man.
Sailing had always been Anya’s favorite sport. She had started three years ago when she was ten, now as a budding teenager, her main goal was to head toward the America’s Cup. Just saying it made her feel a rush of energy. The America’s cup is the most prestigious regatta in America.
When she first started sailing, she sailed the bathtub shaped Optimist Prams. She floated around in them on Lake Staghorn in Idaho. She learned that you can’t sail into the wind so you have to tack which is like zigzagging across the race course, She learned starboard and port which is right and left. Then, she moved to the racing team, she sailed the larger X boats.
“Tomorrow we will have tryouts for the Youth Invite on Lake Huron,” The X boat coach announced on Wednesday afternoon, “All of you must sail like you are in the Olympics if you want to make the team. Some of you, will have trouble doing that.” He glanced sternly at Megan Troupe, who was sitting on her chair painting her nails. “Staghorn’s team has not won this regatta since 1975 kids! You have to change this!” Anya watched intently as he explained the process of multi day regattas.
The next afternoon, It was chilly and blustery. The team stretched and warmed up for the upcoming race. Anya looked at the course thinking about tactics. The port side of the start looks favored. She muttered to herself before climbing onto her boat. Her crew, David grabbed the jib sheet and they pushed off from the dock.
The start horn blew and Anya’s boat started off on starboard tack. She watched as her nemesis, Megan tacked in front of her giving her bad air. The boat slowed down and Anya muttered some fresh words under her breath. “Pull in your sail, idiot!” She screamed at the younger David, who immediately did so. She looked at the back of Megan’s boat and tacked to the Port side of the course. Even though, she no longer had right of way, this would give her more space to maneuver her boat.
Gaining speed, Anya tightened the hiking strap and stuck her feet through the elastic bands. They passed Megan triumphantly, passing the finish first.
The results of the tryouts were posted on the side of the Yacht Club building. It looked like this:
Youth Invite Team 2013
Captain:Megan Troupe(14) Crew Stephan Hala
Anya Bergoni(13) Crew: David Alada
Tanner Storm (15) Crew: Michaela Donnor
Skip Damon(12) Crew Nimadi Tripper
Anya felt a mix of emotions as she gazed at the poster. Meagan Troupe? She thought. I beat her though!
She then ripped the paper off the wall and stomped off angrily. Coach Davis stopped her as she tried to make her way toward the dressing room in the Club Building,
“Anya, are you mad at me for my choice of captain?” She nodded “Well, you are a better sailor, Anya, I want to stretch Megan to do more in her sailing. She doesn’t do her best in training because her self-esteem is low. Do you understand?” Anya nodded and looked down at her feet. Coach Davis picked up his keys to lock up the Club building. He walked with Anya out of the building, “I believe in you Anya, you’re the strongest member of our team. Do your best.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Messenger here to review for you today! so!
This line makes no sense. I'm not sure if you meant to write that David was her crew, like it was a two-person team, but if you do, I would suggest phrasing it a little differently. If not then it was probably just a small error you can fix.
You don't need the comma after though.
So, all finished. I feel like this was in some ways an empty chapter. I don't get the feeling of being with the characters. Trying adding some small details about the spray the boat was making, the wake behind the boat, the wind in her face, how the boat's speed felt.
Remember the five senses. Does the water smell salty? Are there waves? If so are the small or choppy?
You don't have to add all of those things, but if you sprinkled little bits here and there, t would help.
Also, I felt hardly any emotion in the race. How close are the boats? How long distance-wise is the race? I don't really get a feeling of knowing what's going on.
Now, those things ca be fixed quickly. I did enjoy your use of sea terms. Starboard, lee, tack, stuff like that. But there may be readers who don't understand what you are saying. For this I wouldn't re-write anything, but perhaps make a page explaining the terms so it's easier for readers. I saw one person do this for a book and she got very good responses on wat a great idea it was.
I hope I don't sound harsh. I will want to see how Anya and Meagan clash, and hopefully how they become friends. Let me know when the next chapter comes out!
Thank You! I will take that into mind
Very good in my opinion short but detailed and I like that kind of story
Thanks!
Hello love! I like the story, and you definitely got me hooked.
Technicalities, luv:
The boat behind them, who had been so haughty about having right of way watched aghast as Anya rounded the windward mark ahead of them.
No comma after them.
She had started three years ago when she was ten, now as a budding teenager, her main goal was to head toward the America’s Cup.
She had started three years ago when she was ten, and now as a budding teenager, her main goal was to head toward the America’s Cup.
The America’s cup is the most prestigious regatta in America.
You were writing in past tense- change the 'is' to 'was'.
She learned that you can’t sail into the wind so you have to tack which is like zigzagging across the race course, She learned starboard and port which is right and left. Then, she moved to the racing team, she sailed the larger X boats.
She learned that you couldn’t sail into the wind so you have to tack which is like zigzagging across the race course, She learned starboard and port; which is right and which is left. Then, when she moved to the racing team, she sailed the larger X boats.
“All of you must sail like you are in the Olympics if you want to make the team. Some of you, will have trouble doing that.”
“All of you must sail like you are in the Olympics if you want to make the team. Some of you will have trouble doing that.”... no comma
“Pull in your sail, idiot!” She screamed at the younger David, who immediately did so.
“Pull in your sail, idiot!”, She screamed at the younger David, who immediately did so.
Meagan Troupe? She thought.
Meagan Troupe, she thought?... italicize Meagan Troupe
“Anya, are you mad at me for my choice of captain?” She nodded “Well, you are a better sailor, Anya
“Anya, are you mad at me for my choice of captain?” She nodded. “Well, you are a better sailor, Anya
That's all of the technicalities. In the end, it says that Anya is going to the dressing rooms in the slub building but the Coach locke up before she can. Unless you meant to do this, correct it- it doesn't make sense.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing it!
Keep on writing. Persistence is in valuable.
Evilly,
Aurora
Thanks~!