"Shhh!!!" I whispered, "If someone finds us now, we'll lose the Hide n' Go Seek championships!" My little brother Donald looked up at me, his eyes sparkling with tears. I knew he was prone to crying and I didn't want to upset him. "Oh Donald, of course we won't lose, we'll win if you stay quiet!" I squished myself back into the closet. Donald's head was balanced on an old box of photo albums and mine was on the artificial Christmas tree. "Listen Donald, do you hear footsteps?" He nodded, as his eyes widened.
"I think their coming here sissy! What we goin' to do?" The tiniest bit of a whine escaped his mouth.
"I think we'll have to run, change our place. Ok?" I said. All was quiet for a few seconds, then Donald whispered ecstatically to me,
"I know it sissy! When they mentioned the rules earlier, they never said where we could hide. They just said mommy's room is off limits. Daddy said that in the back of this closet there is a door to the garage, what if we go outside?"
"Donald! That's it!" I exclaimed, "What if..." I paused, "What if we hide in the old Granger cabin? They'll never find us there!"
Donald and I pushed open the trap-door. We climbed through it, shoving through the piles of used oil trays and Anti-Freeze bottles. As soon as we reached the door, we ran. We ran through the yard, and into the woods. Donald began to cry. The deeper into the woods, the deeper we ran, the louder he cried.Finally, the door to the Granger house appeared in front of us.
The wood sidings were falling off, rusty nails littered on the premises. The window pains were missing and there was old oil drums out side. My dad had told us never to go here with out them. Now we were here, Donald crying the woods getting dark, and worst of all... I couldn't find my way back. I too began crying. I led Donald through the mass of trees. The sun finally bade goodbye beneath the horizon. Finally, I fell down, tripping on a branch. My scream echoed out.
"Hey! Martha... Wake up we found you! Seriously, who falls asleep during Hide n Go Seek? Come on! The closet was sooo obvious!" Who said the closet? Where's the woods, or... was it a dream?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello...
The plot for this story, I believe is quite simplistic, so that it appeals to all.
The unresolved ending with the dream, for me I find it to cliche but still it ends the story with question marks scribbled in my brain.
I think it would be cooler if maybe like there would be more background for the Granger cabin like maybe it was where jack the ripper used to live or something like that.
I still really like it though and i find it really great.
This is a charming story! You've really captured the feel of children taking Hide an' Go Seek - I know for a fact that it felt like a death match or something similarly serious. Your younger characters ring true - you've given them both recognizable traits that keep them individual while making it clear that they're both kids.
Since the story is generally very good, my critiques will probably range from specific to nit-picky.
The first is that your paragraphing is off in several places. As a general rule, you should avoid large chunks unless absolutely necessary, and it's imperative to start a new paragraph every time a character speaks. The bad news is that in the places where you've broken the rules, it really does make the story more difficult to read. The good news is that it's incredibly easy to fix, so you don't have much to worry about on that score.
"The tiniest bit of a whine..." Referring to a "bit" of a whine neither makes sense nor adds much to the meaning of this sentence. Just "a whine" will do fine here.
"...the deeper we ran..." How exactly does one run "deeply"? "Faster" would both have the matching "er" suffix, and actually modify the verb in question.
"Donald crying the woods getting dark..." There should be a comma between "crying" and "the."
"Who said the closet? Where's the woods, or... was it a dream?" This section starts to lose coherence, and doesn't really add much to the story. The reader can tell what's happened from context alone in the passage above what I quoted, so this could be cut without much trouble.
That's about the extent of my critique, so allow me to say again that this is a lovely little story. I wish you luck in your future literary endeavors!
Hi there! Rebel here to review.
Cool ending, too. I have definitely fallen asleep during a game more than once.
I thought this was a cute short story. It reminded me of this game my cousins, brothers, friends, and I used to play as kids-we would have a championship to see who the best player was. I think you capture the essence of what it's like to little kids when they play hide and seek. They take it pretty seriously.
I think my only suggestion would be to elaborate on two topics.
1) Explain the backstory behind the Hide 'n' Go Seek Championships. Were Donald and his sister with some friends when they came up with the idea?
2) The ending was slightly confusing. Who woke Martha up? Maybe it's just me, but I feel like you could elaborate slightly more on your conclusion.
Overall, I think you did a pretty good job. Keep writing!
Thank you!