z

Young Writers Society


12+

Starlight

by pony123


Starlight

“Line up!” The call of the matron stung my ears. “You shall all go to home now to your families! I want to see you back here tomorrow. Bright and early!” Working at a shoe factory , me and my three sisters never had a chance to spend any time to ourselves. We barely ever saw our mother, who worked selling candles on the streets.

“Excuse me matron,” The voice of my sister Elizabeth rang out, “Tomorrow is Christmas!” Her innocent face had tears dripping down it.

“The city uses up their shoes fast girl, and I’m sure your families can’t afford any ’Santa Clause’ Presents for you! Now get, all of you!” Our dull brown wool dresses and worn leather shoes made the factory crowd look like a storm cloud ready to pour down. Elizabeth was bawling now. I hugged her close and led her away toward home.

Our small shanty in the ghetto wasn’t much, but we had to call it home. My mother was scrubbing away at the one pan we had that was well rusted and bent. Her wool dress was torn in several places, and her blonde hair was covered in grease and dirt. Her eyes looked like a starving dog, stretched out with want. I gathered my three sisters, Elizabeth, Miriam, and Rebecca toward the small fire that was burning. My mother lay down on a torn mattress and fell into a deep sleep. Eliza sat on my lap, her curly red hair looked like a birds nest. I smoothed it and watched as she coughed. She didn’t have long to live we knew. She was the sickliest of our family and we often wondered how long.

“Rachel, tell me about the first Christmas!” She wondered.

“Oh, the first Christmas? Well, that was long ago in a country far, far away… There was a girl named Mary oh, maybe about fourteen or fifteen and you see, she was engaged to a man named Joseph. An angel told them that they were to have a baby that would be the saviour of everyone!”

“Even the matron?” Eliza asked shivering violently .

“Even the matron!” I laughed, “Well, anyway, they went to a town called Bethlehem ‘cause the king ordered it and they tried to find a place to stay. But no one wanted a strange couple to stay in their house so they had to stay in a stable! So Mary had her baby in a stable.”

“Now God wanted every one to know about this baby so he put a big star above the stable. Now, this was the brightest star you have ever seen! The shepherds that were watching their sheep decided to come…” and suddenly Eliza gasped.

“What is it Liza?” I asked praying she wouldn’t die.

“Look! It’s the star that God put above Bethlehem!” and sure enough, there was a large bright star. One of it’s rays streamed down and the wind started blowing hard. Mother woke up and Miriam and Rebecca ran out of the shack. A deep voice came out of the light, “Are you ready to enjoy the feast God has prepared for you in heaven?” It called. Eliza nodded, “Can I meet Jesus?” She asked. The light answered, “Jesus is waiting to meet you.” Eliza stepped forward and was lifted to the heavens just as the clocks struck twelve. Mother had tears streaming down her face, as Eliza would see no pain again.


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13 Reviews


Points: 1535
Reviews: 13

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Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:47 pm
CorianderLee wrote a review...



Hello there,
Cori, here to review!

This story has potential, but, like the other reviewers said, it was rushed.
We noticed the girls' emotions, but we didn't really feel them. The way you described any emotion was somewhat bland, making it feel like I was just watching from a distance.

The mother needs a little more personality. You describe her as sad and all, but she doesn't interact with the girls at all. And the girls don't try to interact with her either. It makes her seem like a tangent, and in this story I don't think she should be.

Now, on to the death of Eliza. The first thing I would point out is her sister is telling the story and all of the sudden Eliza says "look! It's the star that God put in Bethlehem!"
Instead, I would make the characters notice a strange glow start to form in the room. Once they notice something happening I would then have Eliza say "Look! It's the star!" No need to explain that it's the one from Bethlehem because we were just talking about it.

Instead of Miriam and Rebecca running out of the shack I would have them run towards their mother. This would show that the mother actually has a relationship with these girls.

Last point, Eliza automatically accepts the star as a sign from heaven. She isn't sad to leave her family. I would either add some sadness or explain that she feels peaceful.

Hope I helped, wasn't too harsh, and if there was something I over thought or missed the point, Please let me know :)
-Cori




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21 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 1:44 pm
Christina wrote a review...



Hello.

I like this story. You have done really well describing everything. I also like the setting of the story.

I think there is a bit of punctuation missing. E.g it would look better if there was a comma between asked and praying. You have also written 'go to home' - you don't need to have 'to' there.

It would be nice to know more about the characters so the reader can feel a connection with them.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Well done.




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285 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:06 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



It is a good, but the story went by too fast and it lost meaning. The fact it went from telling a story to Eliza dieing, it is simply to fast pace. Slow it down. Show Eliza more, than just focusing on the story. It will make the story a lot better. It may make it longer, but that doesn't make it any less better. Just slow down the pace of your writing. You will lose your leader with it, and those who read through it all will be confused.

From the reviewing station of GreenTulip.




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205 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:53 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...



The idea of this story is very sweet and beautiful, the execution, though, I feel is a little lacking.

I sense that it's supposed to be dramatic and stir up emotions in the reader, but it moves really fast, and I don't get a sense of what Eliza, or the other children are actually thinking or feeling, so I don't ever come to actually love them, or really like them. They're just another character in the story.

When Eliza dies, it's happens all of a sudden, and there's no explanation as to the cause. You definitely make it sound as if she dies and is taken up into heaven, but here it just seems like she was abducted by aliens and is gone for no reason. It's a little, lacking in feeling, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered like; Why was she dying? Why did she have to work in a shoe factory on Christmas? Why did her mother have to sell candles on the street?

These are all questions that, while they don't have to be answered outright in a short story, they do have to be answered in some way for the reader to feel for the character's other wise it just sounds like you are wanting a pity party for your characters.

Please don't take this to be harsh, but this is how I felt about this piece of work.

Thank you pony123!




pony123 says...


thanks!



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179 Reviews


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Sat Jan 25, 2014 4:09 pm
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello Pony123,

Magenta here to review your short story that you just submitted to YWS. I thought that you have a great skill with writing. I just have some things to suggest for you when you continue with your writing.

"Working at a shoe factory , me and my three sisters never had a chance to spend any time to ourselves."

I first was caught by this sentence. I'm not quite sure whether you should write it as "me and my three sister". The sentence doesn't seem to flow as well. I would have written it like this.

"My three sister and I, working at the shoe factory, never had time for ourselves."

"Her innocent face had tears dripping down it."

I would also suggest changing this. The way that you wrote "dripping down it" distorted the sentence. I'm sorry if I am begin rude or anything, but this is just me being picky so you don't really have to follow what I have to say. Still, I want to try to review this for you. Anyway, I would write, "Her face assumed an expression of pain that held within its lines, a pure innocence I'd never seen before. Before long, her face was wet with tears, as she hung her head in submission."

I would also change "Clause" to "Claus". I think that Santa Claus does not have an "e" on the end. But it is whatever you choose, of course.

Other than that, great job with portraying these girls and their hope. I hope to see more of your work circulating around YWS. ;)

~ Magenta




Magenta says...


I accidentally forgot to pluralize the word "sisters" in my review. Sorry!



pony123 says...


thank you sooooo much!




I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King