The rumble of the mail-man came at exactly 3:00, just like everyday. Tessa was there, her pink nose pressed against the glass, just like everyday. But when Tessa came back with the clump of letters, it was not just like everyday.
Her mom wandered in from the kitchen, she sifted through the junk mail and pulled out the bills and notifications. One brightly-colored envelope caught her mind, “Look Tessa, It’s the Tri-Hard Adventure Day brochure!” Tessa started to groan, but when she saw her mother’s jubilant face, she placed a looks-like-genuine smile on her mouth.
“Tess, do you remember last year, when all your friends were there from school? It was fun wasn’t it?”
Tessa certainly did remember last year. Her ex-friend Melissa had been there and teased her about every boy in the town of Lisaburg, Kentucky, then made kissy sounds the whole time the triathlon had been going on. Tessa shook off the memory and looked up at her mother.
“Yeah, um mom….” Her mother’s face stayed in the eternally sunny position, “Ok, mom I’m exited… Uh, really exited.”
The next day home schooled Tessa sat in her room doing Latin homework, Nauta orat Mariam, she wrote down as a translation. Usually very focused, today Tessa’s head was in the clouds. Tri-Hard Adventure? More like ’Be bullied by Melissa’ day. She thought about her mother, having fun, thinking it was fun for her. Was pretending to like it deceitful? She shook the ominous thought out of her head and turned back to her paper.
Tessa wrote a note to her mom. It said that she didn’t really want to go to Tri-Hard. She placed it on her mom’s dresser and waited until her mom came in. Picking up the paper, her mom’s smile turned to a frown. “Tess sweetie, you don’t want to go?” Tess hated the look on her mom’s face. The concerned, disappointed, look. She surfed her mind for a way to get it back to a smile.
“Uh… No mom, I was…um joking!” She blurt out suddenly. Even her mom was suspicious of the angelic look that she placed up as a façade.
“Are you sure?” Her mom wondered.
“Totally mom!” She nodded back.
The day of the Triathlon neared. Three days before it, Tessa slumped at the breakfast table, thinking of all the bad words she would know after a day with Melissa. She decided that if she had to go, she could at least have a little fun, by making a guess of how many profanities were to be said then see if Melissa would reach that number. She smiled a bit, then gazed back into her slop of oatmeal.
The day before, Tessa closed the door of her room. She thought about Tri-Hard and all the things that could be good about it. She counted zero. She tried thinking about how she could change Melissa’s cussing, then remembered the last time she did that, the F word in her face. So in the morning she got dressed in her tight sports pants and tank-top and went down to face the battle line. She almost smiled, thinking of a Latin word Caedes meaning, blood, gore, assassination. Exactly what I’m going into. She thought grimly.
When the group was separated into age groups, Tessa first saw Melissa. She was standing alone in a corner. Good Tessa thought Now I won’t have to walk with her. The race started and Tessa’s golden brown hair flew behind her. She even had a smile on her face. When she got her picture taken as the 3rd place winner, Melissa smiled and gave her a thumbs up. Tessa glared her away, there was no way Melissa was going to ruin her big day! In the car, Tessa’s mom looked at her, “Tess, did you hear? Melissa Gearhart’s mom died. The protective services are going to take her to a children’s home tomorrow.”
It struck Tessa like a wave, Melissa was going away? She knew Melissa was abused by her father, but she never knew her mom died!
“Hey, mom! Stop the car. I have to go do something.” She said. She ran through the grass parking lot, through the tents to where Melissa was sitting. Her face looked calm, but Tessa saw the pain in her eyes.
“Hey Melissa” Tessa said , “Do you want to go out for ice-cream?”
Now Melissa looked struck, “I thought you hated me!” She muttered, “because I cuss. I can’t help but say them! My dad says them a lot too.” she put her head down, “I can’t go anyway, I have a meeting with my counselor. Thanks though.” She waved as Tessa walked away. Amico She thought, the Latin word for friend.
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139,816 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey! You've already had a really detailed review and I'm short on time, so I'll just sum things up. First of all, I like this--it's good start, and while there are some broken sentences and such for the most part it flows well. I also like the way it ends, with Tessa being able to feel sympathy for Melissa--even think of her as a friend. I love the way you have Tessa think in Latin because it gives her a unique trait.
However, I feel like it just slides short of being really effective. I want to experience Tessa's dread, not just hear about it. That old, hateful saying of "show, not tell" applies. (I really hate it when someone says that to me so I'm sorry I'm saying it to you!) Perhaps tell about Tessa experiencing nausea because she's so upset, or talk about the way there's butterflies in her stomach, or perhaps the way she feels like she's burning up inside because she hates Melissa so much. Things like that could really bring out your story.
Also, I want to know more about Melissa, and I want to know it sooner. I want a good image of her in my head (as well as a clearer image of Tessa and her mother.) These three are your only real characters so it's okay to take some more time with them. Because I didn't get a good description of Melissa's physical appearance, I kept on visualizing my own character Melissa, and she's nothing like yours! And at first I thought Melissa was mean and just made fun of people, but a big part of Tessa's problem with her is her cussing, but you don't mention that until closer to the end.
Those are the main points. After that, there's just little things. Why does Tessa wait with her nose pressed against the window for the mail? This sounds like something either a very small girl would do or like she's expecting something, but you never really say what. Either mention what she's excited about or just have her get the mail the way a normal person does. Furthermore I want to see more about her relationship with her mother. She obviously hates hurting her mom, but you don't feel the connection there much.
Finally, I want to apologize. I said I wouldn't go on and on and then I did…so I'm sorry! I hope you don't think your short story is really bad, because it's okay even if you don't listen to any of my suggestions! They're personal opinion and others might not agree with them at all, but I hope they can help at least a little!
Thanks!
Hello pony123,
Magenta here for a quick review. As you have directed us YWSers, I have read this piece, Melissa, which you have recently submitted to the site. I know that I have reviewed some other work in your portfolio, but none as good as this one yet. I think that you have done well with this and that you could write more after. I just have a couple of comments and suggestions to make for you.
Let's start with the first paragraph.
"The rumble of the mail-man came at exactly 3:00, just like everyday. Tessa was there, her pink nose pressed against the glass, just like everyday. But when Tessa came back with the clump of letters, it was not just like everyday."
My first suggestion would be for the word "mail-man" which I believe should be "mailman", one word with no hyphen. This is one thing that I have found writers have trouble with. They aren't sure whether words are two separate words, hyphenated, or compound. I think that this one right here is compound. I am sure that "mail-man" is acceptable, but it was just something that I saw. Another thing would be your "3:00". I would suggest changing this to read "three o'clock" or even just write "three". You would not write this like an analog clock. I can see the repetition that you have here with "just like everyday", but the last sentence is awkwardly written. "Not just like everyday"? Perhaps you could take out the "just" that you have here. It might sound better. Or even use a different phrase then this.
"Her mom wandered in from the kitchen, she sifted through the junk mail and pulled out the bills and notifications. One brightly-colored envelope caught her mind, “Look Tessa, It’s the Tri-Hard Adventure Day brochure!” Tessa started to groan, but when she saw her mother’s jubilant face, she placed a looks-like-genuine smile on her mouth."
As for this second paragraph, I think this is written well. There are a few things that could be changed, for example, the hyphenated words "brightly-colored". This isn't a word and really shouldn't be hyphenated. Writers usually only use hyphens for words that need hyphens or for phrases that are said as "one" word like the one in the second part of the paragraph. There could also be a comma inserted between the words "mail" and "and". Another suggestion would be to change "caught her mind" to "caught her attention" because you can't really catch it in your mind. It makes more sense as "attention". The dialogue here should probably start at a new paragraph to be correct.
"Tessa certainly did remember last year. Her ex-friend Melissa had been there and teased her about every boy in the town of Lisaburg, Kentucky, then made kissy sounds the whole time the triathlon had been going on. Tessa shook off the memory and looked up at her mother."
Here, the name, Melissa, should be separated by commas, as it is in this sentence. This part "Kentucky, then made kissy" sounds a bit weird. Perhaps you could say " Her ex-friend, Melissa, had teased her, talking about the boys of Lisaburg, Kentucky, and insisting on making kissing noises, her immaturity showing. Something like that.
A few other suggestions...
"It was fun wasn’t it?" There should be a comma between "it was fun" and "wasn't it".
"“Hey, mom! Stop the car. I have to go do something.” She said. She ran through the grass parking lot, through the tents to where Melissa was sitting. Her face looked calm, but Tessa saw the pain in her eyes."
"Mom" should be capitalized because you are referring to "mom" as her name. "She said"? I think that "she" should be lowercase.
"“Hey Melissa” Tessa said , “Do you want to go out for ice-cream?”" A comma might be necessary before "Melissa" in this sentence.
Other than that, I think that you've done well with this. Great job and continue writing!
~ Magenta