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139,679 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hey phoenixwriter,
Euph here to review your poem!
~I forgot to click the check, so ignore the fact that I am posting this twice.~
I have to say, when I first started to read this, I was puzzled at what the poem itself was about.
“Swirling in a cloud of cudst around my feet. They whisper secrets to me, the dark knwledge unfurling.”
It should be..
“Swirling in a cloud of dust*(?) around my feet. They whisper secrets to me, the dark knowledge* unfurling.”
“But if I explore to see why I am seeing my attributes fall away, what will I find?”
Try using another word for seeing, such as visualizing. If you use both see and seeing it defeats your point in the sentence, or at least lowers the affect of. It is a very powerful line, so I would like to help refurbish it’s purpose.
“A pile of bones, of lost secrets, I am destined to discover, all inducing me to shout -in pain, in grief”
You might want to turn into..
“A pile of bones, of lost secrets
I am destined to discover, all inducing me to shout
-In pain, in grief.”
Hey phoenixwriter,
Euph here to review your poem!
I have to say, when I first started to read this, I was puzzled at what the poem itself was about.
“Swirling in a cloud of cudst around my feet. They whisper secrets to me, the dark knwledge unfurling.”
It should be..
“Swirling in a cloud of dust*(?) around my feet. They whisper secrets to me, the dark knowledge* unfurling.”
“But if I explore to see why I am seeing my attributes fall away, what will I find?”
Try using another word for seeing, such as visualizing. If you use both see and seeing it defeats your point in the sentence, or at least lowers the affect of. It is a very powerful line, so I would like to help refurbish it’s purpose.
“A pile of bones, of lost secrets, I am destined to discover, all inducing me to shout -in pain, in grief”
You might want to turn into..
“A pile of bones, of lost secrets
I am destined to discover, all inducing me to shout
-In pain, in grief.”