***
6:01 PM
Tezukooo~ (* ^ ω ^): yo, wanna go out for a drink tonight?
I got friends from highschool
they really miss you
Me: Sorry, can't. Am at publication meeting.
Tezukooo~ (* ^ ω ^): manga stuff again?
Me: Yeah. I'm going to get published for sure.
Tezukooo~ (* ^ ω ^): ah, I see.
I really want to see you again tho.
been a long time since I saw you.
***
"Apologies for the delay, Mr. Suzuki."
"It's no problem. So Miss Aoki Honda, is it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Pen name, 'Aoki-tan.'"
"Yes, sir."
"It's cute how it's written in hiragana."
"Thank you, sir."
"Oh, no need for the formalities. Just call me Yoshi. Short for Masayoshi. Anyways, I've been hearing about you lately in social media, especially Twitter and pixiv. Seeing your art for the first time, I can see why you're so popular among the fans online."
"Thank you, sir."
"'The Sweet Aftertaste of First Love, story and art by Aoki-tan.' I take this is your first shot at getting published."
"It is, sir."
"Your art style is lovely, I have to say. It sparkles with emotion, especially in these close-ups of the young Momoka. You have the potential to get published in the magazine, art-wise."
"Thank you, sir."
"However, your figure drawing is really off in these sample artworks here. Momoka's pose here looks stiff, as if she doesn't have any joints. Her right arm isn't proportionate to the rest of the body in this one. And you just can't seem to draw the human body in motion."
"Oh."
"As for your story, I have one question for you: have you ever fallen in love?"
"With an anime character, yes."
"That explains everything. I'm sorry, but this isn't fit for publishing."
"Ah. Thank you for having me, Mr. Suzuki. I'll be on my way now."
"Hey, hey, hey. Don't be in such a hurry. We've still got a bit of time. Let's chat a little more. Is there anything else you want to say?"
"Mr. Suzuki, what is it in particular that's wrong with my story?"
"Another question: did you have friends in high school?"
"Only a few."
"Do you spend time with these few friends nowadays?"
"No."
"Do you go out often?"
"No. I always stay at home to work on my art."
"That explains everything. I remember Hayao Miyazaki say something like, 'Almost all anime and manga are produced by humans who hate looking at other humans. That's why the industry is full of otaku.' Somewhere along the lines of that. Anyways, it's been nice meeting you today, Miss Aoki. I hope to hear from you again soon."
"Thank you very much, Yoshi."
***
6:30 PM
Me: Tekko, change of plans.
I'm going.
(448 words)
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137,797 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
hi seeking the truth here
A little discombobulating near the middle and to be honest you did not really need to make it complicated just turn your ideas on paper first and read the sentences over and if it does ot confuse you tehn it wont confuse us. thier is no description on anyones feelings or no emotive lanauage really basic story - to be honest. I like the whole plot idea that was very imagitive. your seppling and grammar is excellent , just ADD MORE DESCRITION it adds flavour to the story like adding salt and pepper to a dish. oh and the title is what drawn me to reading yours very very well done on the title, but I hated the idea of it being texting story this sort of story needs to be written in normal so people of all ages can read it.
thats me out
seeking the truth was here and found the truth
Hello Kazu!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review! Let's dig right in, now shall we?
Alright.
So I love that little conversation bit in the beginning. Really nice. But when you started the talking bit when she went to the publication meeting, then I was pretty confused. And slightly overwhelmed too.
Confused because - she texted that she was at the meeting, and then she started talking? Like, this shows us that she was texting while talking to "sir".
Overwhelmed because - there is zero description on how the people look, feel, or act like. Zero. So that kinda made me stop for a little while to see who was talking, ya know?
I do very much like the story behind this. I can sort of get an image of it in my head. Good job, though.
You're punctuation and grammar is great for sure. But I just want some description from you. I'd suggest telling us how the people look, act, feel like and how the area around them looks and feels like. Is it a congested area? Is the place open? Is it warm? Is it cold? Is the woman old or young? Is the man stern or funny? Is there tension between them? That sort of stuff, ya know?
Okay. That last bit kinda made me laugh. Like where she texts her friend and says that she'll be there, lol.
Alright, I'm done with my review. Hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
The title is great, "Humans Who Hate Looking At Other Humans". The buildup is great, but I feel like the part where the title is mentioned is a bit anti-climactic to be honest.
'Almost all anime and manga are produced by humans who hate looking at other humans. That's why the industry is full of otaku.'
I've heard a lot of places that in Japan, otaku tends to end up meaning something like "psychopath" due to this one guy, but English-speaking anime and manga nerds end up using it basically interchangeably with "geek". On the other hand, if someone doesn't know what the word means, they might assume that it has something to do with why anime and manga artists like to put in non-human characters (especially the famed... can I write that in a review of something with no age limit on it?).
The spacing in the dialogue makes it very clear at least and I like how you did that. Putting the main character on the right reminds me of manga books I've seen.
I like the idea of making this like a conversation only, so I'm assuming this is over text? I wish you would i like the little texting conversation in the beginning. It really adds to the story.
I'm not always sure who's talking, so maybe you should specify every once in a while in case the reader gets lost like I just did
I liked the part about falling in love with an anime character. I can relate with fictional characters.
I think you can take out the "That explains everything's"'s because it would make the character seem more wise.
I liked how the character branches out in the end due to the advice of Yoshi. I personally am not a fan of anime but I wouldn't mind reading the rest of this story at all, if there is one. I think that it was very good and you are a good writer. Your dialogue is very good but I think maybe you should make this story a little more than just dialogue. It might fit a story with some setting and maybe her walking in to the interview?
Anyway, that's just what I'd do. I hope this review helps you
I like the idea of making this like a conversation only, so I'm assuming this is over text? I wish you would i like the little texting conversation in the beginning. It really adds to the story.
I'm not always sure who's talking, so maybe you should specify every once in a while in case the reader gets lost like I just did
I liked the part about falling in love with an anime character. I can relate with fictional characters.
I think you can take out the "That explains everything's"'s because it would make the character seem more wise.
I liked how the character branches out in the end due to the advice of Yoshi. I personally am not a fan of anime but I wouldn't mind reading the rest of this story at all, if there is one. I think that it was very good and you are a good writer. Your dialogue is very good but I think maybe you should make this story a little more than just dialogue. It might fit a story with some setting and maybe her walking in to the interview?
Anyway, that's just what I'd do. I hope this review helps you
Hey, I'm here to review!
Given that the entire piece is made up dialogues, I wonder why did you choose to make it a short story and not a script? And while flash fiction has word limits, I don't think it allows for the lack of description and anything outside of dialogues. Probably wrong, though, maybe there is a good ff with only dialogues, but I just haven't found one yet. While I argue about this being an ff, I have to admit the dialogue makes it easier to follow the story.
Hmm, okay, so I'm trying to understand the pros and cons of Aoki's drawing here. Suzuki says young Momoka expresses emotions when she is observed close-ups, but her pose looks stiff when it comes to drawing her figure. Does this mean Aoki's good at facial expression, but bad at anatomy?
This is both sad and funny. The forwardness Aoki employs in her words, the obviousness of her matter-of-fact tone seems to imply that she doesn't care much about being in love with real people. Also, this lack of experience in that department becomes the reason why her story is not good enough to be published.
Now, I like the social commentary you're throwing out here, though I do suspect its validity. So, the reason Aoki's story isn't good enough is because her lack of interaction with other people, including her friends, affects it negatively. But is this true in its completeness? Can someone become an expert on something without having direct experience with it?
What if Aoki learns how to improve her story by watching dramas, movies, animes, and mangas? All of these portray the main character and his or her relationship with other characters, thus providing information about how social interaction goes, and what makes a good relationship between friends, lovers, and within the family. So yeah, our perspectives differ here.
Despite lacking dialogue, the message here is pleasantly strong. It's not conveyed explicitly, but it guides the readers into learning its intended meaning in a clear fashion. I like how it ends with a character development, which can come off as a happy ending, as Aoki now realizes her anti-social behaviour implicates her work.
However, her motivation is not clear. Does Suzuki's advice make her understand interaction with others is good for her character, or does it make her understand interaction with others will increase her knowledge in that department, thus enabling her to channel it into her story? What's her real motivation into changing her plan to meet her friend? With the lack of description, we'll never know. Perhaps it's conscience, or perhaps it's an opportunity.
And that is all! Keep up the good job.
alright that is rather insightful
"Have you ever fallen in love?"
"With an anime character."
Poor dude has no life. Lol
*dudette*
Hey outvaders, Apricity here for a review.
.Let's kick it off with my general impression of the story. I like the atmosphere here, and the plot. At first I was going to criticise you for the lack of communication and development here, yet at the same time I think that is also in part, what this story is about. Human isolation, and the effect that it can have for people. And in terms of portraying that, the sense of isolation, the lack of ability to communicate with other humans you've done well here.
That being said, I did notice conflicting traits at times in this story, and there are times where expanding a bit more on the situation at hand would give your story more depth. For example, this line of dialogue struck me as strange,
This in contrast to how Aoki was portrayed in the rest of the story, a detached young man this is oddly confident. Yet, we're given no reason as to why he might be so confident in making that statement. I'm really intrigued about Aoki's life outside of this story, and these are the moments where you can weave it in.
Ok, several things I find odd. I know you're aiming for a cold, almost clinical mood here. But it would be nice to see where this meeting was taking place, and what kind of publishing house it is. Because I can't get a good gauge on what the atmosphere is like, and consequently I don't really link it back to why the characters might feel a certain way. In terms of actual publishing, I don't know how realistic you're aiming for here. I've studied Japanese for around one year so I'm not master at it, nor do I know that much about manga publishing. But, most manga is written in hiragana, with a mix of katakana and kanji. So I'm not sure if 'cute' is the right description here when it's the norm.
Ah! But there is a need for formalities, especially within Japanese culture between two strangers who have just met it is very unlikely that they'll be so casual with each other. It's a good idea to research a bit about the culture you're writing on, or about because even though this is fiction. It's still based off the real world, and as far as I'm concerned this isn't set in an alternate Japan with altered cultures.
But it doesn't explain everything, I assume that this is linked back to Aoki's story but you haven't told us exactly 'why' and 'how' that it's not fit for publishing. I honestly wish you told us here, because it'd give us an insight in how being isolated from other human beings reflect Aoki's view in her art form. And, even though she got rejected she didn't even ask why? You have no tags following that line of dialogue, which makes it incredibly hard for me to tell what kind of tone, expression is on her face.
She might be speaking that in a distressed tone, or a totally nonchalant tone. In key moments such as these, some indication of emotional intensity is needed.
The latter half of the story is the part I'm not so fond of, especially the dialogues from Yoshi. They're incredibly out of place, and it sounds more like an interrogation than a conversation with him making observations without addressing Aoki's questions. What does the Miyazaki quote have anything to do with the discussion they were having? Is he implying that Aoki is an otaku? But what he's saying doesn't logically or coherently flow to the end of that paragraph. The thoughts are so random here, and there is no cause and effect between them that I'm not really sure what exactly Yoshi is trying to say here. A way to fix this would be to talk about how Aoki is related to the issue that Yoshi was talking about.
I mean, overall you have a good story here it's just that certain elements such as dialogue can be more coherent and smoother with some editing. I hope this review has helped you in some ways, if you've got any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.
-Apricity
that's rather nice
Looking back, I think this little flashfic is very contextual, like you need to know what they're talking about or experience what the main character has experienced to get this flashfic. It think it has these kinds of subtle details that demand attention, imagination, or a little bit of experience from the reader. I'll explain in the PMs.
But in the meantime, thanks for the review!
I await your PMs then, and no problem. That's also one problem you had, if it is contextual and you want to readers to get it then you'll have to provide a little bit of that context. You're right in that this story is filled with those subtle things (and I probably should have noticed that in my review as well, you do have the art of subtly weaving in these things). But at the same time you also need the context to make a bridge between the two, if that makes any sense?