Shiro lit herself a cigarette and smoked. The rough but addicting scent of burning tobacco filled her lungs, and for a moment she felt all her problems and worries disappear in this nicotine-induced euphoria.
She felt like she was in paradise for a while, but before she knew it, her cigarette, her paradise, had been reduced to nothing. Disappointed, she dropped the cigarette butt on her balcony floor and crushed it with her bare foot. It stung and burned her foot when she stepped on it, but she didn't care. After all, what else did a broke, jobless, chain-smoking alcoholic like her have to lose?
Maybe another smoke, Shiro thought.
She reached into her pockets for another cigarette, but she felt nothing inside. She felt the sour taste of dread rise up her throat.
Maybe not.
(137 words)
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi outvaders! Mage here to do the promised review!
As other people have also said, this is my first time reading and reviewing flash fiction. From my sudden acquaintance with it, my guess is that it's like poetry. You have to get a point across with a small amount of words, and it usually has to symbolize something.
Also, I'm never quite sure what people want me to review about, so please forgive me if this isn't the type of review you were looking for.
There should be a comma before "for" and after "moment".
I would suggest putting "maybe another smoke" in italics. People have different styles for doing thoughts. I do italics, and a person I know does italics and quotation marks. It's just easier to read if its written differently.
Also, now I get the title.
The present tense was a great tense to write this in. To me, it seems like this flashfic is about a person who can't move on. Shiro can't adjust to change. She wants to keep everything the same - she's addicted to simplicity. The cigarettes represent that. The lack of cigarettes represent change. When change is involved, she can't function.
That's just my interpretation of it.
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck with your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Actually, I never thought of Shiro that way. When I read that, I was like omgwth. The more you know.
And yes, flash fiction is poetry, but in prose. But many people who write flashfics forget that.
Also, I'll just drive you nuts and say I'm not going to italicize that. Read noir and flash fiction that involve little dialogue, and you'll see what I mean.
Anyways, thanks for the review!
If I ever attempt to write flashfic, I won't forget that.
Will do - eventually. I have so much stuff to do...0.0
You're welcome!
It doesn't take a lot of time to come up with the plot (unless you're thinking a flashfic that narrates a whole saga within 500 words). It just takes a good amount of skill pull it off, and an even greater amount of effort to make it memorable.
Well, it appears you have that skill!
Hey, bloody here...
Your work is so damn good and this is actually the first time for me to be acquainted with "flash fictions". I agree with viclemore that: you tell us little but at the same time enough....
Keep on writing...and thanks so much !
Thanks so much for the review m8!
I'm cooking up another one ft. Shiro.
thanks...
Hey, this is Viclemore with a short review!
This is my first real meeting with "flash fiction", and I can say I quite enjoyed it! You don't bore us with any irrelevant details, you tell us little but at the same time enough. The character is "miserable" or at least not in the best place. You're able to show this with few words.
I've never been able to write a powerful scene like that in that few words, so that's really remarkable.
Keep up the good work!
Hey, there!
I've never been really involved with flash fictions like this, but you made a really good first impression. I really liked how I immediately went to, "She's smoking outdoors, either the roof of a place or, like you wrote, a balcony", and that's what you gave me. I liked the simplicity of it because of the way you managed to introduce feeling into the character with what looked like an easily written piece of work, and I'm happy to see that!
The only thing I would advice is using italics when your character is thinking stuff, just italicize general thoughts she has, and that'll make it easier for the reader to identify. Other than that, I found nothing wrong with this!
Really good, really hooking!
Congrats!! <3
I'll just drive you nuts and say that I won't use italics for the character's thoughts.
Thanks for the review anyway!
hey person!
good job i would say! i really liked ur work... and the fact that it was short...well for me its like a cheery on top of a cake!
i liked the way you describd your character, though it wouldnt have hurt to tell more about her backround...but duh anyways i'm not complaining...
i really appreciate that you could explain the scenario of your work in just 137 words..
i can never do thatanyways i really liked your work, and cannot find anything to criticize about,
keep writing stay fab
~phangirl
Though this is short, I really liked it. I don't know anything about Shiro besides the fact she's a jobless, chain-smoking alcoholic and still I want to read more about her. I want to know more about her, why she does what she does and what her problems besides her current employment situation and addiction. But without more explanation to her, I am able to piece this together myself. Not create her to a completely different character, but just ponder about her with what little information I have. Your work leaves out just enough information, and provides just enough at the same time to captivate you while you're reading. It provides just enough description for the reader to be able to envision her and the environment for themselves. I don't find many stories like that anymore.
I really enjoyed this piece of your work.
We might see her again in the future. Or maybe sooner that I expect.
Hey there outvaders. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Yes that is the message because this is only your second day on the site. Two days and you've already published your first work. That's amazing. Enough with the chit chat because this is where the real review begins.
Or maybe it begins down here. I always seem to get this wrong. I haven't seen flash fiction for awhile but it's still pretty fun to review. Hard to review but fun.
I must admit that I liked your character very much. In short stories the characters always seem to grow on you faster than novel characters. Or you learn to hate them faster. You provide some details of the characters life or lack of. It does lack a bit of emotion about the fact that she's jobless and broke. It's the old LA rule of show don't tell. (Also the most annoying rule that I often find to be useless.)
As far as grammar, spelling, and typos there isn't much to report on.
Insert two or three lines here because I couldn't find anything to say on the subject.
This part seemed a bit over done to me. The fact that you were signaling her thoughts was off to me. I would have just put it in italics and subtracted the "Shiro thought". That's just my way of doing it, I like to have the thoughts in separate font.
And this is the shortest review I've written in awhile. This is also the shortest piece I have reviewed in ages.
Well I hope to back soon to review another one of your pieces.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
Hi there, outvaders. This is Luata, here for a review. Welcome to YWS and it is my pleasure to give you your first review! I'll divide my review into overall and what I would rewrite. Of course, since you are the author and I am not, take everything I say with a grain of salt! This is just me, personally, as the reader and I am not the greatest author, so ... yeah. Onward and upward!
Overall
Overall, I thought the character was great. The shortness worked well for the story, providing a bit of an insight for some emotion that the character was experiencing through some rather clever diction, but I'd also like to see some more imagery in this story. In a short, imagery is everything. Don't just tell your reader that Shiro is broke, jobless etc. etc. but show the reader, to sound like my English teacher. I can show you what I was thinking in the next section, where I'll rewrite some things!
Rewrites
I would rewrite as thus: Shiro lit herself another cigarette, drawing in a lungful of acrid smoke. The rough but addicting scent of burning tobacco flooded the air, instilling a sense of peace through the nicotine-induced euphoria as she felt all of her problems and worries seemingly drain away. I'd rewrite it that way to give your work some depth. Of course, that is the way I would do it, so please don't do it exactly like that. I think that every author has a unique style of writing, I just want to encourage you to add some depth to your writing and that's just how I would do it. Explaining what was happening while Shiro was smoking is more interesting to the reader than just saying that Shiro was smoking, yeah?
I would rewrite as thus: Her release, her cigarette, swiftly dwindled to nothing but a glowing stub and with an air of disappointment, she dropped the cigarette butt to the polished wood of her balcony, grinding away the spark with her bare foot. It stung and burned but she didn't care. The bills were piling up again, and the car needed new parts, but heaven knows she can't afford them. What did she have to lose? Once again, this rewrite was just trying to do more of the "show not tell" and apply some depth!
Other than that, I thought this was a pretty great work! I look forward to seeing more works from you. Feel free to PM me or drop me a line in the comments if you want me to explain anything that I have said or if there's something else you'd like me to review!
Have a great day!
~Luata
I just had to get a Pepsi as soon as I saw this because I knew it was gonna be a good read.
I've been dissecting noir lately, and as a result my writing style has become more terse and contains less imagery. This has reminded me that imagery is something that I shouldn't ignore.
Couldn't help but smile as I read your review. Thanks m8!
really nice review,appreciated!
I'm glad that you found it useful! Let me know (through PM or something) if you post anything else. I'd be very glad to review it for you!