Overload

Hey musicandme! It's me again.

Let's see how you did here. Hmmm. Great again!

Your title fit your content. It was full indeed. It was overloaded, not with words that don't relate with one another but with words that just compliment. Life is full of happenings and there are indeed times when we wished we could do other things than tedious work. Some other times come when we just wanted to have but we could not since we are boxed up in our busy world. We couldn't even find time to spend with the ones that we love and that lost time can never be back.

We could have wasted a lot of times in our lives and when we look back to it, we'll realize that we haven't done much with our lives except to be stressed and be concerned with the same things over and over again.

This was good but you might want to check on somethings too.
1. 2nd stanza, 2nd line. "you feel like no one no longer cares"
Did you mean nobody cares anymore? If you do, you need to remove the second no, because double negatives result to positive, thus giving your statement the opposite of what you might have meant.
2. 5th stanza, 2nd line. "you that that it'd work"
You might have doubled "that" there unintentionally, but if you meant it to be there, I still suggest that you might want to remove it. It does not seem to give any emphasis on anything so you might want to do it, but if you placed it there for emphasis, just place a comma after the first that.

All in all, this piece is good. You were able to present what has been reality to most of the people's lives now.


Keep the good vibe coming.

~Vibe

Hello!

I appreciate the sentiments in this poem. I think we’re all busy a lot.

As it is, it reminds me a lot of Dr. Seuss, and if that’s what you were going for, great job, but if it wasn’t (and usually no one tries to be like Dr. Seuss if they’re writing poetry rather than children’s books), then there are some things that should be… tweaked.

First of all: The rhyme.
This rhyme is so very forced. Don’t get me wrong, I like rhyming poems when they rhyme seamlessly, but that is so hard to accomplish. English as a language has so few natural rhymes, unlike, say, Spanish or French. Anywho, what I’m really trying to get at here is this: you don’t have to rhyme. You really don’t. You can express your ideas just as clear—heck, a hundred times clearer, if you don’t feel like you have to rhyme. Just write what you mean, and people will appreciate your work for its message, not its mechanics, and I think we all like that better.

Secondly, in the rhyme, if you’re really dedset on keeping it (which I would be heartbroken if you were </3 I put a lot of effort into that rant. Okay maybe not. But just trust me that you don’t have to rhyme. Some people don’t trust me on that.), there are a couple… errors. Fistly, there are some lines that don’t even rhyme: gone and fun, and then the last two stanzas. Even if they sound like they rhyme to your ears, they don’t really.
Then, you change up the rhyming pattern, which is generally a no-no, unless you’re writing lyrics. You have it pretty consistent at AA BB CC, but then you throw in a DEE or a FGHG. Pick a pattern and stick to it (if you’re gonna rhyme).

Nextly (is that a word?), you have punctuation in here as you would have in prose generally, but if this were prose, I’d be telling you that you’ve got a lot of mistakes. For example:

Nobody's got a second to spare,
they've got things to do,
they're busy too!

Hi there musicandme! Niteowl here to review for the Black Knights this fine Review Day!

Overall, I like what this piece is trying to do. The short couplet rhyme scheme pairs well with the theme. However, some stanzas are stronger than others.

Busy, busy, busy week,

how many things have you had to tweak?

You stopped over here, then over there,

you feel as if no one no longer cares.

Your life's gone so crazy that no one has had time,

to spare you a penny, nickel, or dime.

When your thoughts became actions and your dreams became work,

your existence went hazy, you're all the more irked.

You thought it'd be easy,

you that that it'd work,

as your pleasures were no longer meaningful perks.

.

You scramble and dash to get through the day,

to get your work done, there's no other way.

Hello Mr. Musicandme,
TS here reviewing

I enjoyed this piece more than a lot I've come upon today - so thanks for that!

For the good parts, I thought this was very funny in parts I thought that you did well to pick a topic to write about that everyone can actually personally relate to! I mean God, I've felt like this, pretty much always :') I also think your vocab was perfect for such a casual piece. Some poems don't need six-hundred and eighty-nine letter words three times per sentence, they're basic, and basic vocab suit them best. So well done here; I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I felt that the vocab was just enough for this piece.

For the bad parts... I don't have many, and I don't usually nit-pick so they should be straight-forward. I thought you messed up the flow in some parts. This is the biggest one because for me the flow is the best part of poetry - its essence. The fact that something made out of words can drag you in and almost pull you to the end - like a current, hence the term flow - amazes me. It needs to be smooth and ever-present. In general yours was okay, but its not great. There are parts where it falters, for example:

"You've met your match and hit a wall,
you wish if only one person would call!"

This made me go back over it and pulled me out of the flow for a minute. Um... The second line doesn't make any sense. "If only one person could call!" would make sense but it would be completely out of rhythm so I'd recommend re-wording this part completely.
This part:

"And who knows what you'll be doing this time of next year,
you're all the more busy this time, you can't possibly steer."

This part, for me at least, can't find a way to be rhythmic in my mind :') Taking out "this time" makes it slightly better but it still doesn't work very well. It's another thing I'd consider re-wording.

"You stopped over here, then over there,
you feel as if no one no longer cares."

This doesn't make sense in my head. And it has no rhythm; it rhymes but it might as well be:

"You stopped over here, then over there,
fkdjasfnklaejcndklnvanlsefknadsknvclafkldnklafnldaf cares."

See? Rhyming isn't everything. It still has to have rhythm. Changing the second line to
"You feel as if no one cares to care." Is something worth considering.

I'm sorry if you feel I've dissected your poetry, because I've had reviewers rewrite stories for me in their reviews, and I know how that can be incredibly annoying. I'm just trying to help, and I hope I did. Overall I think you did well here; it's funny, it mostly has rhythm and it relates well to everyone. It made me smile
Keep writing.

Yours in ink,
The Shauzer.