Next to you is where I should be.
I want to be back in that night again.
I need to be back in your heart.
We are so close, yet so far.
Far apart as ever, close in our thoughts as never before.
Our one mistake became our outlier.
.
What do you want from me?
You try to cut off an eternal heartstring of mine that belongs to you.
You're a beautiful disaster I can't help fall for.
It's your eyes that get me.
But it's your eyes that say so much.
Still your mouth won't tell me anything.
.
We're ordinary but complicated.
Happy yet sad.
Our emotions can match or differ at a moment's passing.
We're antonyms to each other.
You can't make sense without either word, but each word still means something standing alone.
.
Make it to me.
That's what you said you'd do.
I'm not foolish, you strayed away when things got deep.
You let me down so deep I drowned in a pool of my own tears.
You had tears too.. instead you sailed away with your feelings.
Too much of a good thing, can't be good for long.
.
Now we're just hazy with distant thoughts of each other.
I string my thoughts together in words,
You haven't created anything with yours yet.
There's no deadline, no expiration date with these.
Just empty lovers with big hearts.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Lmao. Can I say an acronym on here? Will the writing gods allow that? Either way, I saw your Sam Smith references. "Make it to Me", "Good Thing"... those are both songs of his. It could be a coincidence but they occur within the same stanza so probably not likely.
Anyways, I've experienced the phenomenon of the outlier lover, and it is definitely is a bit of a roller coaster. I could relate to the poem well. Overall it was relatable and sufficient for a good read, but it could be greatly improved. I absolutely hate when people nitpick my poems because my writing is MY writing for a reason. I won't do that to you; I just have a few suggestions. A few lines such as "We were so close, yet so far" are a bit cliché and honestly cheesy. We're writers here! You can do better than that overused phrase! Love is a widely felt emotion in which all humans experience from one time or another. Obviously similar words would describe the same experience. However, poets draw attention to the smaller aspects of a widely experienced events and force people to reflect upon them. Your poem attempts to do this, and you have the makings of a better writer. I would personally just reflect a bit more about what you are trying to convey to the reader. Think about what you want the reader to take away from the poem... force them to experience that "sit back in their chair and go 'huh never thought of that before'" moment.
I apologize for the rant. I hope I didn't offend you; you have potential to better the poem. Anyone in this society is already more observant and feeling than many of the individuals in the world.
Best Wishes,
Emily
Hahaha, I'm actually glad someone noticed that! I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but I listend to his album while writing this poem here so there was a big influence. Thanks for the sympathy as well, I will take a closer look at this one though. It was kinda one I just threw together and wanted to say something. Thanks again!!
BOOM! *appears in a dramatic explosion of smoke*
That was touching! And quite relatable too. Not everyone has an "outlier lover" in their lives (or don't yet) but there are so many other ways to interpret this poem. The wording is poetic without overdoing it, which I appreciate. I know firsthand how hard it is to find a balance.
The lines: "You let me down so deep I drowned in a pool of my own tears./ You had tears too... instead you sailed away" were a stroke of genius!
But as ever with poetry, now we get to NITPICKING:
You need to go back and re-configure the lines so that they are all at least a similar length. The rhythm is inconsistent and it breaks up the flow of the poem, making it harder to read. It doesn't... how do I express this... it doesn't roll off the tongue nicely. Poems without a rhyme scheme need to focus especially hard on meter. The pauses are in the wrong places, which detracts from the poemy-ness of it all. It think, however, if you set yourself a rough goal of "this many syllables per line" and then just re-punctuate it, it would be all fixed.
Reiterating... Well-balanced... relatable... touching... genius... rolling tongues...
Yeah I think it's all covered. So as always, keep writing!
-ladcat13
Thanks so much! I'll take a look at retouching it.