Another trail of unheard thoughts,
another day will do,
that you keep me waiting,
to hear from on you.
~
"To hear from only you" I plead,
is all that you may hear.
"To be understood by you" I think,
is all that I can fathom.
~
Now if I was to be heard by you,
would it really matter?
~
Would it leave my lying empty on the ground,
crushed by you again?
~
I try, and try, and try, and try,
the limit does not persist,
that I do not stop thinking about you,
and if you'll ever understand.
~
All those times I took you in,
or all those that I hurt you.
Do you remember any of these,
or is it only me?
~
For if it really was only me,
how then did they happen?
Was a part of you missing,
drifting slowly away from me?
~
And if that isn't the case,
then how do you still live?
For I am only half living,
my other half is with you.
~
If that is where my other half is,
what have you done with it?
~
If it's inside of you, then how is it dead?
Are you dead? Is your heart?
Are you really here?
~
My thoughts I've gained on through I've known you,
have left me to conclude,
that you are very broken,
and I dare say I am too.
~
It's what I gained when I lost you,
that meant the most me.
~
The one piece that I do not have,
remains somewhere unknown.
~
For I am not the only one missing a piece,
why you have lost one too.
~
Where have our missing pieces gone?
Where is the unheard?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hi there! You asked me to review so here I am! (keep asking I'll always agree) Good job! I liked your format very much...it was sort of different and it wasn't exactly one specific format but that didn't bother me at all.
I would watch some of your questions that you added to the poem. It got a little repetitive for me at some parts and I tended to get slightly confused (but only slightly). I would lesson the amount of questions but you don't have to. Besides that, good job! Keep writing!
Thanks!
Timmy here
The first thing I thought when clicking on this link: Woah! That picture could really go, I think. The point in writing is to create the image with words - not just hand out the picture to your readers. Doing that breaks one of the purposes of writing. I would remove it, since the poem doesn't need it to give the message. ^.^
So, I get what you're saying here. But at the same time, I don't get it. Thoughts are already unheard, aren't they? Your thoughts are heard by you and you alone. No one else shares in them.
technical: leave me
So you know what my biggest issue is with this piece? Yeah, you got it. How you worded your idea. When I read this piece, I was impressed with the originality of the idea, and there were a lot of sub-ideas present in your writing, such as the "half of me with you" part, but I think the wording could really be worked on. Let's look at this poem in a different light - formatting it like an essay rather than poetry.
I don't know if other people saw this poem this way or not, but to me, it seemed as though there needed to be more life infused into it. You have the emotions inlaid into the heart of this piece. Yes, that part of this is done very well. But there seems to be something missing, something that would make this seem more like poetry than just cute essay lines. You need some imagery in this. You need for us to have a picture.
Giving the reader an image in poetry isn't about setting a scene. It's about setting an emotion, really. Giving your reader a picture isn't just about telling them the house was red, but in poetry, more like telling your reader how much the house meant to you - which, to me, is an image as well, but more like a mental image. One we can see with our heart and mind rather than just imagination. So just making your words stronger really helps the piece. Using more powerful verbs always makes a piece stronger in every way. Like the line I pulled out above has is as the verb and am as the other... which aren't strong at all. Work on your verbs, creating a stronger movement. Work on your adjectives a bit, too. Having perfect word choice is very difficult to obtain, but very possible. Good luck.
I am sorry this review hasn't been more helpful. To tell you the truth, I don't review poetry very often and so my reviews are quite forced and I find it difficult to find things to say. But I hope you find something of worth in these lines of gibberish I have given you. I really did like this poem, and I liked the idea so, so much. Many of your lines were truly powerful and moving, and while I think you could strengthen the poem by strengthening your words... you still did an amazing job.
Keep typing away, as always.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks
Nice work!
I really enjoyed this and I loved the rhyme. I felt so much emotion coming from this and the words you used went SO smoothly. 
You are obviously a gifted poet. Just two things that I noticed;
)
This is truly great.
is all that you many hear. (I'm not sure what you meant by 'many' in this sentence.
that ment most of the time. (You misspelled 'ment'. It's 'meant')
Hardly any mistakes at all!
Keep writing!
~BookWolf
hahaa, typo, oops!! It was supposed to be may not many. Thank you though!!
Well hello there, chap! Unknown391625 here with another review.
Here is cold, harsh truth. I LOVE IT! Good job with this. It fills you with emotion and feeling. It leaves you with the question, "Where is the unheard?" That's the perfect ending line to it. The photo in the beginning was a little too much. It didn't really add the icing on the cake, but it's not a crime. I really like to vocabulary. You did rhyme a couple times, but not a lot. I have written poems before, and it's really hard to rhyme with big words like those. Otherwise, good job! I would like to see more of your work! Don't give up and always write, musicandme!
-Unknown391625 (A.K.A Edgar Allan Poe)
Thank you!!!
Hey!
It fits really well with the poem.
You have written a very sentimental and beautiful piece. I really like it because I can relate to it.
I like the way the poem evolves and how each verse represents a feeling. I can feel the frustration.
I would fix this verse because it's very confusing, especially the first part of the sentence:
"My thoughts I've gained on through I've known you,
have actually been so short."
Also, I love the picture you choose
I can't wait to see more of your work.
Thank you very much!!!
Oh, and I fixed the one part
Hey there musicandme,
I really liked this poem and it has a great although sad tone to it. I also like how you separated each stanza. In conclusion I must say that you did a very nice job with this piece. Keep writing and I hope to see more of your work. Have a great day and good luck with everything that you write!