Seconds became minutes,
and minutes became hours,
that I sat alone waiting in the dark.
~
I chose my battles,
I carried my rage
to face a fight that put me in a cage.
~
A cage of fears,
a cage of fright,
a cage full of anything to haunt me in the night.
~
Along came a feeding everyday too,
a feeding of fear, you heard me right.
~
For you were the fear in the middle of the night,
a very cruel monster who didn't treat me right.
~
I didn't then know this,
who the monster was,
the monster could have been you, or maybe it was me.
~
The monster succeeded to bring me to new places,
not places of joy, but places with cases.
~
Cases of trial, cases of might,
cases of anything that could choke me tight.
~
A horror I went through,
a nightmare last night,
a nightmare of something that wasn't quite right.
~
I had to be unleashed, from this one cage,
but who knows when and who knows how?
Am I the latest victim you've devoured right now?
~
Am I your true love, or am I your worst fright?
Am I your monster too?
Is this what we do?
~
I then awoke with a sense of a feeling,
a sense of true value, a sense of true meaning.
~
You were the monster,
you weren't right.
~
You really were the monster,
the monster who didn't treat me right.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
This was a great poem! It had good imagery to show exactly how the speaker felt. The meter and rhyme scheme were good. I also really liked your word choice.
The only area in the poem that I thought the rhyme could be improved was here:
"I didn't then know this,
who the monster was,
the monster could have been you, or maybe it was me."
In the rest of your poem, the last word in the second line rhymes with the last word in the second line, like:
"A horror I went through,
a nightmare last night,
a nightmare of something that wasn't quite right."
Here, night rhymes with right, but in the other stanza, was doen't rhyme with me. But that isn't a big deal, really. You had a fantastic poem that I really liked!
Thank you!!!!
Hey there just dropping off a quick review for your beautiful poem!
First i would just like to say great job. I really liked this piece and i can really relate to this.
Although there are a few issues i don't nitpick when it comes to the small things but looking past those flaws this in all is an amazing piece. I think that you have a great talent for writing and that once you fix the few little mistakes although you will never be perfect which no one will ever be you can move on to great heights and really take off. The choice is yours of course but i think that a writing carrier would be great for you. Keep writing and i hope to see more of your work. Great job and good luck with everything that you write.
Thank you so much, I'm inspired. I'll see what I can do about the little things (;
Hello, Castiel Here! Awesome job! i love the poem. the only thing i didn't like about it was that some of it rhymed and some of it didn't, but i think that's just because i have OCD when it comes to that. Haha...
Anyways, it was very eerie and i loved it overall. I felt entranced into it and it reminded me of abusive relationships. How that both people can contribute in an abusive relationship. (because of the You part) It was very well-put together. Good Job and keep writing!
Hello, Castiel Here! Awesome job! i love the poem. the only thing i didn't like about it was that some of it rhymed and some of it didn't, but i think that's just because i have OCD when it comes to that. Haha...
Anyways, it was very eerie and i loved it overall. I felt entranced into it and it reminded me of abusive relationships. How that both people can contribute in an abusive relationship. It was very well-put together. Good Job and keep writing!
Thank you!
Hey! Huda here, for a review.
The poem is good and I appreciate your writing skill. I notice that you are new to YWS so its really awesome that you came out with such a nice work. The idea is real good and the way you've conveyed it. But there are a few suggestions I would like to give:
1)"that I sat alone waiting all in the dark." The 'all' in this verse is quite off the way. But its just a suggestion.
2) "to fight a fight that put me in a cage." This repetitiveness of word, in my point of view, puts a bad impact on the beauty of the poem. Another word, if added, can set the thing right.
3)"A horror I went through," I think there should be 'the' instead of 'A'. I mean that makes more sense.
4)"For you were the fear in the middle of the night,
a very cruel monster who didn't treat me right." This shows that the monster is actually the person you are addressing this poem to (as you've used 'you') but then as the poem proceeds, you yourself gets confused about the ideas as you say:"who the monster was,
the monster could have been you, or maybe it was me." This creates a little confusion in the reader's mind.
5)"The monster succeeded to bring to new places," Here, you should include 'me' after 'bring' as to get the reader more clear.
Overall, this poem was great and I loved your ending. It was great. Do reply to this review so I can know how you felt about it. Don't take them as criticisms but mere suggestions that can help you. I will waiting for more literary works by your side.
Hi, thanks for the review!! Right, I might fix up a few things, but I did want to actually create suspense and confusion, that's the way it actually happened. I have a few more poems I've written with a similar topic, hope you like them when they come out!
Hey! Huda here, for a review.
The poem is good and I appreciate your writing skill. I notice that you are new to YWS so its really awesome that you came out with such a nice work. The idea is real good and the way you've conveyed it. But there are a few suggestions I would like to give:
1)"that I sat alone waiting all in the dark." The 'all' in this verse is quite off the way. But its just a suggestion.
2) "to fight a fight that put me in a cage." This repetitiveness of word, in my point of view, puts a bad impact on the beauty of the poem. Another word, if added, can set the thing right.
3)"A horror I went through," I think there should be 'the' instead of 'A'. I mean that makes more sense.
4)"For you were the fear in the middle of the night,
a very cruel monster who didn't treat me right." This shows that the monster is actually the person you are addressing this poem to (as you've used 'you') but then as the poem proceeds, you yourself gets confused about the ideas as you say:"who the monster was,
the monster could have been you, or maybe it was me." This creates a little confusion in the reader's mind.
5)"The monster succeeded to bring to new places," Here, you should include 'me' after 'bring' as to get the reader more clear.
Overall, this poem was great and I loved your ending. It was great. Do reply to this review so I can know how you felt about it. Don't take them as criticisms but mere suggestions that can help you. I will waiting for more literary works by your side.
<gez>
I love it when you repeat phrases in the poem. It shows emphasis of an idea.
I also love the thrill I felt as I read the poem. There is fear, trembling and even excitement. The idea of asking whether the speaker or the other person is the monster, the shift of time and events (like from thinking, asking, then coming into conclusion), it fits just right.
But...
There seem to be contrasting ideas laid in the poem:
Stanza 2
(I chose my battles,
I carried my rage
to fight a fight that put me in a cage.)
These lines tell me that it was a voluntary act you did. You chose the battle and you chose to fight. But,
last stanza
(You really were the monster,
the monster who didn't treat me right.)
These lines now put the blame to the other party. The way s/he treated you should have not mattered since from the very beginning it was you who chose the battle. It now sounds to me that from the start you knew it was a bait but still you chose to bite it.
...
But you just actually made this poem so interesting and lovely. It is so unpredictable and readers would really want to stick their eyes on the piece. I really have read it over and over.
JOB WELL DONE!
Thanks for the review!! However, I sadly did fall into this knowing what might happen, although this person in the end did make the wrong desicions. I might change up a few things, but thanks again!!
That is really cool. Love it. <3. Like I said before jealousy of your poem talents!
Aww, haha thanks!!!
Your welcome =P