z

Young Writers Society


16+

You Promised Me

by nishthabawa2896


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Despite of that lie

You are not at all sorry

I loved you from my soul

But you hate me for my body

The string that attached us

Got loosen by a fuss

Now it's my turn

To teach you a lesson

You promised me to be together

You promised to lay by my side

You broke up for that harlot

Who ditched you for that fat guy

You promised me to be together

You promised to lay by my side

You broke up for that harlot

Who ditched you for that fat guy

You made love to me

I caught you on bed with her

You always lied to me and

I loved you like a maniac

I thought we would live forever

But you said me it was never

I gave you that gold ring

And you threw it in the river

Despite of that lie

You are not at all sorry

I loved you from my soul

But you hate me for my body

I miss that night, with you on my side

Kissing all night long, and held me so tight

Was it all fake my love, didn’t you ever felt for me

Or have I never got you as all mine…… mine…….

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935 Reviews

Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:46 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Nishthabawa,

Shady here with a review for you on this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team. Poetry isn't really my strong suit but I see that this poem has been kicking around the Green Room for a while, so I'll try my best to help you out!

But you said me it was never


I think you're missing a word from this line? It's not super clear to me what you're trying to convey in this line.

Otherwise, that's all I noticed. This was a really good poem! It was sad, but that's what it was meant to be. I liked how clear you made it what you were talking about. A lot of poems are so abstract and I have such a hard time following what they're talking about -- but this was just pure, raw emotion. I knew with certainty what you were talking about, and it allowed me to focus on the emotion you wanted to convey.

I think one thing you could maybe improve is imagery. You don't really use a lot of metaphors or similes in this, which is fine, but I think it'd be a stronger work if you really worked on strengthening the imagery behind all of it.

I think that's all I have for now! Hope you're having a lovely day!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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130 Reviews

Points: 467
Reviews: 130

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Sun Dec 02, 2018 10:19 pm
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AutoPilot wrote a review...



Hello! Autopilot here to review your poem 😁

So first, I want to point out the positive things! I like your formatting, your verses are consistent on length, you have a loose rhyming scheme that flows very well overall. I like the concept you're portraying here, it's a classic work about love and cheating and hurt; one that has been done a lot, but so differently each time.

Now, onto our constructive criticism!

Spelling, Please, and grammar

Your spelling is just fine, there are a few words that are used wrong, and a few lines that need to be reworded: but we'll get to those in due time. Grammar can really get lost when it comes to poetry; sometimes fragment or runon sentences are needed. And it really doesn't seem to apply fully to what you've done here. It's good that you're consistent with capitalizing your first letter of each verse, and you're also consistent with your lack of grammar.

Other Such Things
Okay, so you've got some words that you've used incorrectly, and some sentences that need to be reworded because of it. I'm going to go through a few of them, but possibly not all.

1. "Despite of that lie"
You used this sentence twice, and despite is used incorrectly in both. To make it correct you can either at "in spite of that lie," or you can say "despite that lie," without the of.

2. "I loved you from my soul
But you hate me for my body"

You switched tense here. You could either change it to loved/hated, or love/hate.

3. "thought we would live forever
But you said me it was never"

I understand that this was done to keep the rhyme scheme up, but it is grammatically incorrect and it ends up throwing off the flow and hurting the scheme.

So, overall, it's good. It just needs some work and it will be good to go.

Good luck and keep on writing,
Autopilot




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162 Reviews

Points: 1865
Reviews: 162

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Wed Nov 21, 2018 9:05 pm
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FireSpyGirl says...



Hi there!
This is a really, really good poem! I love it! One line needs a little work, and that is this one:
"Got loosen by a fuss" I would say "Loosened." It makes more sense that way, and it flows better too.

That's all I noticed!

Keep up the amazing work!





You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling