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Woh muskurana tera yaad aaya

by nishthabawa2896

teri jhuki nazarein mera dil le gayi

chunari lehrakar meri rooh chooh gayi

chehra tera itna haseen hai

payal chankayi, aur meri zindagi badal gayi

woh muskurana tera yaad aaya

yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya

teri yaadon ne gher liya mujhe janejaan

ki woh itrana tera yaad aaya

haath thaam lete mera zindagi bhar ke liye

kyun chod diya mujhe anjaani rahon par

bebas kiya teri aahat ne mujhe

ki phir baahon mein tera aana yaad aaya

woh muskurana tera yaad aaya

yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya

teri aankhon ne churaya mera dil

neendein churai teri baaton ne

mere lafzon ko tu samajh na payi

na suni awaaz mere jasbaaton ki

der se hee sahi, dil ko tha tujhpe yakin

tujhe paane ki daudh mein bhaag raha tha

magar kho gaya hun ab main kahin

ki tera yun chale jana yaad aaya

woh muskurana tera yaad aaya

yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya

aaj bhi baitha hun issi aas mein

chale aaye tu kahin se

yaadon ko bator raha hun wahin par

jahan sajaye the kayi sapne

woh muskurana tera yaad aaya

yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya

teri yaadon ne gher liya hai janejaan

ki woh itrana tera yaad aaya

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:16 am
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Nishthabawa2896!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

First things first, I don't speak Hindi. YWS primarily consists of English users, and it isn't a surprise that this piece was in here for so long. I suggest maybe editing this in order to include an English translation, in order to make it easier for our English readers. Google translate isn't such a reliable source (and is also the only source i currently have to work with). So because of this, I apologize for such a short review and I also apologize if I get anything wrong.

From what I /was/ able to pick up is that there was a lot of repetition (including that of the ines regarding the word "smile", but google translate might have gotten that wrong, too). I suggest being a little bit more original, and presenting something new to the table instead of repeating information that the reader has already absorbed.

I also picked up that there were quite a few cliche love lines that have already been done to death. Try to be original, and if you choose to keep these lines, try make use of imagery and metaphor, in order to make the song/poem a little more unique.

My translator picked up some biblical/religious allusions, which although I cannot understand very well, I like and appreciate the use of them.

Sorry that there wasn't much to cover. Again, I don't speak Hindi. I hope that my review at least somewhat helped you improve, however, and have a great day! ^-^

User avatar
40 Reviews

Points: 106
Reviews: 40

Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:45 am
Sharon1407 wrote a review...

Arre waah! Bahut khoob.. haha.. Actually that was a bit of filmy reaction, I know.. It is a very nice poem.. but I think that's the first hindi poem I am reading on this site.. A bit too romantic I presume.. But I guess that's fine when you just write down your thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc. The wordings could have been a bit more organised.. I suggest this be made into a song.. It will work very well..Overall, good effort.. Thank You:)

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thanks a lot for reviewing my work and I will definitely work upon the suggestions in my future works :)

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