This is Kaos here for a review!
One of the first things I noticed was the choice of repetition in the poem and I don't think that it did anything to benefit it. It made the lines feel less connected and made each stanza feel same-y in what it was doing. Having all of your lines start with the same thing isn't always something that benefits the poem, and it doesn't work here. It just feels repetitive and rather lazy to the reader and I'd like to see some variety. It would make the lines stronger and more connected rather than them all feeling singular.
My main problem with this is that it didn't really add anything to the love poem genre. The reader has heard it all before, and it's all just backwash of what other people have said. I'm not saying to abandon it, it's just generic and I suggest trying to invent new ways of thinking about it or new images to imbue into the minds of the readers. Butterflies and heartbeats and finding a path to his heart, we've heard it, but if you expand on it, you can make it your own. Maybe those butterflies in your stomach are scratching against your insides trying to get out.
Talk about the rhythm of your heartbeat, is it fast, is it slow, what kind of tempo is it, what does it sound like, all of these are good questions and good things to try and add in. Apply your senses when you're able to, but when it's appropriate. Sometimes there are multiple things you can do, it depends on the subject. I'm not saying you can't do some senses for some things, but they might not mix as well. For example, you might talk about the smell of fire, but you won't really talk about the smell of your heart. It would be unusual but interesting if that did happen, though.
Overall, I felt that this didn't really do anything new, and I don't really think it was trying to be, but you should if you're going to take this route with the poem, then I think you should strengthen the images and connect them better. You're talking about prince charming at one point and then cloud nine and then having wings, connect your images or use something to make them more knit together. The whole "love at first sight" part was something that I didn't personally like, but it's your choice in what you want to convey. If you're going to write a poem with the theme of love, my main suggestion is to make it based off experiences rather than being all metaphorical.
You can use actual experiences of what happened to make it more personal rather than creating it all through image, it also makes it less anonymous. What I mean by anonymous is that the poem feels generic and doesn't have anything to make it distinct from other love poems at the moment. Say you add in a small thing, for example, say I had a partner and they always brought me violets or there's some sort of small thing that makes the relationship special, that's good to add to make it different. Right now, I didn't really enjoy the poem, but I feel there's potential for this to be turn into something better than it is now.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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