Walk away with me

Hello, you're in great luck because I'm here to review your story...

I hope you like my review, and also I hope you liked it here at YWS.

First of all I really like the repetition in this poem, that is some kind of figurative language which poems have to have figurative language so you're good.

Though, I feel like you can bring out some emotions even more. My advice is that you think about each word you use every time one at a time, because you're not rushed or anything so why don't you take your time.

Another thing I noticed is that you did way too much explanation in my opinion. That technically means that in your lines you did too much explanation that you don't need to tell the reader because the reader already knows how to do this or how to do that. Sometimes you can do that in stories and poems, but not all the time.

Another thing you could upgrade is your lines. I felt like there was not much flow in it, maybe if you would add some flow the poem will sound better. It's just a suggestion.

That's all the feedback that I will give you, for now. By and see you very very soon.

By the way, this is big word I'm going to use to describe your poem.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...

It means amazing and awesome in a big way. Anyway, enjoy your day/night.

I really live the repetition of the chorus. Its really beautiful, as is the sentiment of the poem. I can really feel your love and it is touching.

However, you can bring out the emotion even more. I live poetry because, unlike prose, it is not first filtered through the brain; it goes straight to the heart. It is able to do this because it is so dense and compact. Each word caries many times the weight if a word in prose. Right now, your poem is very descriptive, which is good, but these descriptions aren't allowing your poem to be as dense at it can be. My suggestion is that you cut your poem down to the bare bone - think about each word one at a time and decide whether you really need it. This way, you will get rid of a lot of the fluff and convey the emotion of the piece much better. I'm not saying to get rid of the descriptions (they're great) but rather make them more precise.

Another thing I noticed is that you did a lot of explaining yourself. For example you wrote:

In your arms I'll explore a new world which will give me eternal happiness.

You do not need to say "which will give me eternal happiness," that is implied. The aim is to "show, don't tell." Make the reader FEEL how happy this would make you. This way you cut out fluff and make the poem more dense and direct. This also causes the reader to really understand the emotions. Think of it as showing a video of someone drowning versus drowning yourself. Which one would make you understand the pain better? (Wow. That was really morbid. Jesus. Reading this back just gave me chills)

So I don't know if you meant to rhyme, but you seem to have set up a kind of rhyme scheme. If you didn't mean to, you can disregard the next paragraph, though I do suggest you beak up the rhymes as they are kind of distracting when there is no clear pattern.

So you kind of set up a rhyme scheme when you rhyme night and light in the first stanza. The reader then expects the lines with hide and life to rhyme, but they don't. This is very distracting. Generally you want to set up a pattern and stick to it. The exception is when there is a change in the subject or thought of a poem. This is called a "turn." You see it at the end of Shakespearean sonnets. Since your poem doesn't change, I recommend picking a rhyme scheme and sticking with it.

Another thing you should think about if you do end up keeping this as a rhyming poem is the length of your lines. To make it flow well with rhyme, they should all be around the same number of syllables. Even if you don't end up making this a rhyming poem, I suggest breaking up some of the long lines with line breaks. Line breaks are a form of punctuation unique to poetry and they add a whole new layer of depth. A good place to put them is where you would naturally pause when reading. To figure this out I suggest you have read your poem out loud and note where you pause. You could also have someone read it to you and see where they pause. You can also put a line break somewhere that directly disrupts the flow of words and the way you would naturally talk. This way you highlight the area after the break and make it stand out in a way that you can't in prose.

Oh! I just came up with (what I think) is a good idea. What if you fixed the rhyme in the chorus and then made the verses completely free verse? This would highlight the difference between the verses and the chorus and make the versus stand out. Oh I'm excited just thinking about it!

Wow. That was long. Overall I really liked your poem and I can't wait to see more of your writting!

Hey! Geeky here!

I love this poem! it is really something that I can relate to! there were only a few things that I wanted to comment on.

"As it was, is and will be only your right for rest of the life"

I do not like the, the in "rest of the life"
I think it should just be the rest of life.

Also "dawn light" bothers me a little. It confuses my eyes, but I think it might just be your style of writing.

other then those couple of things, this is an amazing poem! keep up the good work and never stop writing!

I look forward to reading more of your work:)

your friend,
Geeky