teri jhuki nazarein mera dil le gayi
chunari lehrakar meri rooh chooh gayi
chehra tera itna haseen hai
payal chankayi, aur meri zindagi badal gayi
woh muskurana tera yaad aaya
yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya
teri yaadon ne gher liya mujhe janejaan
ki woh itrana tera yaad aaya
haath thaam lete mera zindagi bhar ke liye
kyun chod diya mujhe anjaani rahon par
bebas kiya teri aahat ne mujhe
ki phir baahon mein tera aana yaad aaya
woh muskurana tera yaad aaya
yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya
teri aankhon ne churaya mera dil
neendein churai teri baaton ne
mere lafzon ko tu samajh na payi
na suni awaaz mere jasbaaton ki
der se hee sahi, dil ko tha tujhpe yakin
tujhe paane ki daudh mein bhaag raha tha
magar kho gaya hun ab main kahin
ki tera yun chale jana yaad aaya
woh muskurana tera yaad aaya
yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya
aaj bhi baitha hun issi aas mein
chale aaye tu kahin se
yaadon ko bator raha hun wahin par
jahan sajaye the kayi sapne
woh muskurana tera yaad aaya
yun chupkar sharmana tera yaad aaya
teri yaadon ne gher liya hai janejaan
ki woh itrana tera yaad aaya
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello there, Nishthabawa2896!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
First things first, I don't speak Hindi. YWS primarily consists of English users, and it isn't a surprise that this piece was in here for so long. I suggest maybe editing this in order to include an English translation, in order to make it easier for our English readers. Google translate isn't such a reliable source (and is also the only source i currently have to work with). So because of this, I apologize for such a short review and I also apologize if I get anything wrong.
From what I /was/ able to pick up is that there was a lot of repetition (including that of the ines regarding the word "smile", but google translate might have gotten that wrong, too). I suggest being a little bit more original, and presenting something new to the table instead of repeating information that the reader has already absorbed.
I also picked up that there were quite a few cliche love lines that have already been done to death. Try to be original, and if you choose to keep these lines, try make use of imagery and metaphor, in order to make the song/poem a little more unique.
My translator picked up some biblical/religious allusions, which although I cannot understand very well, I like and appreciate the use of them.
Sorry that there wasn't much to cover. Again, I don't speak Hindi. I hope that my review at least somewhat helped you improve, however, and have a great day! ^-^
Arre waah! Bahut khoob.. haha.. Actually that was a bit of filmy reaction, I know.. It is a very nice poem.. but I think that's the first hindi poem I am reading on this site.. A bit too romantic I presume.. But I guess that's fine when you just write down your thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc. The wordings could have been a bit more organised.. I suggest this be made into a song.. It will work very well..Overall, good effort.. Thank You:)
thanks a lot for reviewing my work and I will definitely work upon the suggestions in my future works