Chapter 9: Well-wishers and pure evil
(Location: landing platform, Time: 1:00 p.m.)
The airship began to hum, as its engines came alive. Splora walked up to Molly and Quince.
“I would like to speak with Molly alone. So if you don’t mind, why don’t you board Quince?” she enquired politely. Quince nodded and took his leave. Molly turned and faced her sister.
“Molly I want you to think things over on this trip. Life is moving on rapidly. You are getting older. This issue was resolved quickly because Quitor is chief of police. Otherwise you know things could have been more complicated.”
“I know,” replied Molly, “but I am not like you Splora. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have any talents. The only thing I have is Quince. When I am with him I am actually happy.”
Splora smiled warmly. “Then take things to the next step. Don’t wait for anyone’s approval.”
“You mean father, don’t you? Splora, you don’t know how it feels to be shunned by him. He has always appreciated you. I still have hope, that one day he will love me too. I bet he already does. Deep down he does care.”
Splora tried to object but Molly simply kissed her on the cheeks and hugged her goodbye. Splora had no choice but to smile and wave Molly off.
“Poor sister, if only, you knew the truth. You wouldn’t waste your time waiting for father’s affections.”
(Location: Phoenix Cooperation, Time: 1:15 p.m.)
Sarah stood patiently in the lift. She made sure to unbutton the top four buttons of her shirt. If the receptionist had seen her like that, she would have never been allowed in. But no matter; she could always get herself ready at this point.
She arrived at the top floor of the building that housed Phoenix Cooperation. The whole floor was a lavish office made for the leader of the Cooperation, Phoenix Silver. He was only two years older than her at twenty four.
Due to his grandfather’s death he had inherited Phoenix Cooperation at a young age. He was a dear friend and at times more. She walked in through the middle of the huge room and made her way to the other side. When she got halfway she saw the familiar set of sofas that were laid out, to form a circular enclosed area.
Phoenix was already walking over to greet her. He was dressed in his usual attire of a smart silver coat and suit, with his jet black hair neatly styled to fit his dress code. As always she noticed his charming smile and the three million dollar watch that clutched his left hand above the wrist.
“Sarah, how nice to see you. What brings you here? Not that you are not always welcome,” insisted Phoenix as he gestured for her to sit down. Behind him a robot made its way to the side. It wore the typical attire of a human butler. It almost looked like one too, aside from the fact that its stomach opened to reveal a refrigerator stocked with two bottles of expensive wine.
Sarah jumped onto one of the sofas opposite Phoenix and got herself comfortable.
“I was thinking we haven’t had sex in a while. Let’s get to it. Say the word and I can strip in two seconds.” She announced proudly.
“Wow, sex straight off the bat. You must really need something. What is it?”
“Well, it’s about the House of Elrah burning down. See I happen to know some stuff about it. For starters the attackers are heavily armoured and armed. They have armoured vans as well. Plus they have considerable numbers at their disposal.”
Phoenix looked worried. “As always Sarah, I am worried for you. This looks like an extreme case. Must you take this? Anyway how do you know the details?”
“Oh there was a survivor and she is at my place. She told me everything. Anyway I need a car. It needs to be a fast model with blacked out windows. Plus it needs to be a flying car. It would be great if you could stock it with class B weapons. Possibly two class A weapons as well. Also I need a professional disguising kit. My last few ones have expired. Do you think you can do that?”
“As always I will supply what you need.” replied Phoenix as he shook his head. Sarah smiled broadly.
“Oh that’s great. Seducing… I mean hooking up with you was one of the best things I ever did.”
(Location: Valcarry 1)
Lucas sat silently in his chair as David Jones pondered on his thoughts. He had described everything about the night before except for when the woman had risen. That part would only make him seem insane. Instead Lucas had invented some story about him heroically rescuing the woman and making it out all by himself. A man in suit came running up.
“Mr David Jones we are currently in the clouds.”
“I can see that you hippo-brained dimwit” replied an agitated David Jones.
“Yes sir. We rose because there was increased air traffic above central city. Since Valcarry 1 is so big we rose higher into the clouds sir.” informed the man.
“Right, I get it, I get it already. We are in the clouds. So what about it?” questioned David Jones.
“Well sir, ten airships followed suit. We kept rising but so did they.” replied the man respectfully.
“Well what do you want me to do about that?”
“Well sir they are currently surrounding us. We messaged them but contact has been cut off. I believe we are under attack.” said the man in a very calm and casual way.
“Okay I get it already; we are under attack, boo hoo…. What! Ahh, we are under attack. Quick you, inform the leader, hurry!”
“But sir, that’s you”
“Ahhh I am the leader. Do something…” David Jones looked over at Lucas’s expression and suddenly he realised he was not alone. He collected himself. He rose and corrected his posture as if to attain the self-respect he carried before creaming out like a monkey.
“Men, to your stations! Get the captain and tell him to go into formation wussy turtle. Lucas my boy, not to worry. I was not actually alarmed. I just do that to scare my men; they always get scared... don’t you?” David Jones pointed his wooden stick at the man in suit.
“Uh, yes sir. We are always afraid.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there!
Okay, this chapter was a bit jumpy. It goes from one part to another and each is rather short. But despite that, it was very interesting. I especially like the first part. You did a good job of digging deep into Molly's soul and showing us why she is the way she is. It's also interesting how Splora seems to know so much about her sister's relationship with her father. I hope we get to figure that out soon.
So I think you rushed the -- I'm going to call it a sex scene even though it's not -- sex scene with Sarah and Phoenix. I mean, if Sarah really wanted to have sex with him, wouldn't she at least try to get him in the mood instead of jumping straight to answers? Maybe she could've tried to seduce him or at least set up the room to be in a romantic mood or something and then ask him questions while they're -- preparing to do it? (this part of the review is getting kind of awkward...) Yeah, that's what I think about that.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Myst,
I apologize for the super late review. Anyway let's get down to buisness.
Scene 1 ,
I really don't have any problems here. this part is very good. you have portrayed Molly as very naive. Her sister as a liitle more out-of-the-box. There's also the fact that you succesfully managed to showcase a sense of eagerness into the reader with the last statment which seems to provide information that the Dad mght have a bigger part in here.
Scene 2,
Sarah's eagerness in performing copulation
I really don't get this part. Maybe it's just me. Sarah's so desperate to make a whore ( forgive th language) of herself to Mr Pheonex which makes the reader think what she wants is really important to her ( which is) but she doesn't actually go around with it and provides the information up front. the whole thing could've gone well without the sex part because Mr. Pheonex sems to regard her as a friend already.
I don't have any right to say what could've looked right and what not but if you want to include the sex part then why not go over it then provide what Sarah wants.
But hey, it's just me. you don't have to neccessarily listen to me.
science stuff
there are some vivid representations to prove that the future has improved daily life. a few of the lines such as this--
this is quite good. and I hope you show more of this.
yet there are some stuff which don't look quite realistic. for example this--
I felt the need for more tight descriptions of this stuff. because it looks quite juvenile like this. because when say flying car it really sounds outlandish but when you say "aviating" car, it provides a more linear understandng of the future.
scene 3,
I really don't have much to say here other tha the fact that I find some of David Jones antics a little cliche. for example here,
I simply ain't getting what he's trying to say.
Overall, this quite good and I'm proud of your potential to provide suh a captivating tale.
Now, I'm off to read chp 10.
GOOD luck,
Puck