Chapter 3: Trouble at every turn
(Location: Phoenix City, Mayor’s Mansion, Time: 10:25 p.m.)
Mayor Silver Burn was speaking casually to a friend on his mobile, when his line was cut off. Through it, spoke the electronic voice of Cyber Dean.
“I have researched the Red Dragon. You asked me clues as to his identity, but the task was too easy for the money you gave me. So I went ahead and found out who he is. His name is Quince Smith.”
“So the rumours are true. There is no lie about your skill, but I think for once you have it wrong. Quince Smith is a lawyer from a well-respected family. His brother is the chief of police. Why would he be an illegal racer? How can you prove it?”
“It’s simple really. I studied the way the cars drive. There is no doubt the engine is the latest model, yet the exterior is mediocre. I thought why would someone who can afford a top engine go for a cheap look? It’s because they want to hide their wealth.
“So I whittled it down to all the rich people in this city. Then I looked at the way the Red Dragon drove. I could tell there was a lot of natural talent, along with years of practice. I then researched the backgrounds of all the rich people and I found out that only thirty-six rich people are actually interested in racing and out of them only twelve spend their leisure time racing. Out of the twelve only four have been doing it for years, taking lessons, etc. Quince was one of them.
“Then I studied the people that cheer the Red Dragon on, before the start of the race. The one that is always present is a woman who wears a tight jumpsuit. She always snogs him before a race. She has prominently large breasts. Out of the four suspects only Quince dates a super model with those size breasts. I believe the woman is the super model Molly Emprarrio.
“Then I studied their schedules of work and times when they have appeared in the papers, due to Molly’s celebrity status. They are seen at night clubs and at other parties or it’s obvious when they host parties themselves. I tracked as much of their life as possible which was not that hard since one is a celebrity lawyer and the other is a celebrity. The times when the races are happening are times they are conveniently missing.
“I understand from your point of view that it is hard to believe and I admit there is a two per cent chance I am wrong. But I have years of experience of doing this kind of stuff and I can say it is them. Now all you need to do is spy on them and you will confirm what I have said. Now I will be leaving. This case is closed. If by a slight chance my prediction is wrong, then I will contact you again otherwise you won’t hear from me.” Beep.
The mayor sat in his chair. Reluctantly he called his agent. This was going to be a nasty business. He was spying on the brother of the chief of police and if he turned out to be the Red Dragon, then the situation would have to handled carefully.
(Location: House of Elrah, Time: 12:40 p.m.)
The first armoured van drove down the gate and other ten followed. The men, who got out of the vans, wore black armour with blue specs. They were heavily armed with all sorts of weapons. They started shooting at all the children, without a scrap of mercy.
Somehow the mansion caught fire and it began to spread fast. Lucas woke with a start and saw what was going on. He didn’t know why everyone was getting massacred. Lucas wanted to help, but he realised there was something he needed to do urgently.
As if by instinct he ran straight to the hospital wing. He saw the woman there sleeping peacefully, ever lost in her dreams. Through the window two men bounded in. When they saw Lucas, they locked their guns onto him and were about to take his life, when the woman awoke. Lucas did not see her eyes, but something about them seemed to scare the men. They looked shocked and began to step back. They knew who she was.
Suddenly light began to come out of the woman and it shone ever brighter until Lucas had to cover his eyes. He heard the screams of the men. He opened his eyes to find the woman collapsing to the floor. He caught her as she slumped into his arms. The two men were dead. Lucas grabbed a gun from one of the dead men and made his way out carrying the woman with him.
Every time someone came in his way, he shot them or kicked them out the way into the ever growing fire. Not one of them stood a chance against him. They must have thought he was like the other orphans who couldn’t defend themselves. He was different.
Guardiwar rushed out of the girls’ dorm and made for the gardens, where she knew a secret way out. As she crept into the overgrown bushes, she began to search for the hole underneath the huge stone walls. She heard some men shouting somewhere nearby.
“Which idiot set the house on fire? They were supposed to do that after we got the book. Damn it! What if it has already burnt away? He will have our heads for this.”
Guardiwar lay still in the bushes. They couldn’t mean her book could they? Then she heard an explosion and a lot of smoke drifted everywhere. She tried to get out, but she stumbled and hit her head on the ground. The smoke began to increase, choking her. Guardiwar slowly lost her grip on her consciousness and she gave into the dark world beyond.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Annoyed at myself for not reviewing this earlier as I had in actual fact read this one (and thought I'd reviewed it..) while I was on holiday. Anyway, most of what I was going to say has already been said; I enjoyed this chapter and thought it was nice that your scenes were slightly longer. I don't think your previous pattern of short scenes is a problem if you remember to include chapters like this every 2-4 chapters.
The first half is good because it's linking together what the reader already knows with a more advanced plot line. For example, we already know Quince is a racer, he's dating Molly and his brother is the chief of police. We also know his racing is illegal but we don't know the severity of the issue until now. That's a decent progression.
The second half is also some good stuff. Firstly I'd change that first sentence slightly from 'drove down the gate and other ten followed' to 'another ten followed'. The first paragraph could do with being longer, descriptive sentences instead of briefer sentences. Try finding other ways to structure your sentences instead of starting them with 'the' and 'they' in quick succession. That's a little nit-picky but little changes like that at the start of chapters or segments can show off your writing flair.
The story here is great, it's got more action which grips readers but much of this is unexplained. This second segment could be a lot longer than it is, you seem to move through the action very quickly and this doesn't need to be the case. I'd recommend adding much more character detail e.g how is Gaurdiwar feeling as she's in the bushes? How easy is it for Lucas to run straight to the woman instead of helping the children who are being murdered? That to me could be a more serious moral dilemma. It's easy to get carried away and want to rush through the action scenes because they're high paced in your mind but you have to make sure that your reader is getting the full impact of every single thing that happens in that scene. Focus on the little details; what colour are the trees? how thick is the smoke? This helps build up a strong picture for the reader that they can feel involved in.
As always, I enjoyed reading this Chapter and I like that it's starting to make more sense in places!
Hello Myst,
This is the best chp so far, because you stuck with one scene for the right amount of time and let action happen. you didn't jump from one scene to another. I liked that.
This part is really weird. because people usually make connections looking at faces generally and I've never heard someone drawing conclusions through looking at one's breast leaving alone the face.
I'm still not getting Lucas. maybe it's just me, I don't know.
anyway this was really good.
Puck
Hi there!
Whoa, that last part was pretty intense. I like your description of the woman, how she lit up and made the attackers nervous. If I didn't think she was important before, I know she is now. And I think it's cool that Guardiwar just picks the woman up and heads out. I think that everyone knows who this woman is whether they know it or not. Like there's this memory of her deep in their subconscious or something because they're risking their lives to keep her safe. And when she was in the hospital everyone was flocking around her. I can't wait to find out who she is and how she's linked to that book because I know she is.
I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm hooked
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
To me this is probably your best chapter because it had a nice balance of action with the girl and dialogue/set up with the detective.
If you tried basing the detective off of L from Death Note, I would make it a little less obvious. It could pretty much tell from the start. If you would delete some of his signature lines like '2 percent chance of error' for instance, and gave him a bit of a different personality it would help.
Good luck with future chapters x)