Chapter 2: All will yearn for something
(Location: England, London)
Max sent the man flying against the wall. He attempted to stand up but his legs were badly damaged by now. After a last failed attempt the man slumped to the floor unconscious. Max picked him up and threw him into his car boot. Now he could get onto their trail and find Crystal.
He was about to drive back when Farah stood in front of his car. He got out with a look of annoyance, one he was used to throwing at her these days. She too looked annoyed but it was well concealed behind a false smile.
“Wow you are quick. That Crystal must mean a lot to you if you are this fast to catch onto them. But you know what gets me is that I don’t know where I stand. If you are her shining knight in armour am I your whore then?” enquired Farah as she placed her heels on the car.
“You always did place your ego before more important things. It doesn’t matter what Crystal is to me. She got taken by those men and if I can bring her back then I am going. You too have the skill to get her back but you have decided not to go since you are jealous of her”
“Oh shut up Max. Don’t act the hero. You are always jumping from one woman to the next. I know exactly what you expect from her when you find her. But that doesn’t change a thing for me. I am going too. Believe it or not I don’t mind her that much. Besides if I was to be angry at all the women you associated yourself with then I would have to hate almost all women around. All that hating will ruin my face.”
Max shrugged and got into his car. He opened his other door as Farah let herself in.
“I don’t mind you hopping along but don’t get in my way Farah, you know how I get.”
(Location: Phoenix City, Central, Time: 11:45 a.m.)
Nicole sat nervously whilst the woman on the other side of the desk inspected her portfolio. She shook her head at Nicole.
“Wait, I have a recommendation.”
“Who is it from?”
“Uh, Mr Kerr”
“Alright get out!”
“No, you don’t understand. I got this ten years ago. When I was only twelve I got a chance to meet him and he said I was very clever and that I had a lot of potential. So he gave me this letter which he wrote and signed. There is also a portrait of a picture of me and him, here.”
The woman inspected the evidence before sighing.
“Ok, how do I put this? Look girl I am sure you are very talented but things have changed. Mr Kerr was one in a million; no scratch that, one in a billion. But since his tragic death eight years ago Kerr’s Cooperation has been plummeting. Intel Core now runs most of the things. We barely make any new inventions. We have been surviving by funding other projects, upgrading what we already had made and selling already designed products. The department that you want to join doesn’t actually exist anymore sweetheart. Mr Kerr ran that department himself. After his death no one was ever good enough to take his place. I am sorry about your dreams”
Nicole tried to protest but the woman bid her leave. Nicole left the office disappointed. Her dreams had now truly shattered. When she was twelve she had been inspired by the genius to follow her dreams of changing the world but since his death she had been lowered into the gutters. At least that was how she felt.
(Location: Phoenix City, Upper region, Time: 4:40 a.m.)
Molly awoke as her phone beeped. She got a naked Quince off her and rolled out of bed. She read the text.
“Father’s coming, but why?” she said out loud before quickly putting her hand over her mouth. She got dressed quickly and made her way out not to wake her sleeping boyfriend. Molly made her way to the top of the landing tower. It was one of the tallest towers in the city.
Her father’s airship loomed closer. Its huge engines made no sound in the vast night. Its headlights shone onto the landing platform as the exit platform extended from it. David Emprarrio (Emp-rah-rio) made his way out flanked by men in black suits with his ever present assistant at his side. He looked at Molly with a disdainful look that asked ‘why are you here?’
“Oh Father I got the text...”
“I never intended you to get any text. I would rather not have seen you right now. There was some error. Why would I want to see you? Any way how have you been spending your time?”
Molly’s face lit up as she told her father of her photo shoot that day. But his expression remained the same. Two or three times he checked his schedule while she talked.
“You call that work. Honestly you were always the useless one. Your brother manages Emprarrio Industries all over the world. You sister is a commander of the USA. And even Rootana achieved many things before her untimely death. And yet here you are coveting as a model. Honestly sometimes I think why it was not you. Ugh Like you will understand. You are dumb and useless. How can you understand what it means to hold supreme power?”
Molly’s eyes stung and a sheet of water formed over her eyes. But she did not cry. She was used to this. Her father walked away followed by his company who averted their gaze elsewhere to spare Molly more heartache. Molly was left standing alone on the landing tower.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi there
By request, I am here to review chapter 2 of your novel. As you probably already know, I am 567ajt, and in favor of your review of my work, I shall review this.
Like with your first chapter, I mostly enjoyed this chapter. Usually second chapters show a bit more development into the novel's main themes and issues, and you have done that really well here. There are certain moments that I liked, loved and downright enjoyed reading, which is a healthy variety.
So, one moment I liked.
"Max sent the man flying against the wall. He attempted to stand up but his legs were badly damaged by now. After a last failed attempt the man slumped to the floor unconscious. Max picked him up and threw him into his car boot. Now he could get onto their trail and find Crystal."
Already, this moment is action packed. It follows suit with chapter one, which is full of fast paced events. I like how you used the word "flying" to show Max's strength. He obviously wants to find Crystal, as he notices "their trail". This is very tense and the rest of your chapter is in this vain, so it's good.
Here is a moment I love from this chapter.
"Nicole tried to protest but the woman bid her leave. Nicole left the office disappointed. Her dreams had now truly shattered. When she was twelve she had been inspired by the genius to follow her dreams of changing the world but since his death she had been lowered into the gutters. At least that was how she felt."
This is exactly how I would react in this situation. And, the mention of "his death" adds to the drama. She wants to be successful to make "his" memory flourish. But, because of circumstances, she can't. This makes for an incredibly dramatic and harsh/realistic scene. She wants to solidify his memory but she can't, because her opportunities have been denied. So, his memory is still. This is incredibly sad but an excellent part of the plot. All the characters introduced are ones I care about, and you develop them in a nice way which I like.
I didn't really like, however, how you closed the chapter. I liked how Molly re-occurs, but it's the last paragraph that gets me.
"Molly’s eyes stung and a sheet of water formed over her eyes. But she did not cry. She was used to this. Her father walked away followed by his company who averted their gaze elsewhere to spare Molly more heartache. Molly was left standing alone on the landing tower."
Why is she standing alone on the tower, if we have no mention of setting?
This is a really good chapter, Mys. Hopefully the others are just as good. Great!
Hello,
Okay, I admit, now I feel more oriented as a reader now that I read Chapter Two. Thanks for getting me to read the second chapter. I really enjoy reading your works, and as I am reading, the story feels like it's getting easier to follow. Of course, I am still left with the normal question:
How are these people, and stories connected?
Well I guess I'll have to keep reading!
I have only one nitpick that isn't all that important. This sentence just seemed a little awkward: "'You sister is a commander of the USA.'" I didn't notice it at first, but you forgot the 'r' for "Your". Anyways, in this sentence saying "'Your sister is a commander of the USA.'" Just seems a little awkward, and it would flow better if you told me what she's commander for, like Army or Navy. Or you could just change the of to for.
It really, isn't a big deal.
Otherwise, great second chapter! Can't wait to read more!
-Jadefox
Greetings!
Well, I feel I don't have much to say except for a few things.
It's still full of characters doing minimal stuff and I'm not sure what is happening. It's getting a little confusing. you should elaborate each section a little more to give us the general gist.
you're descriptions and dialogues are okay and realistic.
Unlike the first chapter; I like Molly's section here. Though, I felt, that the father was throwing stuff at her daughter too directly to make it appear forced the part where he says that he hadn't sent any text was interesting and for a second it made me think that some unexpected stuff was gonna happen ( you know, like some third party interference) . But nothing happened. The father went away verbally thrashing her daughter which looked in a sense, incomplete.
I'll move on to the next one now,
Well done,
Puck
Hi there!
Okay, so I was introduced to a bunch of new characters and I'm still trying to figure out how they all fit into the story. Maybe the next few chapters will clear things up for me.
I do like you're writing style. It's very simple and makes your stories easy to read. There's also a great balance between description and dialogue. Your dialogue is realistic as well. You're a great writer.
So that last part made me feel bad for Molly. But I'm just wondering, why did her father send her a text if he didn't want to see her? Obviously he doesn't hold her high up on his list of people he likes so it seems weird for him to text her about anything. And if her father is so mean to her, what did he say in the text to get her to see him?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I'll give this a quick review before I go onto your newest chapter
“Wow (comma) you are quick. That Crystal must mean a lot to you if you are this fast to catch onto them. But you know what gets me is that I don’t know where I stand. If you are her shining knight in armour (comma) am I your whore (comma) then?”
"You too have the skill to get her back (comma) but you have decided not to go since you are jealous of her (period)”
“Oh (comma) shut up (comma) Max. Don’t act the hero. You are always jumping from one woman to the next. I know exactly what you expect from her when you find her. But that doesn’t change a thing for me. I am going too. Believe it or not (comma) I don’t mind her that much. Besides (comma) if I was to be angry at all the women you associated yourself with (comma) then I would have to hate almost all women around. All that hating will ruin my face.”
“I don’t mind you hopping along (comma) but don’t get in my way Farah, you know how I get."
“Wait, I have a recommendation.”
“Who is it from?”
“Uh, Mr Kerr”
“Alright get out!”
You should include some dialogue tags so the reader isn't confused who says what.
“Ok, how do I put this? Look (comma) girl (comma) I am sure you are very talented but things have changed. Mr Kerr was one in a million; no scratch that, one in a billion. But since his tragic death eight years ago (comma) Kerr’s Cooperation has been plummeting. Intel Core now runs most of the things. We barely make any new inventions. We have been surviving by funding other projects, upgrading what we already had made and selling already designed products. The department that you want to join doesn’t actually exist anymore (comma) sweetheart. Mr Kerr ran that department himself. After his death (comma) no one was ever good enough to take his place. I am sorry about your dreams”
So, you introduced some new characters here. Now we have quite a few stored up since the beginning of this story. I'm still confused at who the main character is, and what all these different people have in common with the central theme. But that is probably explained in later chapters.
For now I really think you should learn some comma rules, because it feels like every other sentence has an error. I corrected as many as I could, so I suggest you go though and edit this, and then figure out how to not make the same mistakes a second time. It may seem like work, but trust me, once you understand the rules it can make writing a lot easier and a lot more fun
I think this is definitely a story I can get into; I really enjoy the way you write. There's not much I think can be done to make this better but I'll try and drop a few points in to be constructive!
The first section is really easy to get into, you don't bore the reader by including too much scene setting. I love that you just pull the reader into the scene and I think the characters are quite intriguing. The only thing I would consider is what the character of Max is really trying to do because he slightly contradicts himself in the conversation. He at first appears to WANT her to come with him when he says 'You too have the skill to get her back but you have decided not to go since you are jealous of her'. However he then says 'I don’t mind you hopping along but don’t get in my way Farah, you know how I get.' It's not a big issue and it could just be a part of the character himself but I thought I'd point it out anyway. I particularly liked the dynamic between Max and Farah, it's relatable and intriguing; it's the type of relationship that is realistic and interesting to read.
The second section was concise but I don't think that's a bad thing. It provided information but it's difficult to know if it's relevant or not having not read the rest of the story yet. I'm sure you already have a plan for how this links in to the rest of your story so I wouldn't change it. It was neatly written, the only thing I reckon you could do to make it better is perhaps add a short, descriptive sentence about either Nicole or the woman's appearance. It's not essential but it may make it easier to display the scenario to the reader if there was even a small snippet of 'Nicole played with her blonde hair' to provide a picture in the readers mind. I did love the last paragraph describing how she felt after the interview, I think it was a good first insight into the character.
The last section was a good follow on from the first chapter, it provided a bit of continuity that could have been lacking if it wasn't there. The text issue is a bit confusing, I'm assuming he meant to send the text to someone else but then why is he turning up in the same building that she is in? I think you did a good job of portraying her Father and it's obvious to the reader what the Father/Daughter relationship is here. I think there's a couple of things you could do to make it slightly more subtle if you wanted to; again I wouldn't say it's necessary. You could have a look at the bit that says 'Honestly sometimes I think why it was not you. Ugh Like you will understand. You are dumb and useless.' It could be reworded to 'sometimes I wonder why it wasn't you' as that might flow slightly smoother. I think the second sentence should have a 'would' instead of 'will'. I also may recommend losing the word 'dumb', I don't reckon it adds anything to the sentence, you've already clearly shown his contempt towards his daughter and if you kept the word 'useless' I think the sentence would have the same impact.
Overall I love this so far, I'm about to go and read Chapter 3! The characters remain intriguing despite the fact there isn't huge amounts about each one. I also think you're a rather nice writer and in general you've done a good job of immersing the reader in each scenario!