Chapter 6: Truths revealed, for good or for worse
(Location: Phoenix City, Quitor’s house, Time: 10:00 a.m.)
Molly walked in cheerfully. She saw Quince sitting on the couch, with his head in his hands.
“Hey Quincy you called, what’s up?”
“I can answer that for you.” Molly jumped. She turned and saw Quitor sitting at the windowsill. She hadn’t noticed him before.
“Quitor you almost gave me a heart attack.”
“Good because the two of you have already given me reason enough to have one myself. I know about your illegal racing.” Quitor eyed them both furiously.
Molly looked shocked for a moment before she composed herself. “Ha ha ha, that’s funny….
“Cut the crap. We already have evidence. Molly how can you encourage something like this. The two of you have enough money, so why do you do this? It’s bad enough with me being Quince’s brother, but your sister is a freaking commander. And do I need to even mention your father?”
Molly turned to Quince. He looked at her all scared. There was no way out now. Quitor continued.
“I am sending Quince to a boot camp in Japan. Some touch lessons need to be learnt.”
“I am going with him,” cut in Molly.
“You really think I am gonna let you two be together…..”
“I don’t care what you think. If Quince is going so am I!” roared Molly before she stormed out the door. Quitor just looked at Quince and shook his head.
(Location: Phoenix City, Nicole’s house, Time: 10:30 a.m.)
Angel bounced into Nicole’s room and jumped onto her bed. Nicole sat typing away on her table.
“Look here Nicole. As your best friend and self-proclaimed guardian, slash everything important in your life person, I am beginning to become worried about you. I knew you were crushed after your job interview, so I gave you some time, but I was sure you were going to come out last night. Baby talk to me.”
“No you don’t get it Angel. I am so over all that.” squeaked Nicole bursting with excitement. Angel got off the bed and went over to Nicole. She knew Nicole only got like this whenever something interesting was up. She waited patiently for Nicole to explain.
“Last night my failed experiment, the nose-meter, picked up something. You know it’s supposed to detect weather patterns, but it never did that. But there was something else it was useful at. Last night it picked up strange energy readings. It was only a brief moment but the patterns were weird and abnormal. I thought it was an error, but then I studied the energy patterns and it explains the reasoning behind the weather recently, hence it is true. It’s true Angel. It’s true. And the best part is, such an abnormal reading has not been registered by anyone else, otherwise it would have come on TV by now.” beamed Nicole, with a huge smile plastered on her face. Angel smiled back warmly.
“Okay baby, if you say so. You know I never get this stuff. But what are you going to do about it?”
“I am going to trace it back, study it and then break it to the world to kick start my dreams, career and all that,” replied an ecstatic Nicole, then suddenly her face darkened as if in doubt. Angel recognised that look.
“Don’t worry; you have my support all the way. Whatever you need, you can ask me.” smiled Angel. Nicole smiled back, as she hugged her best friend.
(Location: Phoenix City, random house in the Residential district, Time: 11:00 a.m.)
Guardiwar dreamt peacefully of a hotel room. In the room she saw the same man and woman. The man was almost naked, but for a towel which was tied loosely around his waist, and reading a paper, whilst the woman got up from the bed fully naked.
“Max come back to bed. That paper is local. Why do want to know about stuff that goes on in this city anyway?” she whined scratching her left breast. Max ignored her again. He was too immersed in the newspaper or he simply didn’t care about her in the mornings.
“Ugh, I hate it when you ignore me. It seems when you are needy, I catch your attention, but once you are done, it’s back to silent cool guy. What are you reading anyway?”
“The House of Elrah has been burned down. And no one knows how it happened. It happened during the night and no one noticed. Not one person. Don’t you think that’s suspicious?” asked Max turning towards her.
Guardiwar snapped awake. How could the House of Elrah be gone? Then the events of the previous night flooded into her head. She hugged herself. Only then did she look around. She was sleeping on a sofa, with a blanket draped over her.
She was in the living room of someone’s house. The table had takeaway boxes stacked on it and the floor was coated with a messy carpet. The light bulb hung loosely from the ceiling. From the look of it, this house could well have been abandoned, but then the window was open and the T.V was on standby.
“I see you are awake.” said a woman from the stairs.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I like that everything is piecing together, this is a really smooth chapter, possibly my favorite so far! I'll just do another list of little things I think might help as you already know I like the way you write hah!
Segment One:
1. Yay that Quince is finally getting confronted by his brother. I love that he seems somewhat scared of his brother as he gave off a bit of a bad-boy attitude at the start. I think it makes things more real to have a character that can reign him in. I think you've done a good job of making his relationship with Molly seem more substantial too as she's determined to be with him.
2. 'Some touch lessons' I'm assuming you meant tough?
Segment Two:
1. 'whenever something interesting was up.' try changing 'up' to 'happening', it'll help display a wider vocabulary.
2. ' But there was something else it was useful at' the word 'but' is a conjuction so try not to use it as a means by which to start a sentence. My recommendation to change this sentence would be 'Well, there was something else it was useful at'.
3. I like that you've given Nicole a solid part in your story by connecting her with the energy readings. I also think by introducing her best friend, you've managed to make her more realistic.
Segment Three:
1.This is a great segment, while I agree with other commentors that Guardiwar could do with a bit more action other than dreaming, I think you used it perfectly here. This links her with previous characters that otherwise aren't getting much 'screen-time' at this moment in time. I think that's important for your story. I also like that you've given her realistic reactions to her situation i.e momentarily forgetting that something has happened.
Hey there,
So this is really getting into something.this is a particularly good chapter. you've started piecing together all the stuff.
I might be wrong but I think you want this project to be one of those books that gives you loads of question, characters, sub-plots, action sequences etc which at some point in the end gets answered and makes sense. anyway; so here's a quick review,
I like this part. It showcases the occasional humor that brightens up the work.
Guardiwar and her obsession to dream
after reading six chapters, all I get from this girl is her dreams. It's your work and you're the god of it but I'd really like to see her do something else other than sleeping. Cause, it looks like you're bringing her to the limelight just for her dreams and I"m sensing she's an important character.
Anyway, I love how all this is going on. GOOD DAY!
Puck
Hi there!
Like I said in the previous chapter, you're finally starting to link together all of the characters. The constant change of POV is a little confusing to me, but I can keep up.
I now know that this House of Elrah is very important. So whoever burned it down must be in big trouble. Again I'm left wondering if this is all related to the book or not.
I am a big confused about Molly and Quince's story. It seems to be just a side note in all of this, but I'm sure it's important some way. Maybe this boot camp leads to the rest of the action. I don't know. And I can't wait to find out!
Keep writing!!
**Noelle**
So we've uncovered that those two chicks are sisters, I hadn't seen that coming x) But what is this House of Elrah? What does it have to do with anything? Again, I'm confused.
So you are furthering each character's story, that's true, but I still fail to see how they are connected to each other in this huge scheme. It just feels like reading a bunch of different stories at once. At least to me.
I can tell you have a lot going on here, but for dumb readers like me maybe you need to slow it down or only start off with your main characters and let us get settled that way.
But you can do whatever you want, it's your story after all x)