Chapter 1: Mysteries of the night
(Location: Ember Forest, Time: 1:00 a.m.)
Lucas walked silently amongst the sleeping trees. The restless wind swooped past whispering forgotten secrets into the envious leaves that clung to the branches. Lucas felt uneasy. He could see the light of the moon waning as if some unknown cloud was stealing its precious light.
In the distance lights flashed before an explosion resonated across the silent forest. Smoke trailed off into the cold night. Lucas jumped onto the thicker branches and bounded across the forest honing in on the commotion. He arrived at a clearing. Where ancient oaks had once resided there stood charred trunks.
A soot black crater had filled the space. In the middle of it lay a young woman. She was untouched by the ashes surrounding her. She lay there pure and glistening bright as if her body radiated the blinking moonlight. Lucas moved closer. He heard breathing and saw her chest rise and fall.
“Are you alright, miss?” he asked. He did not get a reply. He stepped closer. Lucas resisted the urge to poke her with a stick and instead shook her shoulders. As he touched her, relief flooded his mind. He realised how frightened he had been before. He had half expected something horrible to happen when he touched her but thank goodness nothing of the sort did happen. He shook her a little more but she did not awaken.
“Now what do I do with her?” said Lucas out aloud to no one in particular as he rubbed the stubble on his chin, “Yep, no other way. I have to take her home. I can’t just leave her here. Come morning she might get raped with the way she looks. Her clothing is torn in places too. I wonder if she already has been… nah.”
Lucas lifted the woman up in his arms and disappeared into the forest set on returning to his home.
(Location: Edge of Phoenix City, The House of Elrah, Time: 1:30 a.m.)
Guardiwar (Guard-D-War) turned restlessly in her troubled sleep. She dreamt that dream again. She stood on a hill beneath the vast skies. Hundreds, no thousands of burning stars came raining down. From her hill she saw a wide field full of lush green grass swaying in the night winds unsuspecting of the approaching danger. And on the field that woman with her man were skipping about in circles singing that song.
“Here comes the cascades, here comes the cascades, the time has come, the time has come, for here comes the cascades of time”. The woman and the man stopped singing. They looked at her but then they were no longer man and woman. No, they were silhouettes with eyes that burned fierce like the stars above. Their stares pierced Guardiwar leaving her feeling naked. Suddenly they were not on the field but they were on her hill. Then she was falling, not from her hill, but from the edge of the world. And all the while the cascades of time continued to fall down onto the earth.
Guardiwar woke with a jolt. She panted heavily as she reached for her water bottle. She gulped down some water and clutched her hands together to steady herself. Moonlight shone through her window and it cast light onto her mirror. She turned and saw the face of a frightened girl swamped in her sweat.
The next morning Guardiwar ate her breakfast and took out that book. She stroked its covers. She looked at the illustrations of the stars showering down from the heavens. During the days she was fascinated by the book but during the night she lay awake too afraid of the nightmares it gave her.
She starred at the title of the book. It read The Cascades of Time. She knew before nightfall she would have read the story one more time. She had done so for the past three days since the book had arrived in the post.
(Location: Central part of Phoenix City, Time: 2:00 p.m.)
“What the fuck is this? I said I didn’t want any bits in my smoothie.” Molly glared daggers at the assistant. She looked like she was about to drop dead under the weight of the super model’s eyes.
“Ugh, forget it. It’s not like you will understand. You are fat and ugly. How would you know about maintaining a killer body?”
The woman stumbled away close to tears. Molly stood in the centre of the shoot clad in a skimpy bikini that barely contained her large breasts. The men working on set ogled her with glee, each lost in their fantasies.
Molly lapped up the attention until she saw Quince (Qu-ince) approaching. She ran over and leaped into his arms. Quince placed a kiss on his girlfriend’s lips before planting another one on her neck. He would have loved to tear off her top there and then but he had enough decency to know that was very inappropriate at that given time.
“So are you gonna be rooting for me tonight babe?” he whispered into her ear.
“Of course, I heard the police are doing extra patrols. The race will be soooo fun. Can’t wait to see you thrash that looser.” squealed Molly shaking with excitement.
“Not so loud babe. If anyone hears they can easily figure it out. After all if word gets to the police chief that his brother does illegal racing then he’s gonna flip.”
“Ooh, we don’t want that do we?” giggled Molly, “Just wait for me to finish this shoot and then we can get going. Oh gosh I can’t wait, yeah!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Howdy ho!
567ajt here, to review your chapter.
As far as first chapters go, this is really good. I like the pacing of it and I also like how you started it whilst in the middle of something. I can tell you've wrote novels before, because the words are comfortably placed and, as far as I can see, no words wasted. So, let me show you some of my favourite moments.
"A soot black crater had filled the space. In the middle of it lay a young woman. She was untouched by the ashes surrounding her. She lay there pure and glistening bright as if her body radiated the blinking moonlight. Lucas moved closer. He heard breathing and saw her chest rise and fall."
This is a beautiful description, and makes your character have purpose. Lucas is delving into the unknown. This girl could be real, or in his head. I presume she is real, but perhaps Lucas is tired from all that running he's seeing things. Or maybe she is real and I'm over-analyzing things.
"“Now what do I do with her?” said Lucas out aloud to no one in particular as he rubbed the stubble on his chin, “Yep, no other way. I have to take her home. I can’t just leave her here. Come morning she might get raped with the way she looks. Her clothing is torn in places too. I wonder if she already has been… nah.”"
This is scary stuff, and it is pretty dark too. This girl is in a comatose state, and Lucas must do something. He doesn't know what to do, though. He has just found this girl. Already I can pick out why you have wrote this girl into the novel. I believe she is an important figure, and Lucas must help her. However, this is an opening chapter, and answers will be found later on. For now, let's just live in the moment.
"Guardiwar woke with a jolt. She panted heavily as she reached for her water bottle. She gulped down some water and clutched her hands together to steady herself. Moonlight shone through her window and it cast light onto her mirror. She turned and saw the face of a frightened girl swamped in her sweat."
After her dream, she wakes up, presumably in Lucas' house. I love the description she sees herself in, the "frightened girl". It's as if she has no idea of who she is. This is a really good bit in your novel, and I hope to see descriptions of this later on.
I have only one problem, and it's this following part:
"“What the fuck is this? I said I didn’t want any bits in my smoothie.” Molly glared daggers at the assistant. She looked like she was about to drop dead under the weight of the super model’s eyes.
“Ugh, forget it. It’s not like you will understand. You are fat and ugly. How would you know about maintaining a killer body?”"
Who is Molly? And where is Lucas? Unless of course the girl in part two is different to part one, but this is a little bit unclear. Perhaps you could clarify how this is structured, unless this is non-linear. I liked the direction you were taking of Lucas, and I really want to see him again later. Oh well. But again, this is only one piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
So overall, I highly enjoyed this first chapter. I shall attend to the others now. Great start, myst
Hey there! After a long absence, I am once again reviewing.
Specifics:
A comma after 'forest' to separate those sections of the sentence.
In the first sentence, you are taking time a level back from the usual past tense, so you should have it in the perfect tense: 'She had dreamt that dream again'. Then it would be nice style to separate the dream from the reality with 'She was standing' or something of that sort.
'swaying in the night winds, unsuspecting of the approaching danger.' The comma would be nice.
'on the field' should be 'in the field'.
'Here comes the cascades,' 'Comes' should be 'come', because cascades is plural.
stared.
General:
There are many comma issues that I did not lift out here, but you generally need more of them, as Pucker said.
There is a slight lack of flow in the story that needs to be remedied. Try a little less elaboration and check that some things you say are not implied by your previous writing already, for example Guardiwar drinking water—if she reached for her water bottle, of course she is going to drink water, so you don't need to say 'she drank water', merely that 'she drank' or 'took long gulps'. Another example would be Molly squealing about the race. By the words we already know that it is Molly speaking, so to say that she does so is unnecessary. It is easy to cut off some clumsy sentences in this way.
It took a bit of time to get to the main point, so you might scare off possible readers with a long, less active introduction. The first part also doesn't set the scene very well. I don't know what sort of world these people are in. it takes a while to understand that.
In any case, it was an interesting piece, and I wonder how these characters are connected—well done!
Keep it flowing!
barefootrunner
Hello Myst,
i know it's quite late to dive into the novel and you already have very constructive reviews but I'll try to do my best. So here goes,
commas
you seem to hate them. there a handful of lines that might create confusion without it for example here:
And here,
Lukas's behavior
Lucas seems honestly to me quite unrealistic. Especially the part where he decides to take the girl to his home. His reaction to the situation seemed quite disjointed. the first time Lucas speaks to himself looks okay but then when he goes on saying
, it looks like you're forcing him to say that. Again, the reaction here doesn't seem natural.
descriptions
some of the descriptions in here are just awe-striking. especially the way how you narrated the dream. Stuff like
and
really uplifted the work.
the only problem I had with it was that you declaimed it was a dream beforehand. because I wanted to discover myself that it was one.
the supermodel part
the first two parts had that fantasy element in it, which the third one lacked. the whole supermodel part didn't quite compute with the previous two parts. So it kind of looked a bit awkward to me.
a chapter?
This piece to tell the truth doesn't actually go anywhere. you put in a lot of characters and settings and they just sit there doing minimal stuff that doesn't actually help a lot with the development. If this were a prologue then it would've been okay but this was a chapter and I really wanted to see more.
Whoa, So this is really good. Now if you please excuse me, I'm off to read chp-2.
Puck
For a first chapter, this was very interesting. Usually a first chapter orients the reader or leaves them hanging. However in this chapter it felt that there were to many things and circumstances going on. Especially with multiple characters all at once. As a reader, this chapter left me very confused about what is going on in this story and what the plot is.
Perhaps you will bring the story and different plots together as it happened in the movie Mars Attacks!.
On to chapter two!
-Jadefox
Hi there!
This is a very interesting first chapter. I'm not really sure where this story takes place or who this Lucas guy is and why he felt the need to take the woman home, besides the fact that he didn't want her to get raped. But that seems like a small reason hiding a larger one. I'm sure he has some connection to the woman or feels one otherwise he wouldn't give a damn about her. Who knows, maybe he's just a nice person like that.
I like how you change perspectives. It gives the reader an inside look into each of these character's minds. I also think it's cool that you've incorporated the title already which makes me realize that it's an important thing in the story. I can't wait to figure out more about the cascades of time.
The last part with the supermodel seem to differ from the feel of the rest of the chapter. The first two perspectives have so much mystery in them and make me wonder what is going on, and then you throw in the supermodel who's complaining about a smoothie (typical supermodel behavior I may add). It just seems to change the whole feel.
Alright, onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Myst! I've finally gotten around to review this
I'll do my best to help!
I usually start with small nitpicks/comments I have as I read... just because I tend to forget the small details by the time I finishe the chapter x) So here we go!
"The restless wind swooped past whispering forgotten secrets into the envious leaves that clung to the branches. "
Don't forget to add that comma after 'past', the sentence needs it!
"In the distance lights flashed before an explosion resonated across the silent forest."
A comma after distance
"He arrived at a clearing. Where ancient oaks had once resided there stood charred trunks"
These two sentence should be combined; on their own they sound choppy.
"From her hill she saw a wide field full of lush green grass swaying in the night winds unsuspecting of the approaching danger. "
Two commas; one after 'hill', another after 'winds'.
"No, they were silhouettes with eyes that burned fierce like the stars above. Their stares pierced Guardiwar leaving her feeling naked"
I like these lines a lot!
"The woman stumbled away close to tears"
comma after 'away'
“Of course, I heard the police are doing extra patrols. The race will be soooo fun. Can’t wait to see you thrash that looser.” squealed Molly shaking with excitement.
Looser should be 'loser'.
Alright, now some comments about the story so far!
I think you do a good job with your characters, each person here has their own voice and personality. You switch between one and another pretty quickly, but I can understand that they are different people by the way they talk and act. So good job!
Feel free to expand on this chapter and add more details to the environment. Describe the forest, or the city. Was it a clean, beautiful city? Or a dingy, poor city. You can include some hints to your character's clothing or appearance. I think it would help if you added maybe ten more paragraphs to each section just to find more ways you can introduce this world to us.
The biggest thing to work on is your sentence structure, though. I pointed out many places that I could fix, and Twinkle did a great job of making suggestions, too. You need to go back through this chapter and rephrase sentences to make things flow a bit smoother. You need to look up some comma tutorials online and brush up on that skill. These are just a few basic, more techinical things that are pretty easy to learn, and it will help you in any kind of writing that you do.
Hope this review helped, I'll be going on to part 2!
I’m here to review.
Lucas lifted the woman up in his arms and disappeared into the forest set(comma) on returning to his home.
From her hill she saw a wide field full of lush green grass swaying in the night winds(I think you should put a comma here too. The sentence is too long) unsuspecting of the approaching danger.
And on the field that woman with her man were skipping about in circles singing that song.
I like this line. It shows that Guardiwar has seen them before quite a lot of times.
I liked how you described the dream. Not much usage of words but everything could be pictured clearly even with the quick changes. That’s my favourite part here.
She stroked its covers. She looked at the illustrations of the stars showering down from the heavens.
This can be one single sentence. That would sound much better. The word ‘She’ is getting a little repetitive here. Maybe something like this:
She stroked its covers, looking at the illustrations of the stars showering down from the heavens.
She starred at the title of the book (stared)
Molly glared daggers at the assistant. She looked like she was about to drop dead... (say it like this)
Molly glared daggers at the assistant who looked like she was about to drop dead... (otherwise it seems like you’re talking about Molly dropping dead)
Overall, I’ve got to admit you’ve confused me here. Three different places and times and I don’t even know what the story is going to be about. Who’s the main character here but it’s completely different from your other novel. It’s like two different authors wrote these two novels. You’ve put much less description here but the way you’ve described the surrounding, scenes, emotions, it’s pretty impressive. Every character is so different from the other which makes it all the more difficult to imagine how they might be linked with each other. Keep at it, though. It’s a very good start.
I liked the distinct changes in characters here and I think using the time and location was a really effective way of splitting it up. Everything is well described here which I think makes it easier to adapt to the character changes. It also helps the reader to understand a bit more of each character when you can easily place them into different surroundings. I'm interested to see how the characters develop so I would definitely like to read another chapter. You've certainly succeeded in giving clear, first impressions of all your characters which I think is important given the fact you're introducing more than one in the opening chapter. It's not entirely clear how the characters all link up (they might not ever link up!) but I don't think that's majorly important, I've read a couple of novels that use different time lines etc. for their characters. Overall, I've enjoyed reading it and would love to read more!