i still see you everywhere & nowhere at the same time

Hey, coming in for a supply review on behalf of the in-depth poetry review activity! Woohoo! I'm happy to have a chance to look at your poem more closely.

Let's look at it stanza by stanza shall we?

Stanza One

i often try to mourn the loss of things i've found already,
because nothing prepares you for how much losing
something you love hurts. hurts more than salt on
open wounds. hurts more than it does to leave your
life behind in hopes of saving them.

There's some continuity confusion here, I think what line 1+2 mean are -> the speaker tries to mourn things before they're gone to avoid the hurt of when people / things / opportunities leave. But the text seems to say, "I try to mourn things I've found." ... I'm not sure what that would mean? I think the two lines need to be rephrased for clarity.

lines 4 & 5 are a bit confusing / maybe overly wordy? "hurts more than it does to leave your life behind in hopes of saving them." (what would "them" be? typically "they" or "them" needs to refer back to something clarified earlier - but here there's not a "them" being referred to, does it mean people? past lovers? everyone? days? nights? not sure.) also the line looks like it's trying to add clarity to something abstract, but the second example (leaving life) is only more abstract. Salt in a wound is more concrete, that is good, but it is a bit of an often used metaphor and I wonder if you could change it up a tad to make it new? just an idea!

So far I like the tone and premise!

Stanza Two

as i've said again and again,
nothing is more bittersweet than having to say goodbye.
and i was right. nothing is more bittersweet than "goodbye".
i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that
time is finite. and you know i loved you.

What does line 3 add to lines 1 & 2? nothing is more bittersweet. nothing is more bittersweet. I like the progression in lines 4-5, "i wish i had more time / time is finite / you know i loved you." the parallel between time and love, makes it seem like maybe both have finite and infinite qualities and it forces the reader to try to find the parallel / connection between the three statements, because it's not spelled out.

Stanza Three

i still plead, in the back of my mind. why couldn't you stay?
but, then again, i know why you couldn't. it would pain me to hear you cry again,
but i almost wish i could. so that the home wouldn't feel so empty.
so that your sister, no, wait. so that i wouldn't be so alone. because nothing works out for me. i just wanted more time.

This stanza seems to have a lot of extra wordiness that isn't adding extra content or meaning. I would really look at each phrase to see if it's adding content, or repeating content, or filler-content. Poetry is typically so short, each word ought to contribute to the whole.

i plead, in my mind, why couldn't you stay?
but, i know you couldn't. it would pain me to hear you cry again,
but then home wouldn't feel so empty.
so that i wouldn't be so alone.
i just wanted more time.

In this stanza we do have the reveal? I think? that the characters aren't tied by romantic but sibling love? Interesting! Wasn't expecting that from where it was going - and makes me wonder what the source of their division / separation was.

Final Couplet

time always runs out. or maybe i just couldn't give enough to you.
-
the house is quiet now, but it is far from being empty.

"it is far from being empty" - this seems like a strange conclusion to me, that left me pondering what was the speaker implying was filling the emptiness? emotion? sadness? voices? desire? it seems like they've done a 180 in emotions in the last phrase, or have come up with a new lease on what's being said, not quite sure how to interpret!

Time as a Theme
I like the repetition of the theme of time and how that pairs with love, and how there's too little time, or time not given enough - it makes the poem more than simply a narrative of two characters and adds a sort of philosophical lens that elevates the piece to be more than story, but insight. I think you could lean into this even more! I would love to see more done in the form of literary devices - either metaphors or sound devices or even imagery - you could dive into the theme of emptiness a bit more too - like hollow hearts / swept out drawers / missing pictures etc.

Specific Suggestions

I think two things I'd suggest is the poem could use an increase in specificity of the imagery / examples to root it in reality and make it come alive for readers, and then a second look at brevity. The poem is emotive, but it felt a little long-winded if that makes sense? Taking a second look at taking away some of the lines or phrases that don't add content, and then incorporating more specific images I think would bring this poem to another level.

Overall Thoughts

Overall, I don't read a lot of sibling poetry, but wish there was more! It's interesting and I think people can relate to it just as much as romantic poetry. I liked the premise and that you wove some of the themes throughout the piece. My favorite lines were these:

i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that
time is finite. and you know i loved you.

Love how those short choppy sentences were paired together to create a new layer of meaning when they combined.

Hope this was helpful, I always enjoy reading your poetry! Looking forward to hopefully reading more for NaPo week too!

alliyah

hi century! this a review for the in depth review event

overall themes
you capture that feeling of the emptiness that comes from loss so well. there's nostalgia in there, and the mixture of hurt and love you feel when you lose someone. the tone of this is quiet and resigned except for some parts which are full of pain like,

i still plead, in the back of my mind. why couldn't you stay?

i love the reflective quality of the poem!

critiques
1- there is the bittersweetness mentioned in the second stanza, but i feel like you should explore this further. in the next few stanzas you talk about the bitter part, but need more of the sweet part too. maybe carry forward that reflection on how, in the little time the narrator had, they chose to love the "you"? i want this sentiment to be carried forward,

i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that
time is finite. and you know i loved you.

2- in the first stanza, the last two lines,

open wounds. hurts more than it does to leave your
life behind in hopes of saving them.

this gets a bit confusing, and honestly it doesn't feel like this part flows. is the "your" the person the narrator is talking to, or is it the general "you" we say to no one in particular? and how does leaving save someone? and who is leaving who? maybe you could explore this part more so that it makes more sense to the reader who does not have the context you do!
3- your first two stanzas have regular lines of the same length, that changes in the third stanza. is that to represent the brokenness the narrator feels at the loss? i'm curious about that!
4- the third stanza also has this line,

so that your sister, no, wait. so that i wouldn't be so alone. because nothing works out for me. i just wanted more time.

what if you removed the sister bit? or explained its relevance to the poem a little bit more? the entire poem has a conversational but nostalgic tone, and this doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. if that is done on purpose, maybe explore why and make it a bit more obvious?

best lines
1-

i often try to mourn the loss of things i've found already,
because nothing prepares you for how much losing
something you love hurts. hurts more than salt on
open wounds.

this is a wonderful start that immediately pulled me in!! the first line is literally the best. like its about the narrators dread of loss. this gives me a sense of hopelessness. like there is something to be feared about finding things even, because finding them makes the losing inevitable. because you cannot lose something you never found
2-

time always runs out. or maybe i just couldn't give enough to you.

i love how the narrator seems to blame themselves for losing this other person. this is so thought provoking. what if we did have all the time but just didn't give it to the important things/people? what if we blame the idea of time running out to avoid the guilt that comes from knowing it wasn't really time, it was us? very striking and thoughtful. i love the way you phrase this bit.
3-

the house is quiet now, but it is far from being empty.

this ending is just perfect. it sums up the bittersweet message of the whole poem. it seems to have double meanings. the house being "far from empty" could be about empowerment, and how the narrator is realising there's still something left to live for. or it could be about them ruminating on the condition of their own existence. and thinking about their life without the loved one.

overall
this was a very well though out poem with a beautiful message. it's full of quiet reflections that contrast with the pain in some of the lines. i'm glad i got to read this poem and review it!!
i hope you're okay <3

Hai :3

This poem feels like a quiet storm of emotion ~~ There’s such a delicate balance between loss, love, and regret that really pulls at you. You’ve captured the experience of grieving, not just the moment of loss but the slow, agonizing process of reliving it in your head. Aaa!! I’m already hooked!! Your style is so unique.

The way you mention mourning something before you’ve even lost it; wow, that’s such a unique and relatable thought!! It’s like you're anticipating the pain because you know it’s coming, but you also know nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It's perfect with the metaphor of salt on open wounds. OUCH! You feel that sting right away, and it’s such a visceral way to describe heartache. It's not easy to write about loss, but I feel your emotions so intensely. It's like I'm in your shoes.

It’s like, no matter how much time you had, it’s never enough. The acknowledgment that “time is finite” and “you know I loved you” feels like an attempt to console both yourself and whoever you’re mourning, which is so raw and tender. It breaks my heart!! It’s like you're unraveling your own defenses line by line.

i still plead, in the back of my mind. why couldn't you stay?
but, then again, i know why you couldn't. it would pain me to hear you cry again,
but i almost wish i could. so that the home wouldn't feel so empty.

Chills.

The house is quiet but not empty ~~ that’s such a powerful ending stanza. It’s like there’s still something lingering, whether it’s memories, pain, or maybe even the ghost of what you’ve lost. It leaves you with this heavy, bittersweet feeling that lingers. It's almost like you’re questioning your own role in the loss throughout that last stanza, which is common when grieving. I haven't had to feel a loss like this in a long time, but this poem brings me right back. When I read this, it teleported me.

time always runs out. or maybe i just couldn't give enough to you.

Same with what I said above!! It’s such a haunting self-reflection. The way you handle the theme of loss, especially the nuanced feelings of guilt, longing, and acceptance, is beautifully done. This is heart-wrenching!!

I'm sorry for your loss!! <3 If no one else is here for you, poetry is.

- Payton

Hey Herb I am stopping by to review this lovely poem of yours. I always love your poetry, but this one hit me, especially deep, considering the topic of grief. Let's jump right into the review, shall we?

i often try to mourn the loss of things i've found already,

because nothing prepares you for how much losing

something you love hurts. hurts more than salt on

open wounds. hurts more than it does to leave your

life behind in hopes of saving them.

I love the beginning of this. To me, the speaks to the topic of taking things for granted. Just yesterday, I was talking with someone close to me about the loss of our cat. They expressed to me how they didn't realize that they were taking the relationship for granted until it was gone. In this poem, I love how you state that morning, for some thing that has already been found. There's no way to prepare for that feeling of loss. We can imagine it 1000 ways, but we never know exactly how much it's going to hurt until it happens. I like the simple phrases that you used starting with the word "hurts".

i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that

time is finite. and you know i loved you

One thing that I wanted to point out that I really loved, was the simplicity and directness of your words. You use this continually throughout the entire poem. I know some poems go on for a very long time and use a lot of commas to connect the phrases. But in this poem, there are a lot of periods. That feels symbolic to me.

the house is quiet now, but it is far from being empty.

I love this ending so much. We often associate emptiness with the quiet. But it's not empty, the noise is left, perhaps, echoing the emptiness which has joined this home since this friend left us. Overall, this was really beautiful and simple and direct but profound and strong. It's interesting how poems about grief and death can yield the most strength and relatability. Fantastic work. Can't wait to read more!

Your friend,
Ellie