Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
you pick at the scab on my ankle
while i grab gauze for the wound-
i wince as the cold winter air bites down
on the flesh, like a snake seeing the
heat of new blood.
.
my wounds are all there,
you are not obligated but you oblige
in scanning over my scars almost as if
you are reading my body,
seeing the nicks and scratches;
my pasts and futures.
.
writhing under my skin, i bite back
the blood from resurfacing and stain my
tongue with the vigor of life, i am
mourning the loss of your absence,
i am ever revered as a loyal subject, but you
were the one who deified me, so i
will be the one to strip you
of your godhood.
.
i pick at the scab on my knee,
biting back cries for you. it is painful
and humbling but i have an eternity
without you. one could never admit
this but sometimes i wish i had you
to pick at my scabs again.
.
holy, time, hindsight, foresight, reverence.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,757 Reviews
Hey there chrysanthemum! I'm Atticus, here on behalf of The Holly Berries, to leave a review for you.
Overall, I quite enjoyed this poem. It has a nice natural build to it, with a clear climax towards the end and then a resolution that ties everything together. The themes are woven throughout the poem very well, and each one feels well resolved. I also like the resurfacing of the scab imagery at the very end, as it ties everything together and creates an ending that feels very natural.
Jumping into the particulars:
Pardon the nitpickiness, but I think rather than saying the snake "saw" the blood, it might make more sense to say the snake "tasted" the new blood. It's a more vivid image, and it would continue the personification of the air "biting" down.
Maybe I'm missing something here but this double negative doesn't quite make sense? Mourning the loss of your absene would imply that the addressee is currently present, which doesn't align with what I had gathered from the rest of the poem.
Finally, the final line didn't quite sit right with me. It felt like a laundry list of the themes throughout the poem and contrasted with the rest of the tone of the poem. It was almost like a fourth wall break? I didn't totally get the connection to the rest of the poem. The second-to-last stanza felt like the natural ending point to me.
To end on a positive note, I liked the body-horror stuff that you incorporated throughout. My favorite line is probably "writhing under my skin" because it separates the narrator from the body in which they are contained. I think that separation makes the internal wrestling and combat very powerful. Furthermore, I really liked the natural buildup of your story - from feelings of connection, to feelings of disconnect and discord, and back again. The flow of the poem really contributed to the themes of disconnection and toxicity, the to-and-fro of this relationship. It was really well executed!
I think that's all I have for you today! I hope my review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions, feel free to reach out.
~Atticus
Hey there!
So for starters, this poem starts off interesting. The introduction reads of someone inflicting pain upon our narrator, which sets us into a gory, harsh like scene.
For me, this poem was a little hard for me to understand, but there were many things I liked. I enjoyed how, even when read aloud, it didn't rhyme. I think as poets, we should be normalizing poetry that doesn't all "fit". It's beautiful. Truly.
Something that I felt while reading this was either a feeling of regret, or loss. Either, the person the narrator spoke of regrets something they had done, or is feeling conflicted and lost for them being gone. Either way, it would fit wonderfully, however the story is.
I love the second stanza. How it says this person didn't HAVE to look over the narrator, but CHOSE to instead. That's truly beautiful.
I saw no grammatical mistakes, and your stanzas are gorgeous. You wrote this so beautifully. Even if I don't fully understand it, it's truly a piece of art.
Wishing you the best! Happy writings!
~Taost
Happy Holidays! My name is Ley (or Lektra) and I'm here to review this sparkling work with my new holiday-themed review template: just in time for winter! Let's sit by the fire, get our marshmallows ready, and discuss this piece you have here. Huzzah!
❄️ Winter Whispers ❄️
Another amazing herb poem! I was drawn to this poem because to me, the title is so abstract and honestly-- at first I thought it was was going to be a lovey dovey poem-- but it's so much deeper than that. Let's get into my takeaways from this piece!
🎅 Warm Sugar Cookie 🎅
There are so many emotional, powerful, and heavy themes here. The way you explore vulnerability through the imagery of wounds and scars is... ahh! Such
a clever way to go about such a powerful poem like this. Also, this metaphor:
The line break after 'painful', the metaphor of 'picking a scab' (which I automatically associated with lingering ache of longing for someone/something) was truly brilliant. I found myself nodding as I read, as if I felt your words. You always do such an amazing job when it comes to drawing emotions out of the reader. I hope that the scabs have healed, herb! <3
🌟 Chilling Critique 🌟
I have absolutely no critiques for you. I'm so envious of the way you can so effortlessly create such a masterpiece. This is definitely top three in my favorite works by you (I know, I say that all the time but.. every time I read a new one, I just get more and more impressed!
🎆 The Grand Finale 🎆
Overall, this is such a breathtaking piece. I could relate in the fact that healing is a process, and as much as you feel like you need to go back to that 'safe space', sometimes its better not to. That way, we can give the scabs time to heal. <3
Wishing you a season filled with joy, laughter, and love! <3
It's winter time!
Hello frosty friend! I'm here to leave a winter-themed review for you!
Snow out the window - My Interpretation of the Piece
🪟I read this piece as the narrator being an @buse victim struggling to forget and stop missing their @buser. I thought it was very beautiful from beginning to end, and I adored your beautiful lines, the way you split them into stanzas, and the special line at the end with all of those words that seemed to me to be quick, flashing glimpses of the bare bones of the story and its plot (because from the way I read this, it really does seem to have a plot).
Cold Things - Something(s) I think you can improve on:
Ice 🧊: "...were the one who deified me, so i..." defied or defiled? either way, the words combine to create a beautiful line.
Snowman ☃: "...it is painful
and humbling but i have an eternity
without you..." could maybe become
"it is painful
and humbling, but i have an eternity
without you."
Snowflake ❄: "...one could never admit
this but sometimes i wish i had you
to pick at my scabs again." could maybe become
"i could never admit
this, but sometimes i wish i had you
to pick at my scabs again."
I feel like the narrator is trying to say they could never admit it.
Warm Things - Something(s) I think you did well in the piece
Hot Cocoa ☕: the end line was complete and utter perfection, and as i said in Snow out the window, i believe it retells the story quickly and gives it a new shade of meaning to the readers.
Fireplace 🔥: the first stanza was so vivid, beautiful, and well done.
Warm Scarf 🧣: the second stanza: beautifully put, you almost believe the @buser is good, you see through the narrator's eyes.
A cozy blanket at night - Conclusion
🛏This is a wonderful poem and I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it <333
Enjoy your winter!
hi @avimoon! thank you so much for reviewing this! it's interesting to hear how this resonated with you. so sorry that happened. by "deified" i mean to "achive godhood" or become a deity. <333
ooh! new word discovered! thank you for the enlightenment and kind words <333