still, there is a sharp breathless
distance between us, your cold
hands grabbing my shoulders/
arms wrapped around my diaphragm
-
not daring to breathe nor make a
sound- lifeless, unnmoving statue,
barely resembling a human/living
creature. lungs and heart in unison
but also only an apparition.
-
relentlessly in/out but only shallow
and no meaning behind it. reaching for the
top of my canvas/bottom of the podium/
through the atmosphere.
-
air flowing like water through me,
still, i try to give some to you,
close this rift & cut my earthly ties.
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Hai :3
This is such a beautifully haunting poem!! The imagery you've woven in is just stunning ~~ Like, it captures that feeling of separation and yearning so well!! I love how the poem feels almost like a held breath itself, like with the tension in those moments where everything’s suspended between two people. The way you describe the cold hands and the sharp distance makes that disconnection feel physical and emotional at the same time. It's so intense and palpable to me!!
The whole thing feels like it’s barely holding together, which matches the theme so well. The shallow breaths, the reaching but not quite getting there, the ghostly imagery; it’s this beautiful contradiction of wanting to break through but being held down. I love that!! There's something so fluid about that, almost like slipping away while still trying to bridge that gap. It’s like you’ve captured the essence of trying to exist in two different worlds, but not quite fitting in either.
This whole stanza is gorgeous!! It brings to mind this imagery of being stuck in a moment, caught between being alive and not quite there. That is so perfect for the overarching theme of the poem!! You nailed that tension of wanting to connect but being held back by this invisible wall ~~ Especially now considering maybe it's something more psychological, like something the narrator is carrying / burdening themselves with. At least, that's my interpretation of what's going on!!
^^^ You might want to try leaning into more concrete images though!! The middle of the poem feels a bit too abstract for me. I think that fleshing out that idea of being a "statue" would be great!! What kind of statue? What does that look like? There are a lot of poetic ways you could describe that!! I'm a little lost when it comes to the true meaning of the statue, so I'd love to see more about it. There has to be something more to it, but I can't put my finger on it as it stands now!!
I'm obsessed !!!
It’s like this desperate plea to connect to something, but also a quiet resignation. It feels so melancholic yet hopeful, like that last exhale before everything changes ~~ Like, that's so real!! You’ve really captured a lot of raw emotion in here. Every word feels intentionally placed to create a beautiful poem. It’s gentle yet intense in its own, and I felt every bit of that tension you built up!! ^_^
- Payton
vacuum silence. that's a new one!
i love how you play with the idea of breath throughout—how it moves from 'lifeless, unmoving statue' to 'lungs and heart in unison but also only an apparition.' there’s a haunting feeling here, like a body that exists but doesn’t quite belong. that adds a lot to the sense of longing. becoming and unbecoming, almost.
the ending is beautifully bittersweet. it feels like a quiet, selfless wish, even when the effort might go unnoticed or unanswered. 'cut my earthly ties' has a sense of finality that leaves a chill behind. it's a great climax to the rest of the poem. it creates this tension, like holding in air and waiting for something to break. yet it also releases that tension at the same time. interesting effect to use!
if i could suggest one thing, it might be to expand on the moment of trying to close the rift. let that yearning linger just a little longer before the poem’s end. it comes very suddenly off of the cusp of something captivating. the meaning hasn't been lost, but there could be something added on to it. dress it up more.
this piece feels like a heartbeat caught between moments, fragile and longing. breathing is automatic, yet this is purposeful. thank you for sharing this! ^v^
This is such a beautiful poem. It conveys the concept of 'vacuum silence' very well<3