Go away world, don’t wake me today
Leave me alone, I think I’ll just stay
I won’t answer my messages
I won’t pick up the phone
Not like I’ll get a call anyway
Everyone’s got problems of their own
But it’s all too much for me
All the white noise and static
I feel like I can’t breathe
And I’m not just being dramatic
‘Cause it’s taking over
I don’t know how much more I can handle
I’m holding out now
But just one breath and I’ll be out like a candle
I thought it all was gonna be ok
But now I think I might cry
Everything could work out just fine
If only we had more time
You've got my back friend, please don’t let me down
Don’t run away, I need you around
I can’t tell you how much it means to me
To know that you’re there
Especially when even I
Don’t even care
But it’s all too much for me
All the crowds and the traffic
I feel like I can’t breathe
And I’m not just being dramatic
‘Cause it’s taking over
I don’t know how much more I can handle
I’m holding out now
But just one breath and I’ll be out like a candle
I thought it all was gonna be ok
But now I think I might cry
Everything could work out just fine
If only we had more time
Tick tock, can you turn back the clock?
I need time to stop, right now
Don’t wait, it’s already too late
He who hesitates is lost
And if you try to stand your ground
You’ll still get caught up in the crowd
Run as fast as you can, try as you might
You cannot win, you’re losing the fight
As you’re trying to do everything
The grandfather clock chimes
It’s all over now anyway
And we need more time
‘Cause it’s taking over
I don’t know how much more I can handle
I’m holding out now
But just one breath and I’ll be out like a candle
I thought it all was gonna be ok
But now I think I might cry
Everything could work out just fine
If only we had more time
And if you try to turn back time
You’ll only fall further behind
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Thanks for you're comments
I meant stay as in stay in bed. My rhyming usually comes easily to me and it did with this song. I guess a song is a lot different when written down than when it is sung. I was trying to follow a rhyme scheme because I started that way and I didn't want to change half way through, but I personally think it turned alright.
Thanks again guys
I LOVE this, i've read a lot of your work. This piece I actually felt like I was choking. Good? YES!
You showed emotion, you should pain, bravo my friend(:
Hey! Reading it over quickly, I really liked it.
Nitpicks:
Stay where? I feel like it's a little forced trying to rhyme with the previous line. I'll say more about that at the end.
Love!
What is taking over? The drama?
Love this imagery!
This seems out of sync with the rest of it to me. I'm not a big fan of the 'ok' and 'cry'. I could just be really weird but the rest sounds more sophisticated? maybe is the word I'm thinking of. I don't know. It just doesn't flow or sound as nice as the rest.
This is kind of wordy and harder to understand or get the meaning of. I'd just simplify the verbs in the first line like "As you try to do everything"
Rhyme/Rhythm:
Songs don't have to rhyme and they don't have to follow a set rhyme scheme. At times, it felt like you were trying to follow a set rhyme scheme and you kind of put words in to make it fit with the rhyme scheme and then made it work with the line and the rest of the stanza. Basically just forcing rhymes. When you wrote this, if all the words just flowed and this is how it came out than great. If you were sitting there struggling to come up with words to rhyme for the rhyme scheme, then not as great. I mean, it doesn't sound super forced. I've definitely read lyrics with way more forced sounding rhyme than this. It's just something to keep in mind.
As for rhythm, I thought the song flowed well and there weren't many spots where I thought the rhythm got off. I couldn't hear the song playing in my head though. If you can, that's awesome. If you can't, then you might want to try and change that.
Topic/Overall:
I thought the topic was interesting although I'm not entirely sure what the story was and how everything fit in. I think I got the general gist but the details are a little muddy. You want to try and tell a story with the lyrics and have there be some kind of point to them. I think this can also play into the rhyme scheme thing. It's harder to find words to go into the story if you're worried about if they fit into the rhyme scheme so the story gets less clear.
Overall though I really liked it. I love your style of lyric writing and I really loved all the imagery and whatnot you put into the lyrics. I thought that was very well done.
-Carly