I have taken out the bit about people dying because I didn't know how to make it sound less uncaring and I realised it wasn't really nessecary
I hope the world wakes up one day
And sees the mess that they have made
I hope they all open their eyes
And realise what’s important in life
I hope the world grows up one day
And sees the mistakes they have made
I hope their actions bring them shame
I hope their motives bring the same
Here we stand after crossing the finish line
And we see the destruction left behind
We could end the problems
No one wants to fix
All this unnecessary suffering
We’ll pretend it doesn’t exist
Isn’t it disappointing?
And isn’t it kinda funny?
And isn’t it a shame?
That we did it all for money
I hope the world comes to a halt
And they’ll realise it’s all their fault
I hope that they can change their fate
I hope they don’t realise too late
I hope the world sees what they’ve achieved
And wonder why they ever believed
That any of it was worth the cost
I hope they realise what they’ve lost
Here we stand after crossing the finish line
And we see the destruction left behind
We could end the problems
No one wants to fix
All this unnecessary suffering
We’ll pretend it doesn’t exist
It will still be true in ten years
What is true in this hour
We do it all for money
Because money gives us power
We will make the same mistakes again
We will not listen and we won’t give in
Not until we all fall down
Until it’s too late to turn around
And as we go on we keep our eye on the prize
Because money will make everything alright
We could end the problems
No one wants to fix
All this unnecessary suffering
We’ll pretend it doesn’t exist
Isn’t it disappointing?
And isn’t it kinda funny?
And isn’t it a shame?
That we did it all for money
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I must remind the world, even though I am a mess of contradictions and usually HATE critics who are nitpicky over grammar....it is important. Word usage is a-okay but punctuation is like emphasizing which lines go together (much like the enter button) so just keep that in mine.
I also disagree with the previous reviewers. Just because you're saying it bluntly doesn't make it cold, it gives your piece another angle. Everysong doesn't have to be pretty, you piece isn't pretty. It's not edgy however, it just stating what the rebels of today have been saying. Our world is messed up. But what you, the writer, must convey to your audience is why you ranting about this world is no different from me saying it. Or her. Or him. You get my point? The bluntness is a good angle, but exagerate on it. You know? Instead of "The cat got hit, by a car" think "She held that last breathe in, the pain was gone, the world had shut off all connections with her beating heart, it was my beating heart that went with my best friend underneath the wheels...the rubber of the world" Bad example, but I hope you get my point.
It is very flowy and I enjoyed it (: Just remember, make it your own. When writing an angry piece GET ANGRY!
Hi there!
So, I have to agree with the other reviewers. Technically it's a wonderful piece, and the subject matter is prevalent and thought-provoking and all that jazz, but where's the heart? "This person." "That person." It sounds cold and unfeeling, which could, sadly, break a piece like this. I suggest changing it, but it's your call, as there is nothing technically wrong.
Keep Writing!
---Spork
I actually agree with this post, and I'm not saying that it's a bad piece because it's actually quite good; believe me there, but the empathy was what I had problems with sadly enough. I try not to do that though, because it isn't my work. It's still a brilliant piece though.
Truly.
- GhostlyImpressions.
Hey there!
It sounds like you're just carelessly saying it. I think it's that you start off with 'that person'. If it was maybe 'people die of lung cancer, and in pointless wars' it might sound like you care a bit more.This is a pretty good piece, but there was one bit that bugged me.
Just suggestions, of course. You don't have to change a thing if you don't want to, obviously.
Anyways apart from that line I really enjoyed it. It says a lot about society.
The end.