Translucent stares,
Big poofy hair,
Big ball gowns,
Quietly hiding frowns.
-
The tiara is broken,
It was her only token,
Gold empty throne,
Electrifying bones.
-
Mindless dances,
Sideways glances,
Empty bows,
Lost in the crowd.
-
A billion stars,
Small black cars,
Chilling breeze,
The one who Sees.
-
Haunting presence,
Terrified peasants,
In the dining hall,
Welcome to the Ball.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Its a bit to short to get a good image of the haunted ball in the head. However it did remind me a little of the ballroom scene from Anastasia. Try and use more inturcate words to flavor your work. And if you want a really scary ballroom story add some gruesome gore to the imagery. The second and third lines erk me a bit just because they both start with "big".
Hello!
Your poem flows well and I like the whole theme, though I ended up imagining a lot of details which could have been given to me. I know readers are meant to be able to come up with these things themselves, but it's nice to be pointed in the right direction. Perhaps hinting at a century or decade, or what era you personally imagined it in would help. I think of a French Renaissance ball, the problem is though, you could have written it in some other time.
I love the final stanza, you used all the right words. With 'terrified peasants' I get the feeling that there's vampires here. Finishing the poem with the title is a brilliant move, great job.
I was guessing "peasents" and "ball gowns" would be a good direction word for when this takes place, and you guessed well!
Hello
I know this was supposed to be haunted, but I got more the impression that you were sending up the concept of "prom"
Especially from:
And the 'mindless dance' bit.
I'm not saying it's not good. It is, but just not what I thought would fit with the way you mentioned it in the description.
Then again, the later stanzas:
Would seem to suggest otherwise, and in that way, I find this work to be a bit confusing. Maybe it's a double entendre - because it definitely could be.
Hey there Lylas! Alex here to review your poem!
The subject of the poem was very intriguing for me. At first I though the topic would be a little bit bland and hard to fit into a poem nicely; I was pleasantly surprised
The poem flows very nicely and has a really poetic and dance like feel to it (Hence the Ball). The metaphors also fit into the poem and you used some very original ones such as "A billion stars, Small black cars,". Generally this poem was very good!
I just have one thing to complain about which felt a bit like a cat in a room full of dogs. A bit strange.
The 2nd and 3rd line of the first stanza felt a bit odd to me and ruined the start which could have been great! "Big" is a little bit bland compared to the rest of the poem and "poofy" felt a little bit childish compared to the rest of the poem. Repeating "Big" twice is also kind of strange. Maybe revising the first paragraph?
Overall, great poem! Loved the mood of it!
~Sushi