Don't Worry I was Already Chipped Before You Shattered Me

hi,

i love the indentations made to emphasize on the words.
they have a great effect.
" p

a

r

t

."


and the start to the poem
"blank

stares";

i totally got that. in those two words you managed to convey a whole lot of emotions and mood we all have went through. so that portion totally hooked me to read the next in the right mood.

great work, keep writing.

to see my work, please visit- The first betrayal

Hey Layla! Writer here as requested (I am quite honored)
So this is based on real events, right? I’m sorry about that. I, too, have experienced something similar to this. Hopefully you don’t feel alone *hugs* <3
Okay, so now onto the poem itself. This is a very interesting format. In a way, it works well with what you’re saying. But in another way, it doesn’t.
A few of the lines don’t make sense to me at first, such as:

blank
stares

i d o n t k n o w
why
i m crying
but you
b r o k e
m e
i n t o
p i e c e s

Hello.

Okay, so frankly, my brain feels like it could spontaneously combust today, and I'm tired but intent on reviewing anyway. So forgive me if I sound grouchy--although I'll try not to.

All right, so the one thing about this poem that I think managed to capture attention and interest was the way it was formatted. Goodness, how I detest formatting things, myself. It takes so much time and energy! I'm cool with playing around with punctuation and grammar-y bits to add this sense of uniqueness to poetry, but sometimes it simply detracts from the flow. So whenever you want to take a stab at trying out a different format, or conveying emotion through the way the words are placed rather than the choice of words themselves, be careful. It doesn't allow us to focus as much as we could on the content; it doesn't allow us to be influenced by what the poem in itself has to say. I'm not sure whether that's a fault or not, but at the moment, it does look to be more of a fault than anything else. I liked the way you formatted some things, like 'apart', for example. Why? Because it made sense. Your words, the voice in itself, was fraying apart into several threads--several letters.

So before you unique-ify a piece with formatting, ask yourself: What purpose will it serve to the poem if I write it this way? Will it bolster the message, or will it veil it? Will it make things clearer or is it there just to look pretty? Above everything else, there should be a reason for you to have chosen to present your poem like this.

Coming to the actual content of the poem, I'll be honest: it was pretty cliché. No matter. No matter at all. But see, the thing with clichés is that they've been heard and read a million times over. It's drab. What you could do with this, I think, is to give a cliché its own twist. (Perhaps this is also why you went for the formatting? So it seems less cliché? Rather than changing the way this is formatted, though, concentrate on making the content seem less stale.)

Blank stares is something that I liked, but it's also been used very often and--although I'm fond of the images that expression in particular forms--it gets old. So maybe elaborate on this? Add to the imagery? Give it some depth, some concrete 'ohmywhooshes-this-totally-makes-me-feel-the-narrator.' Shattering and breaking are also things that we've heard before, so give this some SPARK. You can always use the 'breaking' descriptions, but try to give more of a spin on things. For example, you could take the 'broken heart' metaphor more literally, and give us clearer visuals on how it broke. Like, I see a small, red, ruby heart, and when it breaks, it's like glass, and it stabs you in the skin. You could reach down to touch it, but it hurts when you gather the red dust. Be creative. There is so much potential in this one idea!

Overall, the poem seemed a bit like a snapshot-picture, and I'd have liked to explore the narrator's view-point a little, too, and feel the raw pain jabbing at me ehvurrywhere. The place where I felt most for the narrator, I guess, was when the narrator describes him/herself as 'imperfect', because it felt real. There was a sombre tone to it, and it was veerry nice. I feel as if this tone could be built up on some more, though.

Anywhoo, there's plenty of potential here and you seem to have a good handle on exactly what it is you want to say. Keep up the great work! Keep writing! Hope this review helped somewhat.

PM me if you have any questions!

Cheers,

~Pomp

will review later

Amazing, I really loved it! Good job and keep up the good work!

Heya, Lylas. IronSpark here... again. Anyway, I love the ending of this! Beautiful. Especially the "s/h/a/t/t/e/r/ed". It really captured the essence of the poem--you could picture the poem falling apart.

I was just wondering if you wanted to include an apostrophe with the "i d o n t k n o w". Just a question. And a period at the end of "completely".

Do you want to include the "why?" you had before?

-IronSpark

Amazing

Hello, Lylas. IronSpark here!

Okay, so I love this poem for many reasons, but let me just start with the formatting... Beautiful--it really adds to the composition as a whole.

However, I'm not as enthusiastic about the "a/p/a/r/t/." and then the "w/h/y/." This takes the emphasis away from the "why". Also, it would be better to replace the period with a question mark. This makes a lot more sense ("why." vs. "why?"). I think you need a period after "a/p/a/r/t", too.

Why did you capitalize the "I'm"? You didn't capitalize anything else. I understand that this was your personal choice, but the title is a little awkward...

Now that I'm done with those little nitpicks: WOW, THIS POEM IS AMAZING--just like all your wonderful poetry.

Really great job and keep writing!

-IronSpark