I'll be the Sky, You'll be the Moon *edited*

I believe you are wrong SparkToFlame. In any other poem you would be right, but in this case you are wrong. In a poem like this it should not matter where the girls hair is hanging, it is superficial compared to the rest of the story. Cliches are also superficial. The author should not be limited by clichés and therefore should not be criticized when he/she uses them, admittedly they mat be annoying, overused, or boring, but however the author wants to portray the scenario should be free of criticism, for it is created directly from the imagination, perhaps influenced in some ways, but overall directly from the creator's mind's eye.

None of this should be judged based on specifics and layed out rhyme schemes. I believe this comes from raw emotion and imagination, to criticize this work is to criticize the authors emotions, experiences, and imagination.

Love the poem Lylas, hope to see great work like this again

Hey babe.

The rhyme scheme is compromsing your poem. There's a lot of words that could replace "case, face, tune, moon" that would work better and be less cliche if you changed it to free verse. Calling her a warrior is a little cliche as well. And if she's a warrior, why is she worn? Why do 'they' think she's nothing? Where's the proof that she's something. You're not telling us a story, here. You're telling us like one fact about this chick, that her hair hangs in her face and she's a warrior. Then we go all fantasy and talk about the fact that she can hold the moon. And that, is where your real poem lies. Not in all these rhymes and cliche themes. No it's in the line "someone who can hold the moon" and maybe "The girl with wisps of hair hanging around her face". Though it might be a little more effective if they were hanging in her eyes/face.
You're at the point in your poetry career where you have to start moving away from the cliche stereotypes and start carving your own kind of metaphors. You're at the point where you need to make your poetry yours, not the other way around. You've gotta or your poetry is going to remain in the same place forever, and you've got a lot to say--so that would be a crying shame.

I've got some homework for you. I've got some poems I need you to go read. Some are classics, some contemporary, but all of them are good because they are the author's poems. There's no cliche themes or half there stanzas. It's important for you as a poet to read, okay? readreadreadreadread.

Scheherazade, Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out - Richard Siken
since feeling is first- e.e. cummings
unfortunate coincidence- Dorothy Parker
Invictus- William Henley
Lessons in Hunger- Anne Sexton


And after you read those, I have more. Readreadreadreadread.
If you really want to become a poet, you need to read almost as much as you write. You need to read all of Shakespeare's sonnets, and a little bit of poe, and a lot of e.e. cummings. Okay? <3 Keep up the good work babe. You've got a start, now you just have to finish it.

Timmy here

This will be a short review for a short poem.

I will try to be completely honest with you here. This piece doesn't hold up to the title. Now that came out wrong. The piece has so many parts that are truly beautiful, but it doesn't hold itself up beside it. Because it needs more. The title told me that the moon (a person) was nothing without the sky, that the moon lived in the sky's world and was kept visible and alive by its presence, that the one person revolved around the other. That is what the title told me. And then we head into the poem, where you tell us about this girl (first line is epic love. so gorgeous. <3). I think your first line was an amazing beginning to the poem, because not only was it seriously pretty, but it destroyed any facade that we may have seen the piece behind before. This is not a story about the moon or sky, but how two people could be seen as them. Perfect.

Second and third line could be strengthened and brought to the same style of the first line, I think. The first style was of perfect imagery, really giving me a picture of the person and their present mood just by your descriptions. The second line is more like just stating the facts, and pointing to me, saying you think she's nothing. Tell me why someone would think so. As of right now, it all seems somewhat blank. Create an image of this person in my mind like you did in the first stanza, and try for more showing rather than telling. In my experience (which isn't much. xD), poetry has always leaned more towards showing than telling, delivering an image instead of statements to the reader.

One thing I think I was missing in this piece was the sky. It took me more than a moment - and really I didn't get it until I was onto my second read of the poem - to figure out that the girl was the sky. I think you could play around with that image more, create an idea in our mind without having to rely on the title to give the entire idea to us.

So you did an amazing job on this, and I just love, love the idea you have. The first line was simply epic, and I love the wisps of hair. When I made the connection that she was the sky, I envisioned the wind as sweeping through her (like wind does to the sky), and that was a wonderful image to have. I think all you need to do is play around with the words, try to lean more towards showing your idea than telling, tweak and work with it, and you can make this even better than what you have here.

Till next time, maw friend. <3
~Darth Timmyjake (catch me on chat sometime, will ya?)

I like how simple this is, but it's also complex. It has a nice rhyme that doesn't run down the words. I like how you used "wisps" to describe her hair instead of "locks" or "strands". I want to know what her same sad truth is though, that kind of leaves me hanging! The title is also pretty catchy, and works well with the poem.

Keep up the good work!

- Phoenix

Hello!

Glad that I'm reviewing a new-born poem! (New-born!?) anyway, nicely written but, i wish it had more length. the title is catchy enough, good work on that, at the first place i thought it was something romantic, is it? i can't understand.

Good work with punctuations but the first line you started with a "the" don't you think it should start with "The"? And in the second para, with "She" "S"?

I'm not really sure what you've tried to mean with this poem, probably, it's my lacking. but, really, it's good to read. i mean, i just imagined a girl like that while reading it!

And, the link you've added, unfortunately, i can't go to it. So, it would be nice if you please check on it.

Thank you for writing such a good poem, it was a good read. Have a nice day!

Inspiration posted on wall.