The past was ugly,
A dark, lonely place.
And I'm sorry you had to walk with me,
The whole blasted way.
-
You and I were hurting ourselves,
And every cut in my wrist got deeper.
And I'm sorry I can't heal your heart,
Can't fix this broken place.
-
Maybe if I starve,
the pain will go away.
Maybe dying,
would be an even easier way.
-
But you leave, and you don't come back.
And my heart starts to crack.
It grows grey with no light,
And I can't sleep,
Staring into the abyss,
silent night.
-
I think about you each passing day,
knowing the pain won't go away.
My answer, is wearing long sleeves,
to cover up the wounds,
that forever bleeds.
-
Many cold March nights go by,
and not a single spark of light glimmers in my eye. (and not a single spark of life)
-
But then, there you are,
right on my screen!
-
I see your name,
I see it.
-
Yet you don't talk to me.
-
You hate me.
And I sink deeper and deeper into depression.
-
But I've grown and matured,
and I know what I must ask.
Can we start over? Oh Tyler please.
My name is Delonie.
I'm me.
Who might you be?
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
That was a brilliant poem! Nice use of metaphors, too.
Thank you so much!
What's your favorite type of genre? Mine's Fantasy.
Romantic fantasy, sci-fy, action-adventure
Hey Lylas! I'm here, as promised! Okay, so since I've never reviewed any poem of yours before I'll tell you how I do this. I'm going to write down a list of pros and cons, my favorite part, then overall thoughts. Sound good? Yay! (Please excuse and errors in my typing. I'm on mobile...)
Cons:
1. You had some parts that rhymed and others that had no rhyme whatsoever. For instance:
Notice the rhyme of way and away. However, in the stanza before that:
If the rhyme was accidental, then oops! I do that sometimes too. Just try and watch to make sure.
2.
The parentheses threw off the flow a bit...
Pros:
1. The idea was lovely and the way you pulled it off was beautiful.
2. Wow. The depressing emotion of this piece is overwhelming. Amazing job!
My favorite part:
Actually, I have two :3
Overall:
This is an absolutely beautiful piece and I looooove the way it is written. I can't wait to read more from you!!
Keep writing and, as always, keep smiling! See ya around the site!
-Sis
Thank you so much! Most of the rhyming was unintentional! I just wrote this out and didn't revise it or anything, just wrote from the heart
Lol I do that all the time
Hey Lylas, Messenger here to review for you on Review Day!
Well this poem is just so . . . . it's so potent. So full of feeling and meaning. It is a sad, sad poem for a while, but at the end I think we see just a little glimmer of hope. I didn't see any nitpicks to pick on so I'll get to the meat of the story.
Well what can I say . . . I thought it was perfect. Everything you wrote capture the tone of the story. And it was a cool story. I feel like the ending is done just right. It gives a chance to hope that the two people will get together.
My main thing I really liked was your use of line-length. Every line was just the right amount of words. It flowed perfectly! I really liked how when it was needed, you made the lines extremely short, and when it would fit, you made the lines longer It just FELT perfect to me. I really like this poem!!
~Messenger
Oh my goodness <3 You don't know how amazing that feels
Knowing that a 13 year old like me can write so good that you can't nitpick anything! Thank you so, so much!
It won't let me separate stanzas >.>
So, I'll tell you the last word of each Stanza,
Blasted way
Broken place
Easier way
Silent night
Forever bleeds
My screen!
I see it.
Into depression
Must ask
Tyler please
Kamryn
I'm me
you be?
The last part is choppy for effect xD
There you goes!
Hmmm to make the lines less spread apart you hold down Shift Enter. But I had that issue too. I ended up having to put little dashes (-) in between each stanza. Try editing it if you can. Look for my review on RD!!