Everyone was Dying but Our Love Wasn't I Think

That was beautiful!!!! No way will I rip that masterpiece apart!!!!!!!! I just read a poem about an old woman on a bench that almost made me cry and now I'm crying buckets! *sniff*, that was so beautiful........please make sure that you don't unpublish it, EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Lylas!

Happy review day!

I am sorry this took me so long to get to - I will admit I have been busy. And one other thing is that I haven't reviewed poetry in months, maybe longer, because well, you know, novels. I am going to try my best with this one, but apologies if I am a little rusty!

This may be a short poem, but I can see how it could be interpreted in two ways. It could be seen as someone dying who has been a lover of this 'old woman' for a long time. And even as the snow falls, as does the ash (winter signifying the end of something, coldness approaching) the woman is trying to say she won't ever let go. And even though it's the end of the world for them, all she can see is him. Or, on the other hand, it can be seen as them in a place where bombs are falling and everyone is dying around them and yet all they can see is the person they love, clearly, and knowing their love wouldn't die. What I love is that poetry can mean something different for each person.

the sky is erupting like fireworks,

it's the end of the world,

Right into it!

1. the sky is erupting like fireworks,

the bombs go off on the sides,

the smoke rises,

and an old woman cries.

So, I was reading your poem to myself, with the rhythm and all, and then the third line, I was all, "WWHHHHAAAT?" because it shattered the cool rhythm you had going on . I really like this first stanza, though, so I recommend just adding an adjective before smoke to keep the beat. Something like:
the acrid smoke rises
or
the snarling smoke rises (ooh, I like that one!)

Anyway, as I said before, I very much enjoyed the first stanza, so good job on the rhymes and descriptions. Immediately, I felt like I was there, which is always a great effect to ensue in a poem.

2. the ash is falling,

So, once again, you break the rhythm. I suggest (again) to add a two-syllable adjective before ash to keep the beat.

3. but all i see is you,

all i see is you.

Okay, so I'm not sure this is the best ending. I like the first two lines, but the italized you at the end and the repeating of the line just didn't do it for me. I highly suggest changing the ending. I don't how you want it to play out; it's your poem. To me, it seemed likes you want that to be the last line, so what I would do if I were in your place is something like so:

it's the end of the world,
it's crumbling around us all,
the fire nears my heart,
but all I see is you.

Of course, don't use that EXACT ending, because it's obviously your poem. That was just an example of the way I suggest you make it; basically, more descriptions about the world ending, and wrapping it up, and then finishing with "but all I see is you."

4. Last thing: Do you really need the 'but' before all I see is you? I think it would be much more powerful without it, but it's your choice.

All in all, I really enjoyed this piece. Your rhyming isn't much forced, and the rhythm is decent enough. The topic, although cliche, has nice descriptions and excellent imagery, and the poem, overall, is catchy and interesting. My favorite stanza has to be the second. It was sweet, mysterious, and peaceful at the same times, as well as formidable and fantastic to imagine.

There was also a lot of emotion in this poem, as well as great descriptions of dramatic scenes, which I thought was a combination that really worked for this artwork. Awesome job!
Overall rating: 8.5/10
Keep writing, you've definitely got talent up your sleeve!
+1

Hello Lylas! Sylar here for a quick review

I'm going to review stanza by stanza, but I wanted to say I like your use of the ~ sign. It gives the poem a polished and natural quality.

the sky is erupting like fireworks,

the bombs go off on the sides,

the smoke rises,

and an old woman cries.

the ash is falling,

everything looks like snow,

you're holding my hand,

screaming "i won't let go."

it's the end of the world,

but all i see is you,

all i see is you.

This poem is really good.It is sweet and cute in its own way and I love it.It made me smile so, thanks for writing this poem and making me smile.I love the imagery of the poem.It is just too good.I could imagine the whole thing in my head.I really love the first line that describes the sky erupting as fireworks.The part about the crying old woman touched my heart.This poem was worth reading.Keep it up and keep on writing.

LOVE IT!!!

Hello Lilas!

I can't believe that you just threw this together, are you sure that you didn't think about the whole thing for a while? *Looks at with suspicion.*XD. I really like it, it's the kind of thing that makes you feel good in a way, but it also makes me think, about the future, about how this applies to the now. How much it's really like the world being passed on to us. The part about the old woman crying, that really got to me. I imagine a grandmother crying over her grandchild, or her daughter. But the fact that love lives on, that gives it a seed of hope, hope for that world, and for our own. Hoping there will always be love in the world.

~Kelpies.

Hello there! Alright, I have to say this is really good! I could picture the scene of the world falling apart, of two people holding on to each other with only their love, of how they can only see themselves. Beautiful! The emotions are really displayed well, and good job on the imagery! Mistakes wise, none of the beginning letters are capitalized, and neither are your "i"s, but that is an easy fix; it didn't take away from your poem at all. If I may, you might want to put quotation marks around "i won't let go." as I'm pretty sure that's dialogue. Besides that, awesome job! Thanks so much for writing this, and have a great day!
Love,
Perks