Selfish.
Selfish as I touch you.
Feel you.
Breathe you.
-
Guilty.
Guilty as I kiss you.
Hold you.
Melt against you.
-
Ashamed.
Ashamed as I text you.
Talk to you.
Love you.
-
But please don't go love,
Stay.
Because you're also Selfish, Guilty, and Ashamed.
-
Except you don't give a damn.
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140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I love the emotion in this poem. It is short, sweet and to the point. There is no need for constructive criticism because I can't find any issues. Great job.
Keep up the amazing writing.
Hey there, Weymouth here for a review of this lovely poem.
Keep it up!!!
The pure short simplicity of the individual lines and the stanzas really packs a punch throughout the entirety of the piece. I love how you've described all of the feelings you have, then say how you love someone for having the same flaws, which i think is very good, love is always in spite of a person's flaws, which is why it's so beautiful.
One thing I do think could be improved is that you could maybe explain to the reader as to why you are "Selfish or "Guilty" or "Ashamed".
Selfish.
Selfish as I touch you.
Feel you.
Breathe you.
(add maybe another one or two lines here as to what happened and how you are selfish)
-
Guilty.
Guilty as I kiss you.
Hold you.
Melt against you.
(add maybe another one or two lines here as to what happened and how you are guilty)
-
Ashamed.
Ashamed as I text you.
Talk to you.
Love you.
(add maybe another one or two lines here as to what happened and how you are ashamed)
All in all, really, really great writing
Hello.
Now this one I reallllly like.
You seem to have personified the traits: 'Selfish' etc. by capitalizing them. Very smart. This reminds me of the sort of way I like to try and write. The separation of stanzas, the unevenness of the lines, the enjambment. Also the theme of it all. Love and betrayal.
Good topic choices indeed because they are very relatable.
The best bit in my opinion:
Because it represents the conflict of emotion the character is experiencing - and it's real. I have felt that too and I believe we all feel something like that.
You've tapped into some emotional genius here: Kudos.
Hey, there! Asteria here with a review.
The only thing I truly have to say is that I love this piece. It's simplistic without being too simplistic. Deep without overwhelming the reader with unnecessary parallels and comparisons. You paint a picture without needing a lot of fluff.
And that last line, "Except you don't give a damn", I thought was perfectly placed.
In short, this piece is brilliant and I wouldn't change a thing.
Well done.